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Different Times, Same Human Challenges

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source: kurt-b via flickr
source: kurt-b via flickr
After some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Come, let us return and visit the believers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. But Paul decided not to take with them one who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not accompanied them in the work. The disagreement became so sharp that they parted company; Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and set out, the believers commending him to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. Acts 15:36-41 (NRSV)

On occasion I will run across fellow believers who hold the early church with high esteem and want today’s church to look and behave in the same way. As I mentioned in my post the other day, I think it’s a bit silly to presume that it is even possible in most respects. Today’s chapter, however, reminded me of a couple of things:

The early church wasn’t perfect nor was it some kind of utopian organization. Read between the lines and you find that the entire period was marked by controversy, politics, arguments, and interpersonal conflicts. Today’s chapter starts with a controversy (i.e. should circumcision be required of all followers of Jesus) that broils into a debate among factions. Those Jesus followers who were of the Jewish sect of the Pharisees were vocal pro-circumcision. The Jesus followers who were non-Jewish Gentiles (and really didn’t want to go through the pain of a very intimate surgical procedure for no good reason) were passionately anti-circumcision.

The church, then and now, is made up of fallible people who inevitably find themselves in conflict. Today’s chapter ends with Paul and Barnabas having a such a sharp argument about whether to bring John Mark on their trip that they part and go their separate ways. Paul had written John Mark off because of an earlier falling out (Where was the forgiveness?) and Barnabas wanted to give J-Mark a second chance. It appears that there was no sweet agreement and reconciliation. There was no idyllic conclusion of unity. There was anger, sharp argument, and division. That sounds like every group of Jesus followers I’ve ever been a part of. So,  maybe we’re more like the early church than we sometimes realize.

Today, I’m reminded of things that change and things that never change. Daily life, work, and culture have changed drastically in the last twenty years let alone the past 2,000. At the same time, our human challenges of love, kindness, understanding, reason, acceptance, and reconciliation have never changed. They simply takes on new guises in changing times and places.

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Refusing to Feed Emotional Fires

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source: judy baxter via Flickr
source: judy baxter via Flickr

If a ruler’s anger rises against you,
    do not leave your post;
    calmness can lay great offenses to rest.
Ecclesiastes 10:4 (NIV)

I am the youngest of four siblings. It is said, primarily by elder siblings, that the younger children always have it easier than their older brother and sisters. I do agree that parents tend to chill out as they get older. I don’t know whether this is because they have more parenting experience or because they are simply worn out. Perhaps a little of both. In that leg of my journey, I found that my path was sometimes made easier by observing and learning from the mistakes of my brothers and sister.

When I was young I watched the arguments between my parents and my siblings. Like all families, we had our fair share of them. My observation led me to perceive and understand that there was a consistent pattern in the way arguments escalated between my parents and my siblings:

  • Child asks for something they want.
  • Parent says, “no.”
  • Indignant, child rolls eyes and asks for reason.
  • Defensive, parent plays the authoritarian trump card. “Because, I said so.”
  • Child plays victim card, makes snide remark (under his breath, but still meant to be audibly heard) about never getting his way.
  • Parent takes offense, reacts, and angrily calls child out for his attitude.
  • Child raises his voice and accuses parent of injustice, recounting a string of similar cases.
  • Parent raises voice, recounts their own rap sheet of the child’s offenses, and threatens further punishment if child doesn’t back down.
  • Child screams and accuses parent of running a concentration camp for children.
  • Parent screams back what an ungrateful child they have and grounds him for life.
  • Doors slam.

Having observed this pattern on a number of occasions, I quickly learned that:

  1. Arguing never changed my parents initial decision, it only entrenched it.
  2. Arguing almost always ended with the child in worse trouble and more punishment.
  3. Arguing led to parental defensiveness and mistrust.

So, I stopped arguing:

  • Child asks for something they want.
  • Parent says, “No.” Instinctively sets defense shields to maximum.
  • Child calmly says, “Okay.” He returns to his room (face it, either way it’s where you always end up).
  • Parent scratches head and wonders what just happened.

To be honest, I wasn’t always happy about my parents decisions. My pragmatism didn’t lessen my adolescent anger. I threw some private tantrums back in my room that I refused to let my parents see. It just seemed to me that all the escalation and arguing was a waste of time and energy, and the ultimate outcome threatened to be worse than just sucking up the disappointment at not getting what I wanted. The result? I think my parents were ultimately easier going and more trusting with me because I was an easier going kid.

Looking back, I believe that learning this lesson proved valuable throughout my life journey. Directing my emotional energies where they can truly make a difference and wisely choosing my emotional battles has served me well. As Solomon alluded in today’s chapter, refusing to react to another person’s emotional outburst and remaining calm usually halts any further escalation. Choosing not to add fuel to the emotional fire, the other person’s rage will usually smolder rather quickly.

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Jesus, the Meta Communicator

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Source: sepblog via Flickr
Source: sepblog via Flickr

One day as Jesus was teaching the people in the temple courts and proclaiming the good news, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, together with the elders, came up to him. “Tell us by what authority you are doing these things,” they said. “Who gave you this authority?”

He replied, “I will also ask you a question. Tell me: John’s baptism—was it from heaven, or of human origin?”
Luke 20:1-4 (NIV)

One of our friends is a marriage and family therapist and over the years he’s commented on multiple occasions about the fact that Wendy and I meta communicate better than any couple he’s ever counseled. In other words, we communicate about how we’re communicating. Wendy and I don’t find this to be strange at all. We were both communication majors in college and theatre people by passion. We think about how things are being communicated all the time.

One of the things I love about Jesus is that He was a brilliant communicator. In today’s chapter, we find Jesus in Jerusalem the week before His execution and resurrection. He spends His days teaching in and around the Temple and He has stirred up a hornets nest of socio-political conflict. The crowds love Him. The religious leaders who control the Temple racket want Jesus rubbed out, but are afraid of His popularity and the potential political backlash if they move too quickly against Him. In an effort to publicly discredit Him and tarnish His popularity in the polls, the religious leaders send several waves of spies to try and trip Jesus up and provide them the ammunition to discredit the young rabbi.

But, Jesus (who had once claimed “I am the Word”) is a brilliant meta communicator. He sees through the questions coming at Him and immediately recognizes who is behind the question and what they are trying to do. So, Jesus applied a series of defensive communication strategies. First, He refuses to answer a direct question with a direct answer. Instead, Jesus responds to a question with a question and catches the chief priests in their own trap.

Wendy and I have noticed in recent years that our society and culture have slowly lost the art and ability to have honest, sincere conversations with people of differing opinions in an effort to explore ideas and opinions. The more polarized we become politically, socially and spiritually, the more our we find conversations are actually interrogations:

  • “Do you think homosexuals are going to hell?”
  • “Do you believe the Bible is the inerrant and infallible word of God?”
  • “Don’t you believe a woman should have a right to do what she wants with her body?”
  • “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?”
  • “If a woman eight months pregnant is murdered, is it one homicide or two?”
  • “Do you really think a hunter needs an uzi?”

In my experience, questions like these are not typically asked with the honest intention to openly explore issues of life and society with another person, but instead are asked to trap the respondent into a corner from which the interrogator can easily label him or her. “Oh, well she’s obviously a [conservative, liberal, religious nut job, whacko, gun nut, feminist, misogynist, Republican, Democrat, homosexual, homophobe, and etc.]”. Once labeled, we find it easier to dismiss other people and their thoughts, words, beliefs, opinions, and person.

Today, I’m thankful Wendy and I enjoy a diverse group of family, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances who represent a broad spectrum of thoughts, experiences, ideas and opinions. I’m grateful for those who show me love and respect despite their differences with me, and I want to follow Jesus’ command to tangibly love my enemies (which includes perceived enemies of thought, opinion, beliefs and politics).

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Responding (Not Reacting) When the Answer is “No”

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9731139389_f244ca7b9c_z“And now, Lord, let the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house be established forever. Do as you promised.” 1 Chronicles 17:23 (NIV)

When I was coming into my teen years, I remember observing exchanges between my peers and their parents. My friend would ask for permission to go here or there to do this or that. The parent would say “no.” My friend would blow up and start arguing. The parent would dig his or her heels in and the argument would escalate. In the end, my friend would  never have won the argument, the parent would be even more pissed off and distrustful of their child than they were before, and nothing of any positive value resulted from the argument.

Mulling this over in my mind for a while, I made a decision not to argue with my parents. If they said “no,” when I asked for something I would not argue, complain, roll my eyes, throw a tantrum, or indicate that I was angry in any way. I would simply respond “okay,” and walk away. It was a conscious choice not to react to my natural emotions but to willfully respond in a predetermined way. Sometimes I would walk to my room, shut the door and vent my frustration in private, but I vowed not to let my parents see me rattled. I’m sure I didn’t have a perfect record with my willful compliance, but I did pretty well.

I remember the first couple of times I did this I could see my mother brace for an argument and the surprise when I simply said “okay.” I could imagine her confusion and wonder, thinking “Wow, what’s up with him?” as I walked away. In the end, I think my strategy had a positive effect in a handful of ways. Things were more harmonious at home without the arguments. Because there was less escalation of arguments there was less of the regular punishments that came from yelling or being defiant with my parents. While I can’t quantify it, I also think my parents became more likely to say “yes” when I asked permission because of the way I handled their “no.”

I thought about that this morning as I read of David asking God to let him build a permanent temple in Jerusalem to replace the tent (or tabernacle) that the nation had used for centuries since the time of their wandering under Moses. David’s response was “Okay.” He didn’t throw a fit. He didn’t get angry. He didn’t rebel. He praised God, he thanked God for blessing him in so many ways, and he went along with the plan.

Today, I’m thinking about my own attitude and response to God when things don’t go my way. I think that perhaps I sometimes act as if I have forgotten the lesson I learned in my youth. I wonder if I’m a more petulant child with my Heavenly Father as an adult than I was with my earthly parents as a child.

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“Freud’s Last Session”

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C.S. Lewis
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Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, smok...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I will praise the Lord all my life;
    I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Psalm 146:2 (NIV)

Wendy and I went to see a wonderful play last night entitled Freud’s Last Session. It is set in the early days of World War II. Sigmund Freud fled Vienna and sought refuge in London. It is 1939 and his death from oral cancer is imminent. The play is a “what if” imagining in which the brilliant psychoanalyst and staunch atheist calls a young Oxford Professor and  Christian apologist, C.S. Lewis, to visit him in his London office.

The two intellectuals spar conversationally for an hour and twenty minutes about life, death, God, religion, history, sex, and family. There is precious little agreement but plenty of humorous jabs and flashes of passionate verbal conflict in-between very poignant human moments. The German Blitz and impending war is a present reality in the room as is Freud’s impending death. Their world views are polar opposites and in conflict with one another, yet under the tense debate between proud, brilliant scholars is a respectful curiosity of the opponent, a delight in the conversation and the desire understand.

There is no “winner” or “loser” in the play. Neither man is convinced or converted. In the final minutes through his coughing up blood, Freud makes his declaratory statement that the truth he sees is that “the end [e.g. death] is the end.” Lewis amicably departs his session with Freud, and each audience member is left to weigh the arguments themselves and carry on the conversation.

I woke up this morning thinking about the play, the men, and their respective world views. As I read the psalmist’s lyric above, I thought of Lewis, the story of his conversion, and his personal faith journey which . I have a story like his, and I closely identified with the faith and world view which molded Lewis’ own life journey for another 34 years after the play’s end. I can’t imagine my life apart from my faith. Like the psalmist, like Lewis, it is a faith journey which I will walk to my grave. At the same time, because of my faith I can’t imagine not loving and respecting those who don’t share it. Even those who passionately disagree with me.

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My Part in Unity

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Flight Class by Prof ShorthairHow good and pleasant it is
    when God’s people live together in unity!
Psalm 133:1 (NIV)

On the way back from my weekend at the lake with the guys, my friend Paul told me a new one. A church his parents attended split in two and died a slow, painful death because of a conflict. The big issue that caused so much division, anger and consternation: Whether it was okay for the pastor’s wife to have a job outside the home.

Seriously.

I have a long love-hate relationship with the institutional church. I must confess that when I read the opening lyric of today’s psalm a sarcastic and cynical chuckle left my lips. While I agree with David’s idyllic homage to unity, both he and I know that the more common experience is for God’s people to waste emotional energy in silly conflicts.

Nevertheless, I recognize that the lyric reads “when.” David seems to acknowledge that it’s not an ever always occurrence. I also realize that as a follower of Jesus I have a responsibility to my brothers and sisters. If we are to experience peace and unity then I am required to contribute with a right attitude towards the leaders and those I worship with each Sunday. I am called to act and speak out of loving kindness, deference, forgiveness, grace, and gentleness. I can only control my own thoughts, words, and actions, but if I do my part then perhaps we’re one step closer to a good and pleasant outcome.

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Quarrels and Quibbles About Jots and Tittles

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debate v argumentDon’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. 2 Timothy 2:23 (NIV)

Wherever my life journey has taken me, I have run into people who like to quarrel and quibble about the jots and tittles. Whether it’s theology they wish to argue or politics, I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting them. It usually begins with a seemingly innocent but direct question about what I believe on a particular theological or political subject. It’s a craps shoot. If I give the wrong answer (e.g. the answer that he doesn’t believe), then I catch a hint of sparkle in the person’s eyes as they pounce and attempt to initiate a verbal sparring session.

I don’t mind having conversations about theological or political topics with a person who is honestly inquisitive and a seeker of truth, even if we disagree. That’s not what I am describing. The quibbler is not seeking truth. He is arrogantly convinced of the absolute rightness of his position and wants to prove themselves and the argument right while rooting out what they believe to be the wrongness of others.

In Paul’s letter to Timothy he warns three times about useless quarrels and chatter. I imagine that languishing in chains in a Roman dungeon has a way of acutely refining your perspective on what truly matters. I have found that age has the same effect, admittedly in a much slower and less painful way. I don’t want to waste time and emotional energy in loveless verbal sparring sessions that have no eternal value. I prefer to invest in conversations that build up both of those who are engaged in the give and take, and which result in a greater measure of love and appreciation for one another.

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Chapter-a-Day Acts 15

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from fredcamino via flickr

After some time Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s go back and visit each city where we previously preached the word of the Lord, to see how the new believers are doing.” Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work. Their disagreement was so sharp that they separated. Barnabas took John Mark with him and sailed for Cyprus. Paul chose Silas, and as he left, the believers entrusted him to the Lord’s gracious care. Then he traveled throughout Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches there. Acts 15:36-41 (NLT)

Like many couples, my wife and I are opposites in many ways. These polar personality traits serve multiple purposes. As a couple, our diverse strengths complement one another and make us more effective as a team in our circles of influence. Our differences also have the long-term effect of sharpening one another. I am reminded however, that when you put a blade on the grinding wheel to sharpen it, sparks fly. Hang out with Wendy and me for any length of time and you’ll see sparks flying as our differences hone our respective personalities towards a more effective edge for God to use. Humans with starkly contrasting personality types, perspectives and giftedness will create sparks of conflict when they interact with one another. It’s a natural result of the human equation.

The theme through today’s entire chapter is conflict:

  • Two men came from Jerusalem proclaiming something that stirred confusion and conflict among the community.
  • Paul and Barnabas argue with them.
  • Paul and Barnabas travel to Jerusalem where factions rose up around the issue.
  • More conflict follows the leaders make a decision that was clearly unpopular with some.
  • Paul and Barnabas have a heated argument over a previous conflict between Paul and John Mark, a former member of their team.
  • Paul and Barnabas split up and travel in opposite directions.

Conflicts are going to happen. The real issue is how we respond when they do happen. We can let them tear us apart, or we can work through them so that they positively shape us and make us more effective people – even if we choose to walk away in separate directions.

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Day 20: The Last Argument You Had

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30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 20: The last argument you had.

I had to think hard about this one. Because Wendy and I work together, play together, live together, and sleep together, we are around each other all of the time. Our daily arguments are summer cloudbursts: they arrive without warning, are largely inconsequential, are gone before you know it and then they are quickly forgotten. Thus, I had to think hard to remember one.

This past Friday I remember coming downstairs in the early evening. Wendy asked me in a curt tone if I had made any decisions about supper. I immediately felt snippy and replied in matching curtness that I didn’t know it was my responsibility to decide anything about supper to which Wendy complained in some fashion that I’d been upstairs in my office (and, I guess, clearly not communicating about supper). We then dropped the snippy tone and decided on something to eat.

That was it. Shocking, I know.

Does anyone know of a good marriage counselor? 🙂

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Chapter-a-Day Matthew 19

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Coffee Argument
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But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Matthew 19:11 (MSG)

On Sunday night, after a long day and a trip to Des Moines, Wendy and I returned home and got into an argument. Little arguments pop up on any given day. They come and go like a cloudburst on a warm summer afternoon; They quickly emerge out of nowhere and are just as quickly forgotten. Then there are the arguments that build like a perfect storm and you unexpectedly find yourselves embroiled in a conversation that runs deep into the heart of who you are as individuals, and who you are together as a couple. The storm raged back and forth until after midnight on Sunday as we navigated our way through the tossing waves of intention, thought, emotion, notion and behavior.

Wendy and I don’t just have a good marriage, we have a great marriage. And still, at times, it’s really difficult to wade through the muck that’s created when two selfish, sinful human beings get together. We’re both good communicators and we still find it difficult at times to navigate the relational mine field of marriage.

I’ve lived through the long struggle and pain of a failed marriage. I’ve now experienced the blessing of a truly great marriage relationship. Through it all, I’ve come to better understand and truly believe Jesus’ words about marriage. We live in a culture dedicated to exactly the opposite of Jesus’ teaching: everyone should get married, and if you don’t there’s something wrong with you. That’s a huge load of b.s. We might publicly shout “amen” to Jesus’ words, but in practice we run to on-line dating services, play matchmaker to our unmarried friends and family, and secretly wonder “I wonder why he/she is still not married” as if being single is abnormal.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. Many people are better off single. We shake our heads in disgust at the divorce rate in our culture. Yet, aren’t we to blame when we treat marriage as a relational idol, bowing to the notion that marriage is to be honored without question even when the individuals getting married are setting sail into a perfect relational storm inside a dinghy that looks like swiss cheese?  Are we to blame for the divorce rate when we treat singleness as a cultural disease and make single people feel second rate? How many failed marriages begin with desperate individuals jumping at any chance to have a wedding and get married?

I’ll step off my soap box now.

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