Tag Archives: Shame

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Luke 22

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Miniature from Chludov Psalter. Saint Peter an...
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At that very moment, the last word hardly off [Peter’s] lips, a rooster crowed. Just then, the Master turned and looked at Peter. Luke 22:61 (MSG)

As a child you come to know “the look.” As a parent you naturally learn to give it. “The look” is the most powerful tool of silent and deserved verdict. No words are necessary; No pious lectures required. You are caught red handed and you know it. You stand naked and alone in your shame. You are guilty as charged yet no one need utter the word.

There is just the look, and the unspoken truth of my own actions inscribes itself on my soul.

“I’ve disappointed the ones I care about.”
“I blew it.”
“I failed God, myself, and others I loved.”
“Sinner. Liar. Oathbreaker.”
“Unworthy.”
“Untrusting.”
“Unbelieving.”
“Prodigal.”

A picture may paint a thousand words, but ‘the look’ pierces the heart with ten thousand in a second. I would much rather have the angry diatribe. Scream at me. Yell at me. Give me the lecture. Just stop looking at me like that.

With one look, I feel the entire weight of my guilt and shame.

With that look, I find myself at the crossroads.

Which way will I turn?

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Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Isaiah 58

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It's a puzzle. This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
   to break the chains of injustice,
   get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
   free the oppressed,
   cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
   sharing your food with the hungry,
   inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
   putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
   being available to your own families. Isaiah 58:6-7 (MSG)

A friend and counselor once asked me to give a name to my pain. He asked me to define and to tag that deep, nagging ache in my spirit that never seems to go away and tends to motivate poor behaviors and choices. The name I gave to my soul pain is "Not Enough."

Not big enough.
Not old enough.
Not athletic enough.
Not good enough.
Not pure enough.
Not attractive enough.
Not strong enough.
Not man enough.

I read today's chapter.

Not giving enough.
Not  gracious enough.
Not loving enough.
Not available enough.

My soul aches this morning.

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Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Isaiah 48

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Sleep better. "There is no peace," says God, "for the wicked." Isaiah 48:22 (MSG)

The pizza joint was packed after a high school basketball gang and I was there with a bunch of my friends. I was the youngest of the group of teen boys. It was loud. It was smokey (you could smoke anywhere in public in those days), and it was extremely busy with teenagers and families celebrating the basketball team's victory.

I don't remember there being any discussion. In the midst of the din, the eldest of my group of friends looked around and said "Let's go." We got up and followed him out of the restaurant without paying the check. I still remember the look on his face and his laughter as the group reveled in pulling one over on the restaurant. We all laughed as we sprinted towards my friend's house, but underneath the laughter my conscience had already kicked in.

I remember hating that night. Guilt and shame have a way of magnifying paranoia, anxiety and fear to ridiculously huge proportions. I spent the night at my friends house in utter fear of police raiding the house and hauling me off to jail. I can still remember the panic in my head each time I heard a police siren in the distance.

There is no peace for the wicked.

It was about four years later that I stopped by the pizza joint after school and asked to speak with the manager. I still remember his confused expression as I explained what I'd done and handed him money from my paycheck to cover the old debt, and then some. The look on his face told me he thought I was crazy. I'm sure people walk out on checks regularly, especially teenagers, and it's all part of the daily routine of the restaurant business. Looking back now, 30 years later, I laugh at the silliness of it myself. But it taught me a good lesson.

Do the right thing. You sleep better.

Creative Commons photo courtesy of Flickr and drakeguan

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Isaiah 40

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Remembered no more. "Comfort, oh comfort my people," says your God. "Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem, but also make it very clear That she has served her sentence, that her sin is taken care of—forgiven! She's been punished enough and more than enough, and now it's over and done with." Isaiah 40:1-2 (MSG)

As a kid, I was in trouble plenty of times. I was grounded, spanked, put in time out, sent to bed, had my allowance garnished, and had my mouth washed out with soap. Yet, with all of that, my parents did not hold my sins against me. There were no grudges held. My parents continued to believe the best in me and, once the punishment for my infraction was complete, I was never reminded of my sins. In fact, to this day I will occasionally ask my parents if they remember when I did this or that naughty thing. Usually they just laugh and shake their heads. They have no recollection.

That's what is awesome about being in reltionship with Christ. Even though God is all-knowing and could remember every heinous detail of our sins, He chooses to forget them. When Jesus died on the cross for our sins, the blood of His punishment covered all of us. The punishment was complete. It's over and done. When we place our faith in Christ, we are covered by that ultimate sacrificial act of love. Softly and tenderly, God calls us home to receive His blessing instead of His curses, just ike the Prodigal Son.

I catch myself, on occasion, remembering my own sins and choosing to project God's punishment and disappointment on myself. I think I need to imagine God's quizzical look (much like my Earthly parents when I ask them if they remember this or that naughty act). I need to see God scratching his head and saying, "I don't remember that at all."

Creative Commons photo courtesy of Flickr and [ henning ]

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Isaiah 20

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Shocked! God told Isaiah son of Amoz, "Go, take off your clothes and sandals," and Isaiah did it, going about naked and barefooted. Isaiah 20:2 (MSG)

Picture it yourself. Isaiah, the man of God, naked and barefoot walking through the streets of Jerusalem. People's eyes growing wide as they came upon him. Women screaming and quickly looking the other way so they don't have to look at his pasty white butt. People quickly crossing the street to avoid him. Men standing outside the local pub jeering at him. Good church-going religious people screaming insults and picking up stones to throw at him to punish his despicable act of public indecency.

Scandalous.
Preposterous.
Shameful.

"Quick! Hide the children's eyes!"

Imagine the talk at the dinner table that night.

"Who does he think he is? He calls himself a prophet? A man of God would never do that! God wouldn't ask someone to do something like that!"

"He's crazy, I tell you. Completely insane. I've always said that Isaiah was a few bricks shy of a full load."

"I'm telling you right now, we're going to the temple tomorrow and having a talk with the high priest. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Either that crack-pot, Isaiah, gets thrown out of the temple for good or I'm not going to give one more shekel to the Temple renovation project!"

Yes, God told him to do it. God is a God of metaphor and the prophets were his mouthpiece. The people refused to heed God's words, so God told Isaiah to give the good religious people of Jerusalem a word picture they could not ignore.

The more I study God's Message the more I conclude that God is not as concerned about social propriety as many of the people who claim to be His most faithful followers. God is much more concerned with our sincere and active love - our honest and humble obedience than he is about our propriety and public image.

Creative Commons photo courtesy of Flickr and dieselbug2007

Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Judges 6

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I'm not listening. Gideon said to him, "Me, my master? How and with what could I ever save Israel? Look at me. My clan's the weakest in Manasseh and I'm the runt of the litter." Judges 6:15 (MSG)

Consider, for a moment, some of the "heroes" of God's story:

  • Jacob: the younger son, a deceiver, becomes the father of the twelve tribes of Israel.
  • Joseph: the youngest of Jacob's sons, became the most powerful man in Egypt and saved the nation.
  • Moses: an orphan and a murderer on the lam (with speech impediment to boot) leads Israel out of bondage and delivers God's law.
  • Deborah: a woman leads Israel in a time when women had about as much social standing as livestock.
  • Gideon: the "run of the litter" leads Israel to defeat the Midianites.
  • David: the youngest, smallest son of Jesse becomes the greatest King of Israel, through whom Jesus would be born. All this despite being an adulterer and murder.
  • Solomon: the youngest son of David, born out of a scandalous marriage to Bathsheba, becomes the most powerful king in Israel's history.
  • Mary: a young girl with no social standing, becomes the mother of Jesus.
  • Jesus disciples: an eclectic, rag-tag group of uneducated misfits would turn the world upside down sharing the good news of Jesus.
  • Paul: a murderer and persecutor of Christians becomes the most influential follower and apostle of Jesus.

Anyone see a pattern?

As human beings, I've noticed that we are quick to believe the most negative things about ourselves. "God would never use me. I'm not sure God even loves me. I could never to anything worthwhile for God. I'm too…worthless, sinful, ugly, small, fat, dumb, short, stupid, dirty, weak, sick, poor, young, old, sinful, untalented, unknown, unlucky, unimportant, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."

Look at the list again. 

Join the club.

Creative Commons photo courtesy of Flickr and Ashley Rose


Chapter-a-Day

Chapter-a-Day Psalm 130

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A long list on the balance sheet. If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and that's why you're worshiped. Psalm 130:3-4 (MSG)

Part of my job is analyzing phone calls that people take as part of their Customer Service job, and then coaching them on how they can improve (a la "your call may be monitored to ensure quality service"). When I go into the coaching sessions, I never cease to be amazed at how hard people are on themselves. It's rare that I have to convince somebody they can do a better job. Most often, people criticize their own performance far more mercilessly than I ever would. Most of us are hurtfully self-critical.

I've discovered the same thing to be true when talking to people about their faith journey. Many of us, deep down, are so convinced that the balance sheet of wrong doings to good deeds is so heavily weighted towards the wrong doings that we're convinced God wants nothing to do with us. "You don't know what I've done," is a phrase I've heard a time or two. I've uttered it a few times myself.

On one hand, our natural inclination is correct. If God judged us based on our balance sheet, not one of us would stand a chance. However, when God's message tells us about Jesus dying for our sins, it simply means that He paid the price for our wrong doings. If you will believe Him, God makes a habit of tearing out the negative side of our balance sheet and tossing it in the incinerator.

I'm sure he's surprised when we keep bringing up the subject.

Creative Commons photo courtesy of Flickr and Alpha_Delta20