Tag Archives: Relationship

Chapter-a-Day

The Erosion of Relationship

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Jacob Talks with Laban (illustration from the ...
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“Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of timbrels and harps?” Genesis 31:27 (NLT)

The pattern of deception and manipulation we’ve seen within the family system of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob continues to escalate between Jacob and his Uncle Laban. It finally breaks the relationship.  Jacob sneaks off in the middle of the night. When Laban asks the question above, the unspoken answer is obvious. Jacob doesn’t trust Laban because Laban has proven untrustworthy. Laban doesn’t trust Jacob because Jacob isn’t trustworthy. There can no longer be relationship between them because the foundation of relationship has been destroyed. There is no mutual trust on which to build life together.

Honesty and trust are critical to a healthy, growing relationship. Deception and passive aggressive manipulation will eventually make any kind of intimacy untenable.

Today, I’m reminded of my responsibility in the circles of relationship and influence around me. I cannot control others, but I must control my own actions and manage my end of relationships. That responsibility includes my being appropriately honest, transparent and worthy of another person’s trust. It also includes the responsibility to set boundaries between me and others when it is necessary to protect myself, my loved ones and others from relational harm.

 

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Chapter-a-Day

Companions for the Journey

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Chapter-a-Day Genesis 2

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NLT)

I love the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. I know I’ve mentioned it on this blog before (probably multiple times). It’s one of the movies I could watch over and over again. No matter how many times I see it I can’t get through the ending without the tears welling up in my eyes and dripping down my cheeks. I love simple truths powerfully communicated, and I love when George Bailey opens up the copy of Tom Sawyer to find the inscription:

Dear George, Remember no man is a failure who has friends.

Alone-ness is not a good thing. We need companionship. We need fellowship. We need relationship. We need others walking beside us on our life’s journey. It is the way we were designed and wired by our Creator. We were created to know and be known and even God recognized that our life on this Earth would not be right without other human beings to share the experience. It is one of the first things we learn about humanity in God’s Message.

I am and have been blessed with good companions throughout my life’s journey, but my experience is that these relationships typically don’t just happen by chance.  The fruit of good relationship follows seasons of cultivating, plowing, planting, watering, feeding, weeding, and pruning. If we want authentic relationships then we have to prepare ourselves for it, we have to pursue it, and we have to be willing to give time for relationship to grow.

This morning I’m doing a little introspection. I’m thinking about and asking God to reveal to me the ways I can be better at relationships. The further I get in this journey the more I treasure and need meaningful relationships. It starts with me.

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Built to Last

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English: Unique Ancient Olive Tree
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Chapter-a-Day Psalm 52

But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God.
    I will always trust in God’s unfailing love.
Psalm 52:8 (NLT)

I’ve already seen many things change in my lifetime. Experts say that technology is advancing so rapidly that we are experiencing more change at a faster rate than any generation of humans before us. One of the changes I’ve noticed is our transformation into a disposable society. We don’t make things to last anymore. We make things to get us by for a time in anticipation that we will get something “new and improved” in a relatively short period of time. We are quick to toss things away and acquire something new.

I often wonder how this rapid-change, toss-away culture affects our spiritual health and formation. God calls us into relationship with Him and quality relationships are not temporal or disposable. They require time, energy, perseverance and commitment. The spiritual journey is a grueling marathon, not a quick sprint.

In today’s lyric, David describes himself as an “olive tree.” In the area of Jerusalem, this metaphor would be well understood. Olive trees in Israel are nearly as plentiful as corn fields in Iowa. Olive trees aren’t much to look at, but the thing I’ve come to appreciate about the hardy, gnarled old trees is the fact that they are built to last. They live for hundreds, even thousands of years. David used the olive tree to express his commitment and devotion to God which would not quickly fade but would continually bear fruit over time.

Today, I’m reminded to appreciate things that are built to last, and to realize that this spiritual journey is a trek of iron-man like proportions. Not only that, it cuts against the grain of popular culture. It is no wonder Jesus said that the road to Life is narrow and few follow it.

 

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Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Hosea 12

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source: vad levin via Flickr

So now, come back to your God.
    Act with love and justice,
    and always depend on him.
Hosea 12:6 (NLT)

I’m not a very religious person. You might find that a silly statement since I’m all about this God talk with my blog posts and all. But, when it comes to all the traditional religious trappings and traditions of the organized local church, I’m not a mindless lemming. In fact, with all of my experience with different churches through the years I tend to approach the organized church with a suspicious eye and a sarcastic spirit. Call it a love-hate relationship. When it comes to the local church, I tend to find myself more comfortably relating to the non-believers and prodigal children of the community.

That being said, I have a heart for and struggle beside those who’ve never believed or those who’ve walked away from God because of the failings of the church. These folks tend to confuse a sincere and personal relationship with the Creator with card carrying membership in the local union organization of God followers (read: church). It’s an easy mistake to make. You’d assume that the organization who claims to represent the Almighty would provide the best representation, but I’ve found that not to be the case. Not only that, but it seems to be a bit of a universal theme in history. Those who enmesh themselves with the organization tend to gravitate towards keeping up appearances and worshipping the trappings and traditions instead of focusing on what Hosea encouraged in today’s chapter: “Act with love and justice, and always depend on [God].”

For those individuals souls who, as it relates to God, feel like they are languishing in the spiritual wilderness in anger, fear, alienation, disappointment, or misguided belief that God could never forgive what you’ve done – today’s call from Hosea is an honest one. God says it over and over and over again throughout His Message: come back. Don’t come back to religiosity, legalistic traditions and empty rituals, but come back to a relationship with God who loves you so much that He sacrificed His own Son that you might experience life, love, and forgiveness. Don’t come back to lock-step church membership, but do come back to God’s prescribed path of living out love and justice on day at a time.

Don’t be confused. There is a difference.

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Hosea 6

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English: Watch Movement Français : Mouvement d...
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I want you to show love,
    not offer sacrifices.
I want you to know me
    more than I want burnt offerings.
Hosea 6:6 (NLT)

Intimacy has been a recurring topic in my life conversations of late. How interesting that it relates both to human relationships, namely marriage, but also to our relationship (or lack thereof) with God. Time and time again, God’s message makes a direct parallel between the two. Jesus used the metaphor of marriage to describe our relationship with Him on a continual basis.

Many struggle with intimacy in marriage. Having going through divorce after a 17 year marriage, I know that struggle. Instead of the deep experience of truly knowing and being known, two people spiritually, emotionally, and even physically hide themselves from one another. The relationship becomes contractual and platonic. Sex becomes a physical exercise (“Well, I guess we should”) rather than a spiritual and emotional experience of bodies and souls intertwining and finding oneness.

The same can be true of our relationship with God. Instead of the experience of truly knowing and being known, we spiritually and emotionally hide ourselves from God. The relationship becomes contractual and Lifeless. Relationship becomes rigid religious exercise rather than a spiritual and emotional experience of God and me in intertwining oneness.

I love the way God said it through Hosea the way a spouse would say it to his or her mate: I want your love – not your obligatory duty. I don’t want you to live with me as much as I want you to live within me.

Today, I’m continuing to pursue my relationship with God just as I pursue my relationship with Wendy. I want to relate to each in such a way that I experience it growing organically deeper and more fruitfully life-giving instead of going through rote daily ritual like a cog and a wheel in an inanimate machine.

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Psalm 32

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When I refused to confess my sin,
    my body wasted away,
    and I groaned all day long.
Psalm 32:3 (NLT)

Like many, I’m a fan of The Godfather saga. The first two films in the trilogy undoubtedly rank among the greatest stories ever told on film. I’m also not alone in my belief that the third film of the series, while an okay film, does not come close to the quality of first two. Nevertheless, The Godfather III has moments of brilliance, and one of them came to mind this morning as I read today’s chapter.

In the film, an aged and unhealthy Michael Corleone seeks out one of the Cardinals in the Vatican to elicit his help with corruption that is taking place in the Holy See’s upper ranks. The stress of the situation is too much and in the moment of their meeting Michael suffers the beginnings of a diabetic seizure. The Cardinal, recognizing the spiritual agony as well as physical ailments Michael suffers, explains that when the soul is in agony the body cries out. He encourages Michael to unburden his soul in confession, something that Michael has not done since childhood. A lifetime of sin and corruption clogs his heart, but the Cardinal slowly urges Michael to let it out. It is one of the most poignant moments in the entire story arc of the three films.

Holding tight to our guilt and sin in an effort to keep it secret is holding on to spiritual cancer. It may not be noticeable at first, but slowly it begins to eat away at our heart, mind and spirit. Symptomatic effects begin to show up in our relationships, our thoughts, our emotions and even our bodies.

Confession is not only good for the soul, but it gives way to an inflow of Life that can bring healing in a myriad of ways.

Today is a good day for confession. Let it go.

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Psalm 9

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English: Photograph of holing binoculars
English: Photograph of holing binoculars (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.
Psalm 9:10 (NLT)

Ask a follower of Jesus to tell you their story and the opening chapters of the tale you will hear will typically be about that person’s search. Before one becomes a follower, before you are in relationship, and even before you know Him by name, you first find yourself a seeker.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8 (NIV)

As with all that God has created, there is generally a natural and organic progression to things. The search is critical, for what you seek determines the paths you choose and the paths you choose determine where you end up.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)

God does not abandon those who search after Him.

Don’t give up.

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Acts 24

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The Andaman Cellular Jail was the shadiest pri...
The Andaman Cellular Jail was the shadiest prison of the British rule in india. Now it is Indian National Memorial and tourist attraction at Port Blair. There is a single door with close up. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

He also hoped that Paul would bribe him, so he sent for him quite often and talked with him. After two years went by in this way, Felix was succeeded by Porcius Festus. And because Felix wanted to gain favor with the Jewish people, he left Paul in prison. Acts 24:26-27 (NLT)

Going through divorce was a particularly agonizing stretch of my journey. I have found that while there are commonalities to the human experience, a relationship is like a fingerprint. While it looks similar to all other fingerprints, it is unique in detail between the two people who have created one relationship and then experienced its deterioration. It is not a pleasant experience when a marriage breaks apart.

Whenever the path leads through difficult times, it’s easy to ask “Why me?” Despite the fact that our circumstances are largely the result of our own choices and actions, we sometimes shake our fist at God and scream “Why me?” We might recede into depressed places and moan “Why me?” We could even choose an even more dangerous path to distract us from having to finish this particular stretch of the journey and avoid asking the question altogether (until we find ourselves in an even worse spot).

In the midst of the maelstrom of stress and emotions of divorce, I found myself talking to my Pastor. It was actually the first time we’d had a conversation. As I shared with him my experience, I wondered how he was going to respond to my story. Would he label, judge and condemn me the way so many others had? After I finished my rambling tale of woe, he looked at me and quietly said, “Someday, Tom, I believe you are going to be called upon to walk beside someone who is going through a divorce just like you are. Because of all that you are going through right now, you will be the right person to help someone else who needs understanding and wisdom in the midst of what they are going through. God is ultimately going to use all of this for His purposes.”

I thought of that conversation, and the opportunities I’ve had, even in recent weeks, to walk with those who are traversing a similar stretch of their own relational journeys. I think about Paul languishing in prison because of ridiculous, trumped up charges and the Governor’s political machinations to keep the Jewish leaders happy. Paul could have screamed, “Why me?” and chafed at his difficult circumstances. Instead, he recognized the opportunities his chains afforded him to share the love of God with the Governor, his wife, and the “captive audience” all around him. He recognized that God was ultimately using Paul’s difficult circumstances for His eternal purposes.

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Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Acts 17

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Boy-with-binoculars (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“His purpose was for the nations to seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him—though he is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and exist.” Acts 17:27-28a (NLT)

According to a survey cited in the Washington Post, 92 percent of Americans believe in God, a Universal Spirit, or Higher Power.

This isn’t a shock to me. It fits with my own experience through life’s journey. I have come to realize that most people, if not all people, have an inherent awareness of God’s existence and presence around them, even when they can’t quite understand it or wrap any kind of definition around it. Even when I talk to one of the eight percent who profess not to believe in God, I often sense that their unbelief springs out of a rebellion or reaction rooted in spiritual pain or injury caused by religion or misguided religious zealots.

Paul was tapping into this same awareness as he stood in Athens and observed the diverse religious activity around him. He realized that with all of their religion the people of Athens were feeling their way towards God, acting on the awareness of God’s presence all around them. Even today churches are filled with those who are feeling around, trying to find God and grab on.

Jesus said that we will find Him if we seek after Him with all of our heart. I’ve come to understand that the crucial question is not if we believe in the existence of a Higher Power. Most, if not all of us do in one form or another. The more crucial question is: “For what (or whom) are our hearts truly seeking?”

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Acts 15

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from fredcamino via flickr

After some time Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s go back and visit each city where we previously preached the word of the Lord, to see how the new believers are doing.” Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work. Their disagreement was so sharp that they separated. Barnabas took John Mark with him and sailed for Cyprus. Paul chose Silas, and as he left, the believers entrusted him to the Lord’s gracious care. Then he traveled throughout Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches there. Acts 15:36-41 (NLT)

Like many couples, my wife and I are opposites in many ways. These polar personality traits serve multiple purposes. As a couple, our diverse strengths complement one another and make us more effective as a team in our circles of influence. Our differences also have the long-term effect of sharpening one another. I am reminded however, that when you put a blade on the grinding wheel to sharpen it, sparks fly. Hang out with Wendy and me for any length of time and you’ll see sparks flying as our differences hone our respective personalities towards a more effective edge for God to use. Humans with starkly contrasting personality types, perspectives and giftedness will create sparks of conflict when they interact with one another. It’s a natural result of the human equation.

The theme through today’s entire chapter is conflict:

  • Two men came from Jerusalem proclaiming something that stirred confusion and conflict among the community.
  • Paul and Barnabas argue with them.
  • Paul and Barnabas travel to Jerusalem where factions rose up around the issue.
  • More conflict follows the leaders make a decision that was clearly unpopular with some.
  • Paul and Barnabas have a heated argument over a previous conflict between Paul and John Mark, a former member of their team.
  • Paul and Barnabas split up and travel in opposite directions.

Conflicts are going to happen. The real issue is how we respond when they do happen. We can let them tear us apart, or we can work through them so that they positively shape us and make us more effective people – even if we choose to walk away in separate directions.