Tag Archives: Enneagram Four

Chapter-a-Day

The Good Form of Sorrow and Shame

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Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (NIV)

Wendy and I have been shocked in recent weeks as we continue to read about the continued rise of antisemitism and the hatred and vitriol spewing out of the mouths and social media posts of others. It breaks my heart and leaves me scratching my head.

A few years ago my friend and I were planning. production of a play called Freud’s Last Session (It was made into a motion picture starring Anthony Hopkins, and I highly recommend it). It’s a historic “what if” play that imagines Sigmund Freud inviting a young Oxford don named C.S. Lewis to his office in London for a conversation just before his death. For reasons that similarly broke my heart and left me scratching my head, the production was black-balled. Nevertheless, we’d had the script memorized and had been working it for some time.

Amidst the debate, the subject of shame arises. Lewis argues that shame can be a good thing and he wishes the world experienced more of it. I remember chewing on this line long and hard. As an Enneagram Type Four, the toxic version of shame has always been a core struggle of mine. The toxic version of shame is a deep sense of being flawed and worthless that leads to all sorts of unhealthy places. But Lewis wasn’t talking about that type of shame.

Today’s chapter is unique in that it addresses events between Paul and the believers in Corinth that are lost to history. He speaks of a letter he wrote to them in which he frankly addressed a matter between individuals within the gathering of believers. Paul states that it was a matter of justice. We’ll never know for sure what it was. What we do know from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians is that there were all sorts of troubles within the local gathering. Paul was also frank with them in that letter.

Paul reports that Titus, with whom Paul appears to have sent the letter, had returned. He reported to Paul that his letter produced a sense of “godly sorrow” within the believers. He then contrasts that “godly sorrow,” much like what the character of C.S. Lewis meant by “good shame” in Freud’s Last Session, leads to a positive change which leads to healthy places and salvation. “Worldly sorrow,” he states, leads to unhealthy places and death.

And this brings me back to the hatred I witness in others. It causes Lewis’ line wishing for more “good shame” to resonate in my heart and mind. I love that the believers in Corinth responded to Paul’s letter in the right way, and that it led to good things. It reminds me of Jesus’ parable of the sower whose seed falls on different types of soil and results in vastly different outcomes. I pray for Jesus’ message of love to find good soil in the world and bear fruit. History is filled with examples of the unhealthy and murderous place that hatred and prejudice lead. The world could use some sorrow that leads to positive change.

I will be traveling much of the next two weeks. I plan to return June 9th. Don’t forget there’s an entire archive of posts indexed by book if you would like a fix while I’m away! 👇🏼 Cheers!

https://tomvanderwell.com/2019/09/02/chapter-a-day-posts-by-book/

These chapter-a-day blog posts are also available via podcast on all major podcast platforms including Apple, Google, and Spotify! Simply go to your podcast platform and search for “Wayfarer Tom Vander Well.” If it’s not on your platform, please let me know!
Chapter-a-Day

Brooding

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Brooding (CaD Job 7) – Wayfarer

“Therefore I will not keep silent;
    I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
    I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.”
Job 7:11 (NIV)

This Sunday I’m wrapping up a series of messages among our local gathering of Jesus’ followers in which we’ve been thinking about how we think. Amidst the series there has been an acknowledgement that not all people think and process thoughts the same way. Some people are internal processors while others are external processors. There are people whose thoughts tend to be more future oriented and they are typically thinking ahead. Others tend to be past oriented dwelling on what has already happened and learning from it.

Along my life journey, I have learned that I can brood with the best of brooders. It’s comes with being an Enneagram Four. I’m an internal processor and when I’ve got something stuck in my craw I have a hard time letting it go. My mind spins around whatever it is I’m brooding about, sometimes to the point that I can hardly think about anything else. As you might imagine, this is not a particularly healthy thought pattern.

I have learned along the way that if I want to get out of my brood cycle, I have to whatever I’m internally brooding about out. This can take multiple forms. Writing about it in my Morning Pages journal is one of the most effective. Talking it out with Wendy or someone in my inner-circle can also help. I’ve occasionally gone through a personal ritual of writing out whatever it is I’m brooding about, then crumpling up the paper on which I’ve written it and throwing it away as a sort of metaphorical way of letting it go.

In today’s chapter, Job is brooding. If anyone has reason to brood, it’s Job. His every waking moment is agony as he describes worms infesting his broken and festering skin lesions. Yet even sleep is no escape as he suffers from nightmares and terrifying hallucinations. In his suffering he cries out from his anguished soul and wails his bitter complaint to God and his friends.

Good.

I was cheering Job on as he sings the blues. From one brooder to another, I know it’s ultimately a healthy thing to get what’s stuck inside you out. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from studying the Great Story for over 40 years is that God is not bothered by honest cries of the soul. Moses was never shy about voicing his complaints and reservations to God. So many of David’s psalm lyrics are ancient Hebrew versions of singing the blues. Jeremiah was known as “the weeping prophet” in part because he didn’t hold back his complaints to the Almighty. Even Jesus’ prayer in the Garden on the night of his arrest was a cry of anguish. Sometimes, I need to cry out to the heavens and give voice to my brooding laments.

In the quiet this morning, the 80’s rock anthem Shout by Tears for Fears came into my head. If I remember the rumor correctly, the song was inspired by a therapeutic fad back in the day in which people would let loose with primal screams. To be honest, I’ve given wind to a few primal screams along life’s road. I seem to recall feeling better afterwards.

Go ahead and wail, brother Job. I got your back.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

The “Straight Man”

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The "Straight Man" (CaD Gen 26) – Wayfarer

Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham.
Genesis 26:3 (NIV)

When I was a kid growing up in Des Moines, one of the local television stations showed a movie every weekday afternoon. There would be a fifteen-minute news segment at noon, followed by the Floppy Show which would show two Looney Tunes cartoons, followed by a movie. I rarely watched the movies because they didn’t appeal to me, but every once in a while they would show a Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin movie and it was like hitting the jackpot.

For those who are unaware, Jerry Lews and Dean Martin were a blockbuster comedy duo back in the fifties during the early days of Las Vegas and the Rat Pack. Jerry Lewis was the geeky, manic, physical comedian and Dean Martin was the gorgeous hunk who could croon and make the ladies swoon. Between 1949 and 1956 they made sixteen successful movies together. Together with their Vegas act, they were the biggest thing in show business for about ten years. Then the dynamic duo suddenly split forever.

One of the reasons for the split was that Dean Martin got tired of playing the “straight man” to Jerry’s kinetic comedic talent and energy. Every great story has characters who could be labeled the “straight person.” They hold the story together, they are the conduit through which the story flows, but they aren’t the star and don’t get the good bits. Show business is full of actors who have successfully appeared in countless films and television shows. You know the faces but you don’t know the names.

This came to mind this morning as I mulled over the person of Isaac. I noticed in yesterday’s chapter that while Abraham’s story took 13 chapters, and Isaac didn’t show up until the ninth chapter. Isaac only has a couple of chapters as the patriarch before he’s old and weak in the eyes. From the perspective of story-telling, Issac is a “straight man.” He almost gets sacrificed by his dad. He gets married. He fathers twins. He wanders around Canaan digging wells. Suddenly he’s old and the story has completely shifted to his sons.

This resonates with me because as an Enneagram Four, my core motivation is to feel a special sense of purpose and significance. That lends itself to desiring the starring roles, and I confess to enjoying those opportunities. It also lends itself to a core pain in which any purpose or significance is “never enough.” Along my life journey, however, I’ve struggled to embrace the truth about human systems. Every one has a role to play to make the system healthy and successful. There are nine Enneagram Types and we need everything that every Type brings to the table of life. Followers of Jesus are considered “the body of Christ” and Paul makes it clear that every member of the body is necessary whether you’re a vital organ or a nail on the little toe.

Isaac’s part in the Great Story is minor compared to his father and his son. He’s a straight man. He’s the conduit through which the story flows from Abraham to Jacob. But to this day, God is regularly named “the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” Isaac nailed his part in the greatest story ever told.

So, in the quiet this morning, I find myself with what is a much-needed reminder given the core motivations of my heart. “There are no small parts,” they say, “only small actors.” It’s true. Some of my favorite roles have been the smallest of roles. Nevertheless, I confess that it’s good for me to be reminded of this on a regular basis.

By the way, the end of today’s chapter states that Esau married two Hittite women who “were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.” Ironically, another reason for the split between Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis is that their wives didn’t get along.

There’s nothing new under the sun.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Ezer Kenegdo

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Ezer Kenegdo (CaD Gen 2) – Wayfarer

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18 (NIV)

For whatever reason, God saw fit to surround me with women most of my entire life journey. My eldest brothers are twins, my sister came five years later, and I brought up rear. Most of my childhood the sibling dynamic in my family system was two pairs: the twins and Jody and me. When I was very young, I can remember times when dad and the twins would be off doing something and I was home with mom and Jody. It made an impression on me.

Further down life’s road, I find myself the father of two girls, and then was blessed to have Wendy’s sister live with us for a few years. I always seem to find myself in situations in which I’m surrounded by women. About four years ago I wrote a post with my first words to my grandson, discussing this very phenomenon.

I’m not complaining, mind you. I rather enjoy it most of the time. In fact, the experience has significantly changed my view and understanding of women along my life journey. For most of my early journey I loosely held a fairly fundamentalist view of the roles of men and women, husbands and wives. And, I confess that many of my views early on were downright misogynistic. My life experiences, my spiritual journey as a Jesus follower, and the amazing women in my life, have led to embracing what I consider to be a deeper understanding of women and all the incredible things they are in creation.

In today’s chapter, God looks at Adam and makes a “helper suitable for him.” The Hebrew words are ezer kenegdo. Ezer simply means “help” or “assistance.” Kenegdo is made up of three words. The study text I read this morning stated that it suggests: “someone God fashions for the man who would correspond to him.” This does not imply inferiority, weakness, or submission, but rather one who “uniquely his counterpart and uniquely suited for him.”

And that brings me to Wendy, the woman who is the definition of my ezer kengdo. We couldn’t be more different in so many ways, and the Enneagram Institute describes relationships between Fours (me) and Eights (Wendy) “the most inherently volatile” of combinations, though it adds the combination can be “one of the most creative relationship couplings.”

Wendy and I do everything together. We work together out of our home, we serve together, and we play together. There are certainly things each of us do and enjoy alone, but for the most part we are around each other 24/7/365 in our daily lives. And that’s a good thing for me. It’s a great thing for me.

I had a member of my company’s Board of Directors once ask me if I could imagine doing my job without Wendy. My response was immediate: “Absolutely not.” In fact, I can’t imagine doing it without her. I can’t imagine doing anything without her. She’s “uniquely suited” to make me better at everything I do in life, in community, and business as I like to believe I am uniquely suited to make her better in the same.

Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. We’re not perfect. We clash. We have flashes of volatility as the folks at the Enneagram Institute describe. Sometimes sparks fly. Yet that, I believe, is inherently a by-product of ezer kenegdo. Not alike, but uniquely suited.

So, in the quiet this morning, I think there are a whole host of things that I could have blogged about from today’s chapter. It is chock full of truth on multiple layers. Yet, on this chapter-a-day journey, I often find that the thing that is most meaningful to me is the thing that rises to the top of mind and soul. To me, this day, that is ezer kenegdo; that is Wendy, and all of the women with whom God has surrounded me my entire life journey to teach me about manhood, and to make me a better man.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Brooding

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Brooding (CaD Ps 116) – Wayfarer

Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.
Psalm 116:7 (NIV)

I have always been a world-class brooder. It comes in tandem with the pessimism that marks those of us who are romantic individualists known as Enneagram Fours. If there is a major relational conflict or some kind of crisis in life, I will tend to brood on it.

Brood is actually an interesting word because the most common definition in the English language means “to sit on” and “incubate” as a mother hen sits on her eggs. What an apt word picture for what I can do with a conflict or crisis. I mentally and emotionally sit on it, keep it warm, keep incubating as I stir it in my soul over and over and over again. I may look like I’m perfectly normal on the outside, but inside I’m a boiling cauldron of angst, fear, negativity, and insecurity.

Along my life journey, I’ve gotten a lot better at recognizing when I’m going into brood mode and when I find myself there. As a young man, I know I spent long periods of time in brood mode never knew I was doing it. To the world around me, I appeared to be functioning normally, but I was actually mentally and emotionally disconnected for long periods of time. This is when having an Enneagram Eight as a spouse is really helpful. Wendy is quick to see me go into my brooding mode, and she’s quick to address it.

Having said that, I’ve also learned that I am an internal processor who has also, along my life journey, developed decent communication skills. This means that I can typically talk through what I am thinking and feeling with others, but not before I’ve taken some time to process it alone. I believe Wendy has done a great job of recognizing that there is a difference between me processing something internally and giving me time to do so, and me silently disconnecting and descending into my brooding pit where I might not surface for a while.

Brooding is like mental, emotional, and spiritual spelunking (those crazy people who descend into and explore caves). A wise spelunker always has a safety line that is attached to a strong ground anchor above. Along the way, I’ve also learned that I need spiritual, mental, and emotional “anchors” with which to pull myself out of my brooding pit.

That’s what came to mind this morning as I read today’s chapter and came upon the verse I quoted at the top of the post:

Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

When I descend too far into brood-mode I have allowed myself to go into a mental space that is not healthy. I have learned that one of the best anchored life-lines I have is my spiritual journey and my life journey. I can look back on that journey and recall several stretches of stress and crisis which were brooding bonanzas. In each one I can recount how faithful God was to me, how things worked out despite the difficulties, and how God used those moments to bring about growth, new levels of maturity, increased faith, and spiritual fruit. By recounting these both the crises and the progress it afforded in my spiritual journey, it helps me put my current crisis in perspective, to trust God’s faithfulness, and to left faith help lift me out of brood-mode.

In the quiet this morning, I find myself grateful for the waypoint I find myself in this life journey. I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned about myself, my loved ones, and how differently we engage in the world around us and in relationships with one another.

Socrates famously said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” This morning, Socrates has himself a witness. Were it not for my spiritual journey as a follower of Jesus, I’d have gotten stuck in a brooding pit years ago and might never have made it out.

(Did I mention Enneagram Fours have a flair for the dramatic? 😉