Tag Archives: Respect

First Words to My Grandson

My dear grandson,

These are my first official words to you. The first of what I hope will be long and enjoyable correspondence between the two of us as you journey through this life.

This past Sunday our house was filled with women who had gathered to celebrate your mother and your impending arrival in three weeks time. I spent the day before helping Grandma Wendy cooking, cleaning, decorating, and running errands to make sure that the stage was set for the occasion. As the women began to arrive I sequestered myself in the basement to be at Grandma’s beck-and-call should she need help with anything.

I was originally going to entitle this blog post Estrogen Overload as I experienced the humor of being the only male in the house with 20 females. I even used that term as I joked with some of the ladies late in the afternoon. It’s something I’m familiar with having raised two daughters and no sons. I’m quite used to being alone in the company of women.

Suddenly, it struck me that I wasn’t the only male in the room for once. There you were comfortably nestled inside your mother’s womb. Nevertheless, you were very much present. You were the very reason for the celebration. You and me with all the ladies. I smiled to myself at the very thought of it.

So, here are my first words to you, my grandson. Take a good look at these women surrounding you (I only wish we’d gotten more photos of all the ladies who were there and a photo of the entire group). Look at your adorable mother. Grandma Wendy and Grandma Brenda were there. There were three great-grandmothers and a great-great-grandmother present to celebrate you. There’s your cousin Emma, your great-aunt Jody, and your great-aunts Suzanna and Brooke who, amazingly, are younger than your Aunt Madison (I’m going to have so much fun helping you sort out all of this loving, mixed-up mess of a wonderful family). Then there are all the wonderful friends that were there along with family. These are amazing women. They have stories to tell and lessons to teach.

Much of human history has not been kind to our female counterparts. They have been treated like objects, servants, property, and second-class citizens because males have dictated it, encouraged it, and allowed it to be so. It is one of many sad realities of life that you’ll see and experience as you make your own way on your own path. But you will have the opportunity to make a difference simply in your thoughts, your choices, your words, and your actions.

Listen to grandpa. Hear me. Honor these women and all they represent. As a male you will find that much about females will seem mysterious to the point of frustration. There will be moments you’ll  be tempted to be dismissive, patronizing, and demeaning. Along your life journey you will be tempted to place women into two separate buckets in your mind: women to love and honor and women to diminish and objectify. You can’t have it both ways. When you embrace the latter you negate the former. I pray you will have the wisdom to resist these temptations. Someday, I’ve got a few things to share with you about the tragic foolishness of not doing so.

Respect women, all women, in the fullness of their being: body, mind and spirit. Respect the girls you grow up with, the woman you meet in a bar, the woman you work with, the woman you date, and the woman who is a stranger.  Respect them just as you respect the women in these photos. Respect women for all the ways they are different from us guys. Respect their strength. Respect their knowledge. Respect their spirit, ability, courage, and their passion. Learn their stories.  Embrace their wisdom. Love them well.

These women will make you a better man. This, I know from experience.

Thanks for being with me on Sunday. I’m sure it’s the first of many afternoons that you and I will share surrounded and outnumbered in the company of amazing women. I’ll teach you how to groan about it in manly fashion (and then secretly enjoy the heck out of it). I’m overjoyed to have your company.

Love you, little man.

Grandpa Tom

A Matter of Respect

Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.
1 Peter 2:17 (NIV)

A few weeks ago I ran into a person whom I’d not seen in quite a while. I confess that I don’t particularly get along with this person, and this person has made it very clear that they  don’t like me. I’m glad you are not privy to the spiteful thoughts and vengeful desires that welled up inside me when I  ran into them. The actions  of this person that I’ve witnessed over the years have been deceptive and have stirred up trouble in ways that have been destructive to community and relationships that I care about. The words of this person have been false and deceitful. The foolish behavior of this person has been mischievous and self-seeking.

Nevertheless, when I ran into this person in a public place amidst a crowd of people I smiled and addressed them respectfully. We had a brief interchange and I chose to keep my affect respectfully positive and my conversation respectfully benign.

I observe that the polarization of political and cultural thought in America has led to what I deem a general erosion of respect. I remember a time when  politicians, even bitter rivals, continued to treat one another with respect. Now I witness politicians who choose to be publicly disrespectful, malicious, and insulting to their opponents in order to maintain the support of extreme factions within their respective parties. I grew up being taught that freedom of thought, education, speech, religion, and the press came with the societal expectation of respectful public debate and discourse. Now I observe university campuses reduced to destructive chaos and physical assault on those who do not march lock-step with their particular beliefs and opinions.

Perhaps that’s why Peter’s simple command jumped off the page at me this morning: “Show proper respect to everyone.”

I believe I need to treat others with respect because we are all members of the human family descended from the same mother.

I believe I need to treat others with respect because we are all imperfect people in need of forgiveness and grace.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because I am constantly growing and needing the grace of others. I have to extend grace to others who are in process as well.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because it affords the best opportunity for strained relationships to find some kind of mutual understanding, reconciliation and redemption.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because the path of disrespect is harmful both to myself, other individuals, community, and humanity.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because it’s the way of Jesus, and as a follower I’m compelled to adopt His teaching and example.

This morning I’m thinking about the simple act of being respectful to others. A few weeks ago when I respectfully addressed my deceptive and foolish acquaintance I knew that I couldn’t control their reaction to me in the moment nor their continued words or actions. I can’t control others. I can’t control our current culture. I can only control myself.

I’m going to continue to pursue the path of being respectful. Who knows. Perhaps it will go viral.

“‘Tis a Silly Place”

One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them.
Romans 14:2-3 (NIV)

There’s a great moment in the classic film comedy Monty Python and the Holy Grail. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table look at Camelot from a distance and utter the name in reverential tones. The scene cuts to a farcical musical number with knights singing lines like:

“We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.”

When the song is over, King Arthur changes his mind. “Let’s not go there,” he says to his knights, “‘Tis a silly place.”

After 40 some years attending, working, and volunteering in various local churches of diverse denominational bents, I have to admit that I often feel King Arthur’s sentiments whenever I look at a church from the outside.

Along my life journey I have experienced a number of divisive conflicts inside the walls of the church:

  • Clappers vs. Non-Clappers
  • Liturgy vs. Free Worship
  • Hand raisers vs. Stoics
  • Pre-Trib Rapturists vs. Amillenialists
  • Predestination vs. Free Will
  • Sprinklers vs. Dunkers
  • Wine  vs. Juice
  • Wafer vs. Bread
  • Sunday Sabbath vs. Saturday Sabbath
  • Hymns vs. Modern worship
  • Social drinkers vs. teetotalers

Like I said, “‘Tis a silly place.”

In today’s chapter, Paul addresses some of the silly arguments that, even in the earliest days of the Christianity, were dividing the followers of Jesus. Can you eat meat that was sacrificed to an idol before it went to market? Is it more virtuous to be a vegetarian?  Should we worship on Saturday like the Ten Commandments tell us or on Sunday because Jesus rose from the dead on that day?  These types of arguments were as prevalent in the year 57 A.D. as they are in 2016. People are people.

Paul’s message to all who follow Jesus was very simple: Love your fellow follower of Jesus enough to respect his or her feelings and beliefs. Don’t major on the minors. Don’t lord your own opinions over them and dishonor a fellow believer’s heart-felt, personal stand on things that are non-essential to our faith. Love, respect, grace and honor should always trump our desire to be proved right. Take off the Jr. Holy Spirit badge. Let God handle it.

This morning I am reminded to be gracious. To me, the institutional church “‘tis a silly place” most of the time. For other followers of Jesus I know, the local denominational church is deadly serious stuff. Even in this discrepancy, my role is to be respectful, honoring and loving with those whose thoughts and feelings differ from my own.

chapter a day banner 2015

Valuing “Others”

…do not consider yourself to be superior to those other branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you.
Romans 11:18 (NIV)

Last week on my flight home from a business trip I encountered a group of Greek Orthodox students led by their priest. Their priest, with his impressively long black beard, was wearing traditional vestments including a long black robe, skullcap, and large wooden cross painted with the likeness of the crucified Jesus. Standing out like a sore thumb, the priest was joking in Greek with his students as they waited for the plane. They all seemed to be having a good time.

I remember thinking to myself how much I would enjoy sitting down and having a conversation with the priest. A follower of Jesus, his branch of Christianity is much different than the one in which I was raised and in which I live and worship. I don’t think that should not alienate us from one another. Quite the opposite, we have much to learn from one another and our differences.

I am transported in memory this morning to a class I attended at a conservative Bible college for one semester after high school. My professor boastfully played a video tape of a debate he’d participated in on local television with a scholar from another denomination. Much like the Presidential debates we’ve been subject to of late, my prof was proud and confident while spouting his views. He took snide, insulting jabs at his mainline “opponent” and the debate escalated until it nearly ended up in blows. The professor smiled and laughed as he watched. He wanted us to see how his theology had, at least in his mind, won the day against his denominational rival. I remember feeling sick. Is this how Jesus wants us to think, feel, and act with a person who is, himself, a sincere follower of Jesus?

In today’s chapter, Paul makes it clear to the followers of Jesus in Rome that they are not to consider themselves superior to other branches of God’s family tree. And, in this word picture he’s not referring to other branches of Christianity but to the Jewish branches rooted in the same trunk. I think the spirit of Paul’s teaching was embodied (coincidentally, in the city of Rome) this past week when Pope Francis paid a visit to the the main Jewish synagogue there much in the same way as he’s visited our Orthodox branch (see featured image). If we as followers of Jesus are to not to consider ourselves superior to the Jewish branches of God’s family tree, how could my old college professor justify his antagonizing treatment of our fellow Jesus follower, no matter what his theology?

I  am thinking this morning of the diverse cross section of humanity I am privileged to know, to have known, and to consider friends. I am a a non-denominationalist at heart, but I know or have known friends who are Catholic, Orthodox, Jewish, Methodist, Muslim, Quaker, Baptist, Episcopal, Sikh, Hindu, Athiest, Agnostic, Presbyterian, and those are just a few off the top of my head. Despite our differences, my life is better and more full having known each one of them. I am reminded of Paul’s command to the followers of Jesus in Philippi:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…

“Others” is not qualified, by the way. It is universal.

Respecting the Stuff of Others

You must not move your neighbor’s boundary marker, set up by former generations, on the property that will be allotted to you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you to possess.
Deuteronomy 19:14 (NRSV)

I was on the road last week making numerous presentations for several client teams that we serve. Over the course of the week I was in and out of six different conference rooms in four different buildings across three geographical locations. There is a small principle that I have followed across the 23 years I’ve been working for many different clients: Always leave the room cleaner than you found it.

This can be difficult when I’m jetting from one room or location to make it to another on time. Nevertheless, before leaving a conference room I try to always straighten the chairs, put things away, pick up and throw away any trash left out, turn off the projector, retract the screen, and turn the lights out upon exit. It is a simple principle to respect the property of our client.

In today’s chapter, amidst all sorts of legal ramblings and rumination about intentional and unintentional homicide, there is stuck this one little command: Don’t move your neighbor’s boundary marker. In other words, respect that which belongs to your neighbor, and don’t take it for yourself.

One of my “life chapters” is Psalm 112 which states that good will come to the person who is generous and lends freely, and I try to be generous with all the stuff with which God has blessed me. When I lend something out I appreciate when it is returned in good shape and has been well cared for. I try to always do the same for the things other lend to me.

Today, I’m reminded of the simple principle of respecting other people’s stuff the way I appreciate my stuff respected.

A Lesson in Gratitude

TenLepers

One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” Luke 17:15-19 (NIV)

On the refrigerator at our lake house you’ll find some sweet “thank you” notes left by guests. Taylor and her friends used the place for a weekend last month, and when we arrived we found that all them had signed a hand-made and artistic thank you note (and included a bottle of wine with it). My favorites are always the thank you notes left by children. You know that the child’s note was prompted by a mom or dad who was teaching the kid about manners and gratitude, but they are always so endearing.

I have learned so many spiritual lessons by having our little place at the lake. Wendy and I have always had a sense that our job was to steward the place well, and to be generous with it. God has blessed us and we’re paying it forward. What I didn’t expect was the inherent lesson it has been in generosity and gratitude. It’s been fascinating to see how people treat that which is generously given. Some show their respect and gratitude simply by the visible care with which they treat that which is not theirs. Others not only treat things with respect, but also express their gratitude in creative and tangible ways that warm our hearts. Occasionally, a guest will be neither respectful or grateful. What are you gonna do? People are people.

My joy at receiving simple expressions of thanks has really prompted a lot of personal soul searching in recent years. I look back on my journey and realize that, more often than not, I have been like the nine lepers who accepted Jesus’ generous healing but never thought to go back and simply say, “Thank you.” God’s blessing has been so abundant and I have to admit that I’ve been guilty of being neither respectful nor grateful. I now have a greater sense of what Jesus felt when He asked the thankful cleansed leper, “Where are the other nine?” I get it. I don’t ever want to counted among the nine again.

Today, I’m expressing my gratitude for all the ways God has abundantly blessed me and my family.

Carte Blanche Companions

 

Joab confronts the grieving King David
Joab confronts the grieving King David

Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, “Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines. You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the commanders and their men mean nothing to you. I see that you would be pleased if Absalom were alive today and all of us were dead. Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come on you from your youth till now.” 2 Samuel 19:5-7 (NIV)

One of the most fascinating aspects of my day job is the opportunity I have to work with many different companies and to interact with people at diverse levels of the organization from the front-line to the executive suite. Long ago I realized that the culture of a company is a trickle-down affair that begins with the man or woman at the very top. I remember one client whose CEO ran the company by fear and intimidation. No one would stand up to him, even when he is clearly mistaken or making a wrong move, for fear of losing their proverbial heads in a board meeting (and, perhaps, their jobs). The result was a highly dysfunctional organization which mirrored the CEO. The entire corporate culture was one of intimidation, fear, and c.y.a. which permeated virtually every level of the operation.

One of the things I’ve observed about David as we’ve been reading his story the past few months is the fact that David had a select group of men in his life who could get in his face and call him to account even if they had to be careful about how they did it. In today’s chapter, David’s general and right-hand man Joab confronts David about the grave danger he’s putting himself in by allowing his grief for Absalom overshadow his duty as king. The kingdom was in a precarious political situation and David was close to losing it all. Joab lost no time in getting in David’s face and speaking the truth to him. To his credit, David listened to his long-time trusted general and advisor.

I have a handful of people in my life, people with whom I have intentionally surrounded myself, who have carte blanche to get in my face whenever necessary. These are people with whom I talk about and share life with on a regular basis. We talk about business, church, family, friendships, finances, and relationships. If they think I’m screwing something up, then they have permission to question me or call me out, and they would expect the same from me.

This journey through life can be a long hike. The first rule any child learns about hiking in the wilderness is “buddy up.” To go it alone is to put yourself in danger. Ironically, our greatest danger often resides within ourselves. Without faithful companions who can catch it and call us out, we may not realize it until it’s too late.

Today, I’m thankful for my faithful companions on this life journey.

 

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Perfect Timing; Respecting the Plan

Old Clock
(Photo credit: wwarby)

“May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.” – David (1 Samuel 24:12)

“I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands. Now swear to me by the Lord that you will not kill off my descendants or wipe out my name from my father’s family.” – King Saul (1 Samuel 24:20)

“Timing,” as they say, “is everything.”

When I was a young believer in high school, I had an afterschool job. My boss at this particular job became a mentor to me. He spent an early morning each week studying God’s Message, taught me disciplines critical for this faith journey, and generously provided opportunities for me that became essential to my maturity. He also had a vision of starting a consulting business based on Biblical principles, and he wanted me to be a part of it. One day while having lunch at Wendy’s he laid out his vision, asked me to consider going to business school and getting an M.B.A. with the expressed intent of joining his consulting group. As much as I desired to please him, I knew in my heart that it was not the right step to take. I went a different direction, and during college my mentor and I lost touch. I did not speak to him for many years.

For anyone who has read my blog for any length of time, you know that I chose (though I believe my steps were directed) a different path than the one my mentor wanted for me. Rather than business, I chose to become a theatre major. Fast forward past college. Rather than a consulting practice I chose to go into pastoral ministry and then into parachurch ministry in which I raised financial support to cover part of my income. In a series of events I will not take the time to share in this post, I suddenly found myself being directed away from this particular parachurch ministry with no earthly idea what my next steps would be.

As fate (a.k.a. God) would have it, one of my financial supporters was my old boss and mentor with whom I had gotten back in touch after six or so years. When I called him to let him know not to send a support check the next month as I was leaving my position he asked what my plans were. I told him I had no earthly idea what I was going to do next, but I knew I had to leave my position immediately. That afternoon he asked to meet with me and offered me the position with the consulting firm he had envisioned and discussed with me back when I was in high school. I took the position and in 2014 I will celebrate 20 years in my job. In 2005 my dear mentor and friend retired and I have been privileged and blessed to be a partner and owner of the company ever since.

I look back on this experience and it has been a life lesson to me of God’s timing. My boss had a clear vision of the path I should take and the position he wanted to hire me to fulfill. When he laid out his vision to me I knew in my heart that it was not the right path, nor the right timing. As I have written elsewhere in this blog, I now see with 20/20 hindsight how being a theatre major uniquely prepared me to be successful in the position I was hired to fill. Likewise, my experiences in six years of ministry taught me life lessons that were essential to preparing me for the role I would eventually fulfill in business.

In today’s chapter, we continue to watch as the story of David’s ascent to the throne of Israel unfolds. He was anointed as King of Israel while a young man, but he was not ready to take up the mantel of monarch. It would be 20-30 years before David would be in the position God ultimately had for him. Over those many years David would develop the experience and skills necessary for his position as King.

We also continue to see the contrast of the bookend monarchs. David refuses to take a shortcut on God’s timing. He refuses to try and make his ascent to the throne happen by killing Saul even though he appears to have justifiable reason for doing so. David wants the throne in God’s time, not his own. Saul, on the other hand, continues to pursue David despite knowing that God’s anointing has left him and gone to David. He refuses to humble himself and instead gives into fear, seeking to kill David before David wipes out his family and his legacy.

Today, I am grateful for God’s timing. I believe that there is a divine plan for me. I can look back and see it unfold. I can look forward and trust that it will continue to play out. My job is to trust God, be faithful in walking the path laid out for me today, and respect the ultimate plan.

Loving Well in the Midst of Differences

What's left of the meat market in Corinth (source: GloBible)
What’s left of the meat market in Corinth (source: GloBible)

Chapter-a-Day 1 Corinthians 8

And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. 1 Corinthians 8:12 (NLT)

Keep in mind when reading books like 1 Corinthians that they were originally handwritten letters. In the case of Corinthians, it was a letter from Paul to the followers of Jesus in the Greek city of Corinth. Paul spent 18 months there sharing the Message about Jesus and building up a small but faithful group of believers. Paul moved on to other cities and regions. As with any group of humans, conflicts and differences arose among the new Corinthian believers. Word reached Paul about some of these conflicts and he wrote this letter to his friends to address these differences.

Back in the day when Paul was writing his letter the city of Corinth was largely pagan, and a person could visit any number of pagan temples in the city. They were mostly temples to the various Greek and Roman gods we all studied in English Lit and Western Civ classes. Corinth had two large temples, one to Apollo and one to Aphrodite. As part of the pagan worship rituals, animals would be sacrificed and the meat would be cooked up for a feast with the temple priests and wealthy patrons. Leftovers were taken to the local meat market and sold to the public.

A conflict rose up among the followers of Jesus in Corinth. Should you buy or eat meat that had been part of a pagan sacrifice? Some said it was no big deal and felt free to eat it. Others felt strongly that they were defiling themselves by eating it. While this is not a burning controversy in our American culture today, it doesn’t take me long to come up with a number of similar conflicts we have today about social behaviors and appropriateness.

I’m not a very legalistic person. At least, I’m not any more. I’ve become increasingly less so with age. Having meandered through God’s Message these past 30 years or so, it’s become clear to me that the people who ticked Jesus off the most were the religious legalists.  Note to self: Don’t be one of those guys. Put me in Corinth and I would likely be found hanging out with the pagans and enjoying a nice steak without thinking a thing of it.

But, there is danger inherent in freedom for ourselves and for others. Freedom can easily creep into destructive license. Also, followers of Jesus are called not only to look out for our own needs, but also the needs of others. This includes the needs of our fellow believers, some of whom have a distinctly religious legalist bent. Exercising my freedom can confuse, discourage and trip up another believer. I have a responsibility to be respectful of others and their beliefs, even when “other” refers to fellow believers with whom I disagree about the appropriateness of certain social behaviors. I am not to be led by my “right” to exercise my freedom, but by love for others. This may require me to circumstantially choose to curb my freedom in order to graciously love and respect a fellow believer.

Today, I’m reminded of how difficult it can be to navigate human relationships. When do you speak? When do you shut up? When do you prod? When do you pull back? When do you choose in? When do you choose out? It takes wisdom, humility, deference, and a lot of love in order to do it well. God, please give me these in abundant measure.

Chapter-a-Day 1 Peter 2

Free speech doesn't mean careless talk^ - NARA...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech. 1 Peter  2:1 (NLT)

For the Lord’s sake, respect all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right. 1 Peter 2:13-14 (NLT)

We are just a few weeks away from the presidential election as I write this post. The political attack ads and vitriol is getting turned up to excessive levels. I observe that there is not only a viciousness in the paid-for advertisements but also in the supposedly objective media outlets as well as in the casual political conversations on the streets and in the coffee shops. As I picked up the Wall Street Journal while making my coffee this morning, the banner at the top read “Why are We So Rude Online?

Sometimes as I’m reading a chapter my heart or brain will be a connection between two different thoughts at different places within the text. So it was this morning that a connection was made between the command to rid ourselves of “unkind speech” and to “respect all human authority.” I felt a gentle prod in my spirit with regard to political conversation.

I am so blessed to live in a country where free speech is held as a God given right. I believe that political discourse and debate is a healthy thing and it’s at the foundation of a democratic form of government. What I tire of is not the discourse but the discourtesy. It’s not the debate that I mind but the demeaning jokes and dishonoring insults lofted from all sides towards those who are of a different political bent.

Today, I’m reminded to guard my heart, mind and mouth as it relates to political conversations. I have no problem being honestly critical of leaders and their policies. I don’t thing it’s wrong to disagree with others on political matters. It’s part of the debate that is necessary in a country that has freely elected officials. What I am convicted of this morning is to make sure that my criticism and anger towards those with whom I disagree about temporal, earthly politics does not become dishonoring and unkind. I am, more importantly, a citizen of an eternal, heavenly Kingdom calling me to always be gentle, kind and gracious in my conversation.