Arguing | Wayfarer

The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat!“
Numbers 11:4 (NIV)

There is a classic family video of when the girls were toddlers. One of their favorite toys were Polly Pockets, tiny plastic dolls that came with their own little pocket-sized doll houses. The girls want to take their Polly Pockets to bed with them, and I wouldn’t let them because they were a choking hazard. Oh, my goodness. Complete and utter emotional breakdown. So much so, that I just had to grab the video camera and video tape the moment. It is etched in my memory and ever reminds me of life’s meltdown moments.

Along my life journey, I’ve come to observe that adults have similar emotional meltdowns as toddlers, we’re just more sophisticated at it. In fact, as I meditate on it I can think of at least two full-blown adult emotional meltdowns I’ve witnessed in the past two week. One was a meltdown into rage and anger, the other into fear, anxiety, and despair.

Today’s chapter marks a major shift in the book of Numbers and establishes a recurring theme through the rest of the book. To this point, the text has continually presented the Hebrew tribes as compliant and obedient to whatever God asked of them through Moses. Today’s chapter starts with the people complaining generally about their hardships, as if it’s overwhelming public sentiment in the camp. Then it’s rabble, or a smaller group of disgruntled people with a specific complaint about God not providing an expansive enough menu. The incessant whining sends Moses, like the parent of obstinate toddlers, into his own full “I can’t do this anymore” meltdown of complaints to the Almighty.

As I think back to being both a parent and a leader in business, community, and church, all I can say is, “Yep. Been there. Done that.”

I have also noticed along my life journey that we love to pick and choose certain verses to demand literal obedience, typically those that have to do with morality like not getting drunk on wine, or ritual like keeping the Sabbath holy. But then there are verses like “greet one another with a holy kiss” that we conveniently ignore.

One of the verses that I don’t think I’ve ever heard addressed in a sermon on Sunday is from Paul’s letter to the Philippians that we just trekked through on this chapter-a-day journey a few weeks ago. Paul writes:

“Do everything without grumbling or arguing…”
Philippians 2:14 (NIV)

In the quiet this morning, it occurs to me that it’s very easy for me to think of examples both current and past in which I’ve had to endure the whining, complaining, grumbling, and arguing of others. If there’s anyone I identify with in the chapter this morning, it’s Moses. That said, I recognize that it’s easy for me to point the finger at others and ignore the three fingers pointing back at me.

Have I grumbled about anything or anyone in recent days?
Yes.
Have I been discontent with current circumstances or lot in life?
Yes.
Have I said things or acted out of either my complaints or discontent in ways that weren’t productive or conducive to building others up?
Yep.

Mea culpa.

As I head into this, another work week, today’s chapter is a good reminder about attitude, gratitude, and contentment. The Hebrews shifted from contentment and obedience to grumbling and complaining, and my observation is that this is a really easy shift for me to mindlessly make in my own heart, head, emotions, words, and behavior. The shift back to contentment and obedience requires discipline, contentment, and trust.

“Do everything without grumbling or arguing…”

Lord, help me not ignore that one, and learn to trust You more.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

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If a ruler’s anger rises against you,
do not leave your post;
calmness can lay great offenses to rest.
Ecclesiastes 10:4 (NIV)

I am the youngest of four siblings. It is said, primarily by elder siblings, that the younger children always have it easier than their older brother and sisters. I do agree that parents tend to chill out as they get older. I don’t know whether this is because they have more parenting experience or because they are simply worn out. Perhaps a little of both. In that leg of my journey, I found that my path was sometimes made easier by observing and learning from the mistakes of my brothers and sister.

When I was young I watched the arguments between my parents and my siblings. Like all families, we had our fair share of them. My observation led me to perceive and understand that there was a consistent pattern in the way arguments escalated between my parents and my siblings:

Child asks for something they want.
Parent says, “no.”
Indignant, child rolls eyes and asks for reason.
Defensive, parent plays the authoritarian trump card. “Because, I said so.”
Child plays victim card, makes snide remark (under his breath, but still meant to be audibly heard) about never getting his way.
Parent takes offense, reacts, and angrily calls child out for his attitude.
Child raises his voice and accuses parent of injustice, recounting a string of similar cases.
Parent raises voice, recounts their own rap sheet of the child’s offenses, and threatens further punishment if child doesn’t back down.
Child screams and accuses parent of running a concentration camp for children.
Parent screams back what an ungrateful child they have and grounds him for life.
Doors slam.

Having observed this pattern on a number of occasions, I quickly learned that:

Arguing never changed my parents initial decision, it only entrenched it.
Arguing almost always ended with the child in worse trouble and more punishment.
Arguing led to parental defensiveness and mistrust.

So, I stopped arguing:

Child asks for something they want.
Parent says, “No.” Instinctively sets defense shields to maximum.
Child calmly says, “Okay.” He returns to his room (face it, either way it’s where you always end up).
Parent scratches head and wonders what just happened.

To be honest, I wasn’t always happy about my parents decisions. My pragmatism didn’t lessen my adolescent anger. I threw some private tantrums back in my room that I refused to let my parents see. It just seemed to me that all the escalation and arguing was a waste of time and energy, and the ultimate outcome threatened to be worse than just sucking up the disappointment at not getting what I wanted. The result? I think my parents were ultimately easier going and more trusting with me because I was an easier going kid.

Looking back, I believe that learning this lesson proved valuable throughout my life journey. Directing my emotional energies where they can truly make a difference and wisely choosing my emotional battles has served me well. As Solomon alluded in today’s chapter, refusing to react to another person’s emotional outburst and remaining calm usually halts any further escalation. Choosing not to add fuel to the emotional fire, the other person’s rage will usually smolder rather quickly.