Tag Archives: Toxic

Chapter-a-Day

My Forever High Priest

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Therefore [Jesus] is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
Hebrews 7:25 (NIV)

I ran into an acquaintance the other day who I hadn’t seen in months. Immediately upon seeing them I felt shame pouring out of my soul and filling every nook and cranny of my mind and body.

The last time I’d run into this person, I greeted them and called them by the wrong name. They said nothing and didn’t react negatively in any way, but by the time I realized my mistake it was too late. It was out there and there was nothing I could do about it. The flood of shame poured through me like a tidal wave whispering its toxic messages…

“Tom, you’re such an idiot.”
“You’ve just embarrassed yourself.”
“They’re going to forever remember this mistake.”
“You’re terrible with names, you dolt. Seriously, major flaw.”

As soon as I saw this person the other day, my shame brought me right back to that moment from months ago and flooded me with the same reminders of my hopelessly flawed worthlessness.

Welcome to the inner world of a shame-based person.

Today’s chapter is thick with theology and history. At the heart of it the author of Hebrews is addressing a Jewish religious issue. The Messiah was supposed to be both King and Priest. But the royal line came from King David who was from the tribe of Judah. The priestly line in the Law of Moses came from Aaron who was from the tribe of Levi. So, how can the Messiah be both?

The author explains that the priesthood of Aaron was a human priesthood tied to the Law of Moses. The Law of Moses was a set of rules and regulations. Rules and regulations don’t perfect a person. Laws may dictate social behavior, but it doesn’t spiritually transform a person within. The Law may dictate that I not steal, and you certainly won’t catch me shoplifting. That same Law does nothing to address the greed that motivates me to cheat on my tax return or be miserly in tipping those who serve me at the restaurant.

And, as a shame-based person, I can tell you that shame will doggedly remind me what a worthless wretch I am. I shared with you how bad it was when I simply forgot an acquaintance’s name. Imagine what shame does with my life-long list of tragic mistakes from stealing the Christmas cash off the Christmas tree when I was a child to cheating on my first wife to the failure of my first marriage. And those are just the high points. Trust me, there’s a lot more.

The author of Hebrews explains that Jesus is the High-Priest from an older, mysterious, eternal priesthood that predates Moses and Aaron. The royal priesthood of Melchizedek (which means “King of Righteousness”) who was King of Salem (from “shalom” meaning “Peace.”).

The priesthood of Aaron made repeated temporal sacrifices.
Jesus made the ultimate eternal sacrifice once for all.

The priesthood of Aaron was tied to human genealogy.
Jesus was part of a priesthood tied to eternity.

The priesthood of Aaron was “weak and useless” at dealing with sin.
Jesus’ sacrifice graciously paid for sin.

The priests of Aaron all died, their priesthood ended.
Jesus lives eternally to intercede perpetually on my behalf.

For someone constantly plagued by the shame of never being enough, the truth of this means everything.

I have a forever-advocate.

Not a priest I wore out with my mistakes.
Not a spiritual leader who retires, moves away, burns out, and dies.
Not a friend who tries to carry my burdens and eventually buckles.

But Christ —
holy and tender,
pure and powerful,
alive and attentive —
always interceding for me.

Every breath:
“Father, this one is mine.”

Every stumble:
“I’ve already covered that.”

Every anxious heartbeat:
“I am here. Still. Always.”

In a world of revolving doors, shifting loyalties, and fragile leaders, Hebrews 7 invites me to rest the weight of my shame on the only One who never steps away from His post.

I am held.
I am represented.
I am beloved, eternally.

And this morning, I walk into my day knowing Christ is already interceding on my behalf.

A better covenant.
A better hope.
A forever priest who doesn’t quit.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

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Chapter-a-Day

The Good Form of Sorrow and Shame

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Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (NIV)

Wendy and I have been shocked in recent weeks as we continue to read about the continued rise of antisemitism and the hatred and vitriol spewing out of the mouths and social media posts of others. It breaks my heart and leaves me scratching my head.

A few years ago my friend and I were planning. production of a play called Freud’s Last Session (It was made into a motion picture starring Anthony Hopkins, and I highly recommend it). It’s a historic “what if” play that imagines Sigmund Freud inviting a young Oxford don named C.S. Lewis to his office in London for a conversation just before his death. For reasons that similarly broke my heart and left me scratching my head, the production was black-balled. Nevertheless, we’d had the script memorized and had been working it for some time.

Amidst the debate, the subject of shame arises. Lewis argues that shame can be a good thing and he wishes the world experienced more of it. I remember chewing on this line long and hard. As an Enneagram Type Four, the toxic version of shame has always been a core struggle of mine. The toxic version of shame is a deep sense of being flawed and worthless that leads to all sorts of unhealthy places. But Lewis wasn’t talking about that type of shame.

Today’s chapter is unique in that it addresses events between Paul and the believers in Corinth that are lost to history. He speaks of a letter he wrote to them in which he frankly addressed a matter between individuals within the gathering of believers. Paul states that it was a matter of justice. We’ll never know for sure what it was. What we do know from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians is that there were all sorts of troubles within the local gathering. Paul was also frank with them in that letter.

Paul reports that Titus, with whom Paul appears to have sent the letter, had returned. He reported to Paul that his letter produced a sense of “godly sorrow” within the believers. He then contrasts that “godly sorrow,” much like what the character of C.S. Lewis meant by “good shame” in Freud’s Last Session, leads to a positive change which leads to healthy places and salvation. “Worldly sorrow,” he states, leads to unhealthy places and death.

And this brings me back to the hatred I witness in others. It causes Lewis’ line wishing for more “good shame” to resonate in my heart and mind. I love that the believers in Corinth responded to Paul’s letter in the right way, and that it led to good things. It reminds me of Jesus’ parable of the sower whose seed falls on different types of soil and results in vastly different outcomes. I pray for Jesus’ message of love to find good soil in the world and bear fruit. History is filled with examples of the unhealthy and murderous place that hatred and prejudice lead. The world could use some sorrow that leads to positive change.

I will be traveling much of the next two weeks. I plan to return June 9th. Don’t forget there’s an entire archive of posts indexed by book if you would like a fix while I’m away! 👇🏼 Cheers!

https://tomvanderwell.com/2019/09/02/chapter-a-day-posts-by-book/

These chapter-a-day blog posts are also available via podcast on all major podcast platforms including Apple, Google, and Spotify! Simply go to your podcast platform and search for “Wayfarer Tom Vander Well.” If it’s not on your platform, please let me know!
Chapter-a-Day

Rivals, Defeat, and Shame

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Rivals, Defeat, and Shame (CaD 1 Chr 19) – Wayfarer

So Hanun [the Ammonite] seized David’s envoys, shaved them, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.
1 Chronicles 19:4 (NIV)

Yesterday, Wendy and I purchased tickets for our annual pilgrimage to the “mother ship,” U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis, to cheer on the Minnesota Vikings. We kind of enjoy being fans, having a team to root for, and riding the ups and downs that come with it. Almost every team to whom we are loyal are “good” teams who rarely break through and win “the big one.” C’est la vie.

Every one of “our” teams has an archrival. It’s the nature of sports. When Wendy and I go to the lake in the heart of Cardinals country, we get a lot of ribbing for wearing our Cubs gear. Our neighbors used to fly their Cardinals’ flag just for us. One summer we happened to be at the lake when the Cubs beat the Cardinals, so I blasted the Cubs’ victory song Go Cubs Go at full volume on our deck knowing that the water of the cove would carry the sound a long way. Rivalry is part of the fun of being a fan.

I remember years ago hearing that as the annual game against the archrival approached, a team’s coach made the players sit and watch the previous match-up which was an agonizing, humiliating defeat. The coach made the players watch it in its entirety. It motivated them to step up and they turned the tables on their rivals that year.

In ancient times, kingdoms also had rivals, but with bloody, dangerous, and life-threatening consequences. When reading through the history of the ancient Hebrews and the wars they fought to survive, the same enemy names pop up over and over and over again: Philistines, Edomites, Arameans, and Ammonites to name a few.

The author of Chronicles is scratching out his version of that history with his stylus on papyrus around 400 B.C. His generation is desperately trying to restore and rebuild the city of Jerusalem, which has been lying in rubble for decades. Their people had been scattered and taken into exile in Babylon and Assyria. At the point in time he is writing, they are history’s version of what sports would call “cellar dwellers” or “bottom feeders.” The “glory days” are far behind them.

Guess who doesn’t want to see them successfully rebuild?

It’s their rivals. In Nehemiah’s account of the rebuilding of Jerusalem, he tells of the Ammonites being among those who antagonized the Hebews and their rebuilding of the walls.

In today’s chapter, King David sends a delegation to the newly crowned prince of the Ammonites with his condolences on the death of his father, the King. It was a gesture of goodwill. Instead of accepting it, the new King shaves the heads of the Hebrew delegation (to be shaved was culturally shaming at that time) and cut their garments so the men’s butts were publicly exposed (also extremely shaming and humiliating). David responds by attacking the Ammonites and their allies, successfully defeating them.

In the quiet this morning, I considered what it must have been like for the Chronicler and his readers to read these historical accounts of the Ammonites’ antagonism and dishonor of David, and David’s victorious response. I wondered if reading about this past humiliation inspired the Chronicler and his contemporaries to be diligent in their defense of Jerusalem and their stand against their antagonistic rivals.

We mostly talk about shame in negative terms these days, and for those like me who are susceptible to shame’s toxicity, it can have devastating, negative effects on one’s heart, mind, and life. But there is also such a thing as good shame when a humiliating defeat or failure inspires me to make a positive change to ensure I never experience that humiliation, failure, or defeat again. It’s possible for a healthy memory of failure’s sting to motivate thoughts and actions that will avoid any future recurrences.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Much Needed Affirmation

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Much Needed Affirmation (CaD Ps 12) – Wayfarer

The promises of the Lord are promises that are pure,
    silver refined in a furnace on the ground,
    purified seven times.
Psalm 12:6 (NRSVCE)

As I have confessed many times, I am not by temperament an optimist. In fact, as a child I didn’t get into fights with other kids because I was so good at beating myself up. The spiritual journey, if one genuinely follows Jesus, will always lead to dealing with the shit inside, and I use that word deliberately. We all have spiritual, emotional, relational, familial, experiential, and/or personal waste gumming up our souls and stinking things up inside.

I was fifteen or twenty years into my spiritual journey following Christ before Holy Spirit led me to the toxic waste that my internal critic had been creating in my soul with repetitive negative messages I’d been feeding myself without every being really conscious of it. As I processed my way through this, talked with wise counselors, and addressed the issue, I learned how much I need regular doses of healthy, affirming messages that counteract the negative self-talk that I can so easily slip into like a comfy old sweatshirt.

The first half of 2020 has been the most tumultuous period of time that I’ve experienced in my lifetime. COVID, lockdowns, social breakdown, economic downturn, violence, hypocrisy, and rage. Each morning as Wendy and I read the news we can’t believe what we’re reading. It’s enough to trigger my old inner critic to feed me all sorts of depressing messages of doom.

The lyrics of today’s short psalm feel like they could have been penned today. David is looking at the world around him, the generation he finds himself living in, and everything seems terrible. People are leaving the faith in droves, everyone speaks lies and false narratives to make themselves feel good, people demand their own way with arrogant pride, violence and vile acts are not just tolerated but celebrated, and the poor and needy are forgotten in the tumult.

Even as I write those words I have images of recent events coming to mind.

The reason for David’s song is found in the third verse. Amidst the seemingly endless stream of lies, hypocrisy, hatred, and false narratives David reminds himself that God and His promises are “pure” and have been refined by the fires of current events time and time again throughout history. David’s song is his own version of a much needed healthy, affirming reminder. God hasn’t abandoned or forsaken him. God’s promises are true. God has always faithfully protected, provided for, and delivered David from his enemies.

In the quiet this morning, I’m thankful for David’s little ditty. It reminds me that we are not the first generation of humanity to think everything was going to hell in a handbasket. I am not the only one who needs regular doses of healthy affirmation. God’s got this. I can believe it, and I can mentally run to that affirmation as many times as I need to today as I press on in the journey one more day.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

The “Why Me?” Blues

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The "Why Me?" Blues (CaD Ps 7) – Wayfarer

O Lord my God, if I have done this,
    if there is wrong in my hands…
Psalm 7:3 (NRSVCE)

David is on the run from his King, Saul. David is God’s anointed to ascend the throne, but Saul is still wearing the crown and he is hell-bent on killing David and keeping the throne to himself. To accomplish the task, Saul puts a price on David’s head. Bounty hunters are on the loose and they have David in their sites. The reward is not just the bounty, but the favor of the king and all that comes with it.

King Saul is from the Hebrew tribe of Benjamin, and in his tribe, there is a man named Cush who is after Saul’s favor and David’s demise. In those days, hunters often used a technique of digging a pit and arranging for your prey to fall into it. Cush is digging pits to trap David.

I tend to believe that David, after being anointed God’s choice for the throne by the prophet Samuel, probably thought the road to the throne would be a cakewalk. But Saul still has a tight grip on the crown and David finds himself wandering in the desert avoiding the pits that Cush has laid out for him like a modern-day minefield.

“Why me?”

That’s the refrain of David’s heart, and in that spirit he writes a song. Today’s psalm are the lyrics.

“Why me?”

I used to ask that question a lot as a child when things weren’t going my way. I confess, victim mentality comes naturally when you’re the youngest sibling (btw, David was the youngest of eight brothers). There are a lot of times in life, especially when I was young when my mind and heart assumed direct connections between my negative circumstances and divine wrath. If something bad happened in my world, then it must be God punishing me. If I couldn’t come up with any reason God would want to punish me for anything, then I would start singing the “Why me?” blues.

It’s helpful to put myself in David’s sandals as I read the lyrics of today’s psalm. David begins by reminding God of his faith in God’s protection and his acknowledgement that without it, he’s a dead man. David then pleads his innocence. David has done some soul searching and can’t come up with any reason why God would be ticked-off at him, so he sings “If I deserve it, then let Cush take me.”

Having established his innocence, David shifts from plea to prosecution, asking God to rain down justice on the wicked. He envisions Cush digging a bit to trap David only to fall into it himself with Shakespearean irony.

Having expressed his trust, lament, plea, and prosecution, David ends his song in gratitude and praise. He’s musically thought through his circumstances, poured out his heart of anxiety, fear, and uncertainly. He finds himself back in the refuge of God’s protection, trusting God to sustain him against the traps and attacks of his enemies.

Along my life journey, I matured from the childish notion that every negative thing that happens to me is some kind of divine retribution for my wrong-doing. At the same time, I’ve recognized that my mature adult brain can find itself reverting back to childish patterns of thought and behavior, especially when I’m reacting to unexpected tragedy or stress.

In the quiet this morning, I find myself realizing that I often have to do what David did in today’s psalm. I have to process my thoughts and emotions. I have to walk through them, get them out, express them on paper or in conversation with a trusted companion. Once they’re out in the open, in the light of day, I can usually see them with more context and clarity. Silly, childish, tragic, or toxic thoughts and emotions tend to thrive in the darkness of my soul. Bringing them into the light allows me to see them for what they really are. They lose their power and I am able to get my heart back in alignment, my head on straight.

The “Why me?” blues can be good for the soul.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

“Get it Out, Little Dude”

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"Get it Out, Little Dude" (CaD Ps 6) – Wayfarer

I am weary with my moaning;
    every night I flood my bed with tears;
    I drench my couch with my weeping.
Psalm 6:6 (NRSVCE)

This past week I was in the dentist’s chair. Neither Wendy nor I had braces when we were young, and we both have some dental issues as a result, so we’re finally pulling the trigger on doing Invisalign and doing it together. So if my voice sounds a little strange on my podcast for the next year, know that it’s because all of my teeth are wrapped in plastic!

Anyway, my dentist and I got into an interesting conversation that started when he asked me how long I’ve been doing this chapter-a-day blog. I don’t think he expected to hear that it has been fourteen years! We then proceeded to talk about some short posts that he has been writing and posting on social media, which I’ve been reading and enjoying very much. He then shared with me that he found himself with these things he was feeling and thinking that he “had to get out.” I couldn’t help think of the prophet Jeremiah when used the metaphor of the message God was giving him being a “fire shut up in my bones” that just has to get out.

Today’s chapter, another song lyric by King David, is one of the examples I have used when I tell people that the psalms read like the blues. I’m sure that the ancient music didn’t sound anything like the blues, but I’m quite certain that Robert Johnson or Jonny Lang would identify with David’s spirit and could do something amazing with the same lyrics.

In both the cases of my dentist, and King David, the same theme has contrasting lessons to teach. Sometimes, there is stuff inside that I’ve just got to get out. With the former, there is something positive inside that needs to come out because others need to hear it, learn from it, be inspired, encouraged, or comforted by it. In the latter case, there is negative energy shut-up within that needs to be exorcised and expressed so that it can’t do spiritual, emotional, mental, and relational damage that always occurs when I suppress and hold in my shame, loneliness, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, frustration, grief, hurt, [insert your own negative emotion here].

Wendy and I are opposites when it comes to handling negative emotions. As an Enneagram Eight, Wendy tends to explode with volcanic eruptions of emotion that often run hot like lava. But she exorcises those emotions quickly and then quickly settles and becomes solid rock again. As an Enneagram Four, I tend to broodingly hold the negative emotions as they boil and churn deep in my heart until daily life begins to tremor and toxic fumes start seeping out in my words and actions. It sometimes takes Wendy, or one of my close companions, to consciously drill down with me in order to release the crap that needs to be released.

Along my life journey, I’ve both experienced in myself and observed in others the tragic consequences of suppressing and holding in the toxic shit that builds up as we walk through life and relationship. I love David’s lyrical laments because they remind me of two things. First, I need to get out the crap I’m feeling even though it might be negative, raw, and even toxic. Better to get it out than to let it wreak havoc in my life. Second, God is not surprised by nor worried about my emotional crap any more than I am worried when my two-year-old grandson goes into full-tilt tantrum mode for the silliest of reasons. I totally believe that God looks at me in full tantrum mode and says the same thing to me that I’d say to Milo: “Get it out, little dude. Then take a nap. You’ll feel better.”

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Scarcity Thinking Before the God of Infinite Resources

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If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
Luke 11:13 (NIV)

One of the things I’ve learned in this chapter-a-day journey is that God’s Message never ceases to meet me right where I am.

One of the things that I’ve learned about myself along my spiritual journey is that I have a spiritual Achilles heel called scarcity. It’s a particular form of unbelief rooted in my own toxic shame. The following passage describes me well:

Remembering that God is my source, we are in the spiritual position of having an unlimited bank account. Most of us never consider how powerful the Creator really is. Instead, we draw very limited amounts of the power available to us. We decide how powerful God is for us. We unconsciously set a limit on how much God can give us or help us. We are stingy with ourselves. And if we receive a gift beyond our imagining, we often send it back.

One reason we are miserly with ourselves is scarcity thinking. We don’t want our luck to run out. We don’t want to overspend our spiritual abundance. Again, we are limiting our flow by anthropmorphizing God into a capricious parent figure. Remembering that God is our source, an energy flow that likes to extend itself, we become more able to tap our creative power more effectively.

from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

In today’s chapter, Jesus teaches His followers about prayer. He first gives them the words commonly known as “The Lord’s Prayer.” Then Jesus speaks to His followers about the attitude of prayer. He gets right to the heart of the scarcity thinking that Cameron describes.

Ask, seek and knock on God’s door with audacity, Jesus tells me. God is not a miserly Father to His children. God has an infinite and unlimited supply. The only limitation is my own lack of faith, my lack of trust that my Heavenly Father wants to bless me, and the cyclical loops of scarcity thinking that I allow my brain to keep playing on an infinite “repeat” mode in my head. That stinking pattern of poisonous thinking rears it’s ugly head over and over again in my head and heart.

Lord, have mercy on me.

In the quiet this morning I find myself, once again, reading exactly what I need to hear at this waypoint in my journey. Heavenly Father reminding me how limitless His love and resources are, and how limited I perceive them to be through the lenses of my shame.

Some days are a revelation just how far I still have to grow in my journey.

Chapter-a-Day

When “Love” is Hard

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And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight….
Philippians 1:9 (NIV)

Along my journey I have managed individuals who were in the wrong position. They weren’t suited for the tasks they were given, they didn’t enjoy the work, and the fruit of their labor was often rotten.  The fact that we had good person in a bad position was obvious to me as a front-line manager. I have two very vivid memories in which I argued with my boss that an individual needed to be terminated. This was not so much to alleviate the problems felt inside the system (though it would certainly do that) but because the individual needed to be freed to find something for which he or she was better suited. In both cases I was told that the best thing to do was to “show grace and love” by continuing to work with the individual, keep encouraging the individual, to keep overlooking their failures, and to perpetually give them another chance. In neither instance did the this course of “grace and love” succeed.

Love is a simple word, and very often love is a simple concept: a random act of kindness, going out of your way to assist a person in need, an encouraging word, or a thoughtful gift.

As I read the opening chapter of Paul’s letter to the followers of Jesus in the town of Philippi, I was struck that he prayed, not just that the Philippian believers’ love would abound, but that that it would abound in knowledge and depth of insight.

I have found along my life journey that love is often not such a simple concept. In fact, sometimes love is hard:

  • Coming clean, owning my own shit, and getting help.
  • Forgiving, knowing you’ll never forget the injury and/or the perpetrator will never admit, own, or repent of what he or she did.
  • Refusing to rescue a child; Allowing him or her fail as you watch and pray.
  • Choosing to make a child responsible for earning his or her way rather than freely providing all things.
  • Severing relationship with a crazy-maker.
  • Walking away from a toxic relationship.
  • Telling an addict, “No.”
  • Terminating an employee who isn’t a good fit for the job.

Just as Paul wrote that Satan masquerades as an angel of light, I’ve learned that sometimes what looks like love on the surface of a situation is actually not love at all. Quite the opposite. Often, the loving act is misunderstood in the moment. It requires knowledge to realize that it’s actually the best thing for the other. The truly loving act can initially illicit anger, bitterness, and lashing out. Depth of insight is required to see how things will play out in the long run.

This morning I’m thinking about the two individuals I referenced at the beginning of this post. I’ve learned that they moved on, found a better vocational fit, and appear to be successful in their chosen fields. I’m happy for them. They taught me an invaluable lesson. Showing “grace and love” sometimes means making the difficult, uncomfortable, even unpopular decision with the knowledge and insight that it’s actually the most loving thing to do.