Tag Archives: Singleness

The Time Paradox

The Time Paradox (CaD 1 Cor 7) Wayfarer

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep;those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
1 Corinthians 7:29-31 (NIV)

Thanks to Mr. Einstein and his cohorts, we’ve come to realize in the last 100 years that time is far more complex than anyone realized . It’s relative, not absolute. Though I believe that God was already hinting at this to us when through Moses’ prayer we learn:

A thousand years in your sight
    are like a day that has just gone by,
    or like a watch in the night.

Psalm 90:4 (NIV)

And, of course, God exists outside of time, which blows my mind open to all sorts of thoughts and considerations.

I’m not going to pretend to thoroughly understand the intricacies of time relativity, but I can certainly understand that our perception of time has an impact on how we think and live. In yesterday’s post I wrote/said that this earthly life is like a marathon 162 game baseball season and I need to learn to “take the loss” some days. At the same time, it is also true that the time left on my earthly journey likely is shorter than my grandchildren, which changes my perspective and perhaps my life decisions.

Today’s chapter is fascinating on a number of levels as Paul addresses a number of questions that the Corinthian believers had posed to him regarding singleness, marriage, divorce, and sexual relationships in light of their newfound faith in Jesus and desire to follow His teaching. Corinth was steeped in Roman and Greek thought, which contrasted culturally with the Jewish traditions with which Paul was raised and which were foundational to Jesus’ teachings. Add to that, however, that time plays a huge role in understanding Paul’s perspective on these matters, and informing my own.

In over 40 years as a disciple, I’ve heard today’s chapter quoted regularly in defense of individual’s beliefs about sex, marriage, divorce, and remarriage. To be honest, this chapter was quoted to me more than once in condemning me for getting divorced and remarried. I am in good company in this regard, I’m quite sure. However, I’ve never in all that time heard anyone seriously address the three verses I quoted above/at the tope of the podcast in which we learn that everything Paul is writing and instructing is based solely on Paul’s perspective of time.

Jesus told His followers that He would return one day, and we know from all of Paul’s writing that he was convinced that this return was imminent. “Time is short” he tells the Corinthians. He wanted the Corinthian believers to live as uncomplicated and simple lives as they could because he was convinced they didn’t have much time. Except they did, and I’ll get to that in a second.

Add to this perception of time the fact that I am reading Paul’s thoughts and instructions from a different waypoint in time. Not only has Jesus yet to return 2,000 years later, but my perceptions of time and life are different because time is different. Life spans are much longer and change is taking place much faster than Paul could have ever imagined.

So, what should my perspective be? Should I live today as if life is a marathon or should I live today as if today may be all I’ve got?

Yes.

I don’t think it’s an either-or question. Time, as God created it, provides this finite human being with paradoxes. The answer is both. And, this creates a certain tension, but that tension has always been present in the Great Story. I ultimately don’t know the number of my days and today might be my last, so that should factor into my perspective. At the same time, the number of my days is certainly getting shorter so I know that I am closer to the finish line than ever before, and that should inform my perspective. At the same time, it’s also true that people today commonly to live into their 90s and I could have another 30-40 years before I finish this earthly journey, so I need to factor that possibility into my perspective. At the same time, I believe that this entire earthly journey is but a tiny dot on the eternal time line, and this should inform my perspective today, as well.

So in the quiet this morning, I’m thinking back to what I wrote/said in yesterday’s post/podcast. I only have so much time, but even I don’t know exactly how much time I ultimately have on this planet. It could be a breath. It could be 40 years. Either way, I have to give consideration to how I best invest my time today for either possibility or eventuality, and let it inform my thoughts, words, actions, and relationships.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

These chapter-a-day blog posts are also available via podcast on all major podcast platforms including Apple, Google, and Spotify! Simply go to your podcast platform and search for “Wayfarer Tom Vander Well.” If it’s not on your platform, please let me know!

The Double Edged Sword of Marriage and Singleness

“I wish that all of you were [unmarried] as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”
1 Corinthians 7:7 (NIV)

Paul was unmarried, and in his letters to the followers of Jesus in Corinth he expresses his appreciation for being “undivided” in his loyalties. He means, that as an unmarried person he could devote himself fully to the work of God without having to invest time, energy, and resources into a marriage relationship. I understand the common sense in his reasoning. Marriage certainly takes work and a large investment of time and energy.

Over my earthly journey I have observed that we as humans tend to err on the extremes of many earthly issues. I have come to believe that my culture often does a disservice in fostering a pervasive expectation of marriage for all young people. Marriage is a great thing when it is right, but many young people walk into marriage thinking it will solve problems when it actually creates more problems (with greater complexity) than it solves.

The traditional marriage vows of the church state that “marriage should not be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but soberly, deliberately….” but I’ve observed that this is what happens more often than not. If the church wants people to heed that advice, then I think we need to do a much better job of communicating that singleness is a healthy, acceptable, and advisable life choice.

On the other end of the spectrum, it’s clear that some find celibacy and singleness to be a better spiritual choice. While I appreciate much about the Roman Catholic traditions, I have always thought the blanket prescription of celibate priests a silly idea. Just as it is wrong to think that everyone would be better off getting married, it is equally wrong to think that everyone is better off spiritually by staying single. I understand that the Roman church wants their priests to follow Paul’s example and be fully dedicated to their work, but I’m not convinced that celibacy is universally better for serving God.

This past Sunday I delivered the morning message in two services among my local gathering of Jesus followers. While I could have done it without Wendy, I am much better off with her by my side. She takes care of my needs in the morning (all the time, really) so that I can be prepared. She is a sounding board for my thoughts and ideas and helps me refine my message. She is quick and adept at helping me get wired for sound. She is constantly by my side providing relational and emotional support. She runs and gets me water or coffee if I need it. She gives me flawless and on-target critiques between services to help me improve. She is my greatest cheerleader and my strongest prayer supporter. After the service, she helps me debrief. Paul may have been better off serving God without a wife, but I am certain I would not serve God as well were it not for Wendy.

This morning I am thinking of my unmarried friends and family, some of whom struggle constantly with the cultural (or personal) perception that there is something wrong because they are not married. I’m thankful for them, and happy for the good things in this life that they enjoy with their freedom. I am also thinking about Wendy this morning. Like all marriages, ours has its constant challenges. Nevertheless, I am constantly aware of the many ways she makes me a better human being and a better servant of God.

Earthly Entanglements and Eternal Purposes

2012 06 02 Becky & Courtneys Wedding173I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. 1 Corinthians 7:32a (NLT)

Wendy and I live in an unusual situation compared to most married couples I know. We work for the same company and we both work from home. In our spare time we both serve on the Board of Directors for our local community theatre, operate the virtual box office together out of our home, and are regularly involved in shows and productions together on stage. On Sundays, Wendy and I serve together in the visual tech ministry of our church either directing video production or serving behind a video camera. The bottom line is that with the exception of some business travel, Wendy and I are virtually around one another 24/7/365.

Today’s chapter is a virtual web of situational and circumstantial advice, suggestions, and commands surrounding marriage, singleness, and relationships. It’s a little confusing to try and sort out all that Paul is saying and still get the context in which he’s saying it. Whenever I wade into a chapter like this, I try to look for the crux of what the author is getting at. I think the sentence I pulled out from verse 32 is it. Paul’s personal preference is for people to be single like he was, and to be free from earthly concerns so they can focus on eternal matters. He personally saw it as a good thing for people to be free to follow God’s calling without the complications of earthly responsibility.

Being married, and being around your spouse all the time, it’s easy for me to relate to the point that Paul was trying to get through to the believers in Corinth. Marriage creates earthly entanglements. Perhaps this is even more clear to me because my beloved and I are around one another so much. Because of me and the girls, Wendy’s mental focus is constantly shifting from what she needs to do herself to managing the house and the needs of others in the family. She never complains (okay, she rarely complains), but there is no doubt that I am a complication to her existence. The same is true on my side of the ledger. Besides the day to day priorities of making sure I’m looking out for Wendy’s needs, being married carries added responsibility of thinking about provision, planning, and legacy. I’m not just responsible for myself but for my family and the probability that I will leave this world before them.

Marriage creates earthly entanglements. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it is an honorable thing and Paul acknowledges that those who are in marriage are called to serve their spouse well. Nevertheless, one must understand that marriage carries weighty and far reaching consequences. You can’t always do the things you personally desire or perhaps to even to do things to which you feel called because your higher priority is looking out for and meeting the needs of your spouse. As a single person, Paul observed the freedom he had to serve Jesus wholeheartedly without the entanglements of marriage, and he obviously thought it a good thing to do if a person could pull it off.

This morning, I’m thinking about Wendy and me and one observation that Paul didn’t make. Sometimes two are better than one because there is a better return on their labor. I am convinced that Wendy and I together accomplish more and do a better job than either of us would alone. We compliment one another’s strengths, sharpen one another’s dull edges, and protect one another from our weaknesses and shortcomings. The marriage brings earthly entanglements, but it also brings tangible, eternal strengths to our earthly purposes.

 

Chapter-a-Day Matthew 19

Coffee Argument
Image by alasdair.d via Flickr

But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Matthew 19:11 (MSG)

On Sunday night, after a long day and a trip to Des Moines, Wendy and I returned home and got into an argument. Little arguments pop up on any given day. They come and go like a cloudburst on a warm summer afternoon; They quickly emerge out of nowhere and are just as quickly forgotten. Then there are the arguments that build like a perfect storm and you unexpectedly find yourselves embroiled in a conversation that runs deep into the heart of who you are as individuals, and who you are together as a couple. The storm raged back and forth until after midnight on Sunday as we navigated our way through the tossing waves of intention, thought, emotion, notion and behavior.

Wendy and I don’t just have a good marriage, we have a great marriage. And still, at times, it’s really difficult to wade through the muck that’s created when two selfish, sinful human beings get together. We’re both good communicators and we still find it difficult at times to navigate the relational mine field of marriage.

I’ve lived through the long struggle and pain of a failed marriage. I’ve now experienced the blessing of a truly great marriage relationship. Through it all, I’ve come to better understand and truly believe Jesus’ words about marriage. We live in a culture dedicated to exactly the opposite of Jesus’ teaching: everyone should get married, and if you don’t there’s something wrong with you. That’s a huge load of b.s. We might publicly shout “amen” to Jesus’ words, but in practice we run to on-line dating services, play matchmaker to our unmarried friends and family, and secretly wonder “I wonder why he/she is still not married” as if being single is abnormal.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. Many people are better off single. We shake our heads in disgust at the divorce rate in our culture. Yet, aren’t we to blame when we treat marriage as a relational idol, bowing to the notion that marriage is to be honored without question even when the individuals getting married are setting sail into a perfect relational storm inside a dinghy that looks like swiss cheese?  Are we to blame for the divorce rate when we treat singleness as a cultural disease and make single people feel second rate? How many failed marriages begin with desperate individuals jumping at any chance to have a wedding and get married?

I’ll step off my soap box now.

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