Tag Archives: Relationship

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Proverbs 20

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Many will say they are loyal friends, 
      but who can find one who is truly reliable?
Proverbs 20:6 (NLT)

Who are you gonna call at 2:00 a.m. when the world is crashing down around you and you are at the end of your rope?

That question has been asked at various men’s gatherings I’ve attended over the years. It’s is a worthwhile question every man should answer. As men, we tend to retreat into our man cave, switch on ESPN, fire up the video game, break open a cold one, and zone out. With other guys we talk sports, we talk cars, we talk babes, we play poker, we ride Harley’s, we hunt. But all the man cave manliness can easily distract us from developing relationships and having crucial conversations that get to the important stuff of life.

What does it really mean to be a man? How do I love my wife well? How do I do right by my kids? What do I really do with this whole “God thing?” When you’re not having those conversations with other men, then the shit hits the fan at 2:00 a.m., we need to pick up the phone and cry out for help, but there is nothing but a blank stare and a feeling of panic. I’ve got no one I can call.

Today, I’m thankful that I not only have a guy I can call – I have a list of guys on speed dial. I have a list of guys starting with my family, to my oldest friend, to guys from high school, to guys from college, to guys with whom I’ve walked this journey the past few years. I am so blessed with friends with whom I can live it up in the man cave having a blast being guys, but then I can then pour a cold one, stoke up a stogie, and wade fearlessly into the deep weeds of life.

Those kind of relationships are generally not stumbled upon. They aren’t the pay out of a relational lottery. They are sought after, cultivated, and consciously grown over time. If you live in my area, this is a great place to start the search.

Who are you gonna call?

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Proverbs 9

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Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return. 
      Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt. 
Proverbs 9:7 (NLT) 

One of the tasks I have in my job is to sit down one-on-one with people, listen to some of their phone calls, and help them learn how they can do a better job serving their customers. It’s not rocket science, but companies recognize that when a customer calls with a question or a need there is moment of truth taking place. That customer will walk away with a distinct impression of the company based on how that associate handled the call. So, I help them make it as positive an interaction as possible.

As you might imagine, I have coached a diverse number of people. Some of them are “mockers” who clearly do not want to be there, listen to little or nothing I have to say, and refuse to change even the simplest of behaviors. I’ve been cussed at, threatened, insulted and had people turn away cross their arms and refuse to look at me. I’ve learned over time that there is little I can do for some people other than to provide them the information as clearly and positively as I can without reacting to their negative behaviors.

Fortunately others are open, teachable and desire to do a great job. They are willing to listen to my feedback and genuinely try to change their behaviors.

I couldn’t help but think of the different people I’ve coached over the years as I read of Wisdom contrasting those who are “mockers” and those who are “wise” in today’s chapter. I’ve seen the difference and I understand why she advises not wasting your time with certain people.

When it comes to work I am paid to coach everyone and to do my best to communicate even with those who will refuse to listen. When it comes to life I have more latitude to focus my time, energy and conversation in relationships that will bring life and fill life’s well. The older I get, the more discerning I become with regard to whom I will interact.

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Zechariah13

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I’ll say, ‘That’s my people.’
   They’ll say, ‘God—my God!'” Zechariah 13:9b (MSG)

Walking through a crowd of people at a local event, I know a lot of people. Most of them are simply familir acquaintances. I smile. I wave. I greet the person by name and utter a non-chalant “How are you?” as both of us keep moving. They are a face in the crowd. A familiar face, perhaps, but still just a face with a name and little bit if of knowledge that makes the slight differentiation from a complete stranger.

Walking on through the crowd, I see someone I know. More than passing knowledge of their name and a few facts about them, I know this person intimately. We are good friends. I stop. He stops. We embrace warmly. My “How are you?” is now directed to the person with eye contact and intention. I want to know. I will stand and listen for the response. We have spent time together. We have shared the journey. The knowledge of one another is far more intimate. More than that, there is an affinity for one another. The crowd mills around in every direction, but attention is focused on this one person and this one conversation. When the conversation ends, I am quick to tell my fellow companions about the person to whom I was just having conversation. “That was my friend,” I’ll say as I describe him and our relationship. I want them to know my friend, as well.

I think about God’s Message to Zechariah and feel underneath the text His strong desire to be in relationship with us. Not just a casual, passing knowledge about one another but a deep relationship that comes from sharing time, conversation and experience. The kind of relationship that sources a desire to proclaim it, and share it with others. “That’s my people!” God says. “That’s my God,” I say to my companions.

I walk through the crowd. What about God? Is He a complete stranger. Would I know Him if I bumped into Him? Is he simply a familiar face for whom I have not problem smiling and waving with a passing nod. Or, is He someone I know and would gladly stop to talk and introduce to my companions?

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Wayfarer's Journal

Artist Date

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A month or so ago I wrote a post in the 30 day blogging challenge I was doing about a date I would like to go on. Wendy and I finally arranged the “Artist Date” a few weeks ago and headed out on a gorgeous autumn afternoon with our friends Sam and Candace. We spent about and hour or so wandering through the Des Moines Art Center, taking in the collection on display. Each of us then split up and spent just over a half-hour with one work of art that stood out to us for whatever reason.

Being a beautiful, warm, sunny afternoon, I spent my time in the courtyard with the DMAC’s iconic statue of a man launching himself off of a pegasus. I’ve seen this sculpture a million times and it had sort of morphed into the background of the Art Center’s surroundings. I didn’t think much about it. So, I took some time to really study it. It spoke to me of the relationship of myth and culture. I realized that the statue, now surrounded by the three very different buildings making up the DMAC, had layers of meaning for me that the artist could have never envisioned since it was conceptualized and installed well before its present surroundings. I thought a lot about the meaning of artwork that gets layered upon it over time and the changes of culture compared to the artist’s original intent. It spoke to me of courage, faith, and adventure.

We stopped for coffee and casual conversation at Zanzibar’s on Ingersoll. It was a great time of building relationship and friendship as the process of knowing and being known deepened between the four of us. We then took a walk through the sculpture garden downtown before ending up at Noah’s for a wonderful dinner.

Over dinner, each of us shared about the work of art with which we spent time. It was really interesting to hear how each piece affected the viewer and intersected with our current life experiences. We had a lively conversation with great food and good wine, topped off with rich, dark chocolate cake for dessert.

The ride home flew by as our conversation continued. Wendy and I could not have enjoyed ourselves more as we looked back on the day. It fulfilled what I’d blogged about and envisioned back in August. Great experiences with great people certainly serve to fill life’s well.

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Deuteronomy 26

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“And today God has reaffirmed that you are dearly held treasure….” Deuteronomy 26:18a (MSG)

When I teach customer service skills to my clients, one of the skills I talk about is the importance of using the customer’s name in your conversation. Names imply relationship, and you want your customers to feel that they are more than just another “customer,” “account,” or “call” you have to deal with that day. They are a person who is known. You communicate that by calling them by name.

The truth of the matter is that as a relationship grows and becomes more intimate we not only use each other’s names but nicknames and pet names emerge that speak to an even deeper level of knowing and being known. The opposite is also true. As a relationship breaks down, people stop using one another’s names and refer to each other with simple pronouns like “they.” Then, derogatory nicknames emerge that communicate our negative perceptions of the person.

In today’s chapter, God tells Israel that they are “dearly held treasure” and it immediately reminded me of my own dearly held treasure: my wife, and my daughters. In fact, “treasure” is a special word between Wendy and me; It has incredible depth of meaning in our relationship. What makes it special I will leave between the two of us, but suffice it to say that when I read that God affirms that His children are “dearly held treasure” I feel something very deeply because of the connotations that “treasure” make with the most intimate human relationship I’ve ever experienced.

Today, I am thankful for dearly held treasure. I am thankful that I can treasure my wife, my children, my family and my friends. I am grateful that God treasures me.

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Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Deuteronomy 24

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When a man takes a new wife, he is not to go out with the army or be given any business or work duties. He gets one year off simply to be at home making his wife happy. Deuteronomy 24:5 (MSG)

Having been through a long-suffering marriage that ended divorce and having walked beside friends in their own marital struggles, I’ve found that the issues which plague a marriage are often present at the very beginning of a relationship. I’ve both experienced and heard many others say they could look back and see the problems which eventually grew to choke the relationship surfaced in the honeymoon and quickly spread through the early years of the marriage.

The first steps are critical to the success of the marital journey. The relational roles and patterns which are formed in those initial months very often set the course for the direction the relationship will take and the destination to which it will eventually arrive. This is not to say that couples can never overcome a rocky start to the marriage, but the truth of the matter is that they often do not.

How fascinating that God’s direction, given in ancient days, was for the groom to take a year off of work or war to spend at home with his bride. God makes it clear that time and proximity are crucial ingredients for the success of any relationship, especially that of marriage. Women are complex creatures in which men find eternal mystery. Unlocking that mystery requires our own God given sense focus, strength, and tenacity. If we go AWOL at the beginning of the relationship, it is very likely we will have lost the keys forever in our flight from responsibility.

It is said: “happy wife, happy life.” We men would do well to remember (and by that I mean we need constant reminder) that a woman’s happiness begins with a partner who is present, engaged and attentive. These ingredients do not guarantee the success of the relationship, but without them the odds of failure become a sure bet.

Random Thoughts, Wayfarer's Journal

Day 16: 3 Things You Are Proud of About Your Personality

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Murph with his tongue waggin'
Murph with his tongue waggin’

30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 16: Three things you are proud of about your personality.

Over the years I’ve used a personality test introduced by John Trent and Gary Smalley in their book The Two Sides of Love with different groups I’ve taught and led. Trent and Smalley use animals as word pictures to describe the four predominate personality types: Lion, Otter, Beaver, and Golden Retriever. It’s a quick and easy little test and the word pictures are something with which people can quickly identify.

While we all have certain dimensions of every personality type, according to the Trent-Smalley test I’m predominately a Golden Retriever. Here are three traits of a Golden Retriever personality I’m proud of:

Deep Relationships: When it comes to relationships, I like to go deep. Some people may be able to survive having a million relationships that are an inch deep, but I require a small handful of relationships that mine the depth of each other’s hearts and lives. I like it that way because it is relationship in the deepest, truest sense of knowing and being known. It is intimate and life-giving for both participants.

Patient: Living in community with others requires generous doses of patience. As a spouse and as a parent I’m glad that my personality comes with a natural sense of patience. I often see conflict and relational damage done by jumping to conclusions and flying off the handle with one another. I like to look back and see how patience with others has allowed the other person to experience, grow and mature in a natural, organic way in God’s time without the entanglement of my impatient pushing, pleading, and critical cajoling.

Good listener: I like that others find me to be a good listener, and I’m often amazed at what complete strangers will tell me within just a few minutes of meeting them. While at times it’s disconcerting, I feel blessed that others trust me to be a confidant to both their joys and their trials.

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Random Thoughts, Wayfarer's Journal

Day 11: Your Current Relationship

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30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 11: Your Current Relationship

I get the feeling that this set of blogging questions was written by a young person. There’s sort of a preconceived notion that significant relationships are a busy, revolving door.  But, I guess they do call it a blogging “challenge.”

I’ve already shared much in this 30 day challenge about my wife, and so with today’s question I’m focused more on our relationship and our marriage. I believe that in many ways we are a lot like every other married couple. Wendy gets cranky with my “dude-ness” as I leave messes behind, leave dishes on the counter, and get myopically focused on what I’m thinking about to the exclusion of anything and anyone else in the room. I am often frustrated with a dizzying plethora of female preferences and expectations regarding every facet of life in the house. Then there’s the personality differences with which every couple must struggle.

Anyone who knows us will testify that Wendy is demonstrative with her emotions. She is never one to avoid a conflict when there’s something irritating her. I, on the other hand, am easy going and never one to jump into conflict when there’s a way I can avoid it to see if it will just go away. You get the picture. And despite the differences in our personalities there is a reciprocal positive effect that we have on one another. Wendy teaches me how to be more honest and forthright with my feelings as I help her understand that the first emotionally explosive reaction to something is not always the most accurate nor helpful to the situation.

Those are the daily realities of living together with our flawed and self-centered humanity. Nevertheless, those irritations pale in comparison to the love we share and the joy of walking the journey together. As I mentioned the other day, we are together all the time. We work together out of our home offices and we enjoy the same activities. We are together more than almost any couple our age that I know, and I can’t imagine living life any other way. It feels strange when I’m away from the home office for a day of client meetings. I can’t imagine of better, more complimentary companion. Theatre, movies, books, art, conversation, music, company, dance, wine, Cubs and Vikings. We share and enjoy so many things in life together.

Blessed.

Wayfarer's Journal

Day 6: The Person You Like & Why You Like Them

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My love

30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 6: The person you like and why you like them.

Okay, I’ve struggled with this question for a day because it seems so similar to the other day’s challenge question regarding the kind of person who attracts you. Plus, the question is singular, while the number of persons I like is plural. I believe I’ve been overthinking this one. So, after a day of fairly minimal contemplation, I’m going to go with the person who popped into my mind first when I read the question, which is [shocking] my wife, Wendy.

I’ve already blogged about what attracts me physically, but what are the deeper things that make me like my wife? Here’s the short list:

  • She is full of life
  • She feels passionately (includes both the positive and negative)
  • She is a beautifully sensual person
  • She is honest and up-front with people; You never have to wonder where you stand with her
  • She is wise beyond her years
  • She enjoys watching the Cubs and Vikings with me
  • She is an amazing actor/director/producer and we are great partners both on stage and backstage
  • We love many of the same things and can have long, meaningful conversations about them because…
  • She’s a great conversationalist
  • She makes great cheesecake
  • Beneath what some may perceive to be a bristly exterior (see the bullet about feeling passionately) lies a heart that is among the most generous, compassionate and gracious I’ve ever known
  • I can live with her, work with her, rest with her, play with her, and sleep with her 24/7/365 and never tire of her presence or company
  • She loves me extremely well
  • Then there are reasons I like her which I’ll keep private and between us, thank you very much 😉
Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Numbers 4

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Open door at Hidcote Manor
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And that’s the story of their numbering, as God commanded Moses. Numbers 4:49 (MSG)

I deal with numbers every day. When it comes to serving customers, businesses  do a lot of number crunching. How many calls come in? How many calls per agent? How many agents can handle certain scenarios. How many seconds does the average conversation take? What is the cost per minute per interaction?

It’s no wonder that those tasked with actually talking to customers tend to dehumanize and depersonalize the people they serve. The disembodied voice in their ear is just a another “call.” That voice is call number 43 for the day.

How easy it is to feel like an impersonal number in today’s world. We become one of a faceless throng at work, at church, and in our communities. And now, thanks to digital technology, we are increasingly sitting alone in our homes to become disembodied pieces of pixelated text in our social networks. What effect is this having on me? My loved ones? My church? My community?

I’m reminded this morning that the climactic event in God’s story is when “the Word [Jesus] became flesh and blood and moved into the neighborhood.” When God sent his Son into the world to become the ultimate sacrifice for my moral failure, it was an intensely personal, flesh-and-blood act of love. In light of that act, Jesus’ invitation to each of us is not that we sign-up for a number to get into heaven and then stand in queue. His desire is that we each invite Him inside our heart and home to engage in an everlasting, interpersonal dinner conversation:

“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you.”  (Revelation 3:20)

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