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Chapter-a-Day

A Matter of Respect

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Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.
1 Peter 2:17 (NIV)

A few weeks ago I ran into a person whom I’d not seen in quite a while. I confess that I don’t particularly get along with this person, and this person has made it very clear that they  don’t like me. I’m glad you are not privy to the spiteful thoughts and vengeful desires that welled up inside me when I  ran into them. The actions  of this person that I’ve witnessed over the years have been deceptive and have stirred up trouble in ways that have been destructive to community and relationships that I care about. The words of this person have been false and deceitful. The foolish behavior of this person has been mischievous and self-seeking.

Nevertheless, when I ran into this person in a public place amidst a crowd of people I smiled and addressed them respectfully. We had a brief interchange and I chose to keep my affect respectfully positive and my conversation respectfully benign.

I observe that the polarization of political and cultural thought in America has led to what I deem a general erosion of respect. I remember a time when  politicians, even bitter rivals, continued to treat one another with respect. Now I witness politicians who choose to be publicly disrespectful, malicious, and insulting to their opponents in order to maintain the support of extreme factions within their respective parties. I grew up being taught that freedom of thought, education, speech, religion, and the press came with the societal expectation of respectful public debate and discourse. Now I observe university campuses reduced to destructive chaos and physical assault on those who do not march lock-step with their particular beliefs and opinions.

Perhaps that’s why Peter’s simple command jumped off the page at me this morning: “Show proper respect to everyone.”

I believe I need to treat others with respect because we are all members of the human family descended from the same mother.

I believe I need to treat others with respect because we are all imperfect people in need of forgiveness and grace.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because I am constantly growing and needing the grace of others. I have to extend grace to others who are in process as well.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because it affords the best opportunity for strained relationships to find some kind of mutual understanding, reconciliation and redemption.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because the path of disrespect is harmful both to myself, other individuals, community, and humanity.

I believe I need to treat people with respect because it’s the way of Jesus, and as a follower I’m compelled to adopt His teaching and example.

This morning I’m thinking about the simple act of being respectful to others. A few weeks ago when I respectfully addressed my deceptive and foolish acquaintance I knew that I couldn’t control their reaction to me in the moment nor their continued words or actions. I can’t control others. I can’t control our current culture. I can only control myself.

I’m going to continue to pursue the path of being respectful. Who knows. Perhaps it will go viral.

Chapter-a-Day

“Holy Huddle”

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I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.
1 Corinthians 5:9-10 (NIV)

For my entire life’s journey I have belonged to a local church. I’ve actually belonged to many churches of different sizes and denominational affiliations. One of the patterns of behavior I have noticed among believers is referred to by some as “the holy huddle.”

The “holy huddle” is a group of Jesus’ followers who huddle together in life to the general exclusion of anyone else. The huddle worships together, socializes with one another, spends free time together, gathers on holidays, vacations together, and pretty much keep to themselves.

I have, at different times of life, been part of holy huddles. I get the allure of it and understand why it’s easy to fall comfortably into the pattern. We all like socializing with people with whom we share common thoughts, opinions, and socio-economic status. Followers of Jesus also tend to desire the avoidance of both temptation and conflict. As a young man, hanging out almost exclusively with members of my youth group meant being around an environment of positive peer pressure. That’s not a bad thing.

I’m reminded this morning, however, that the “holy huddle” was never God’s paradigm. Yes, those who follow Jesus are encouraged to meet together regularly. Yes, we need to be in relationship with our fellow believers to encourage, comfort, confess, and build one another up. This is not, however, to the exclusion of those outside our spiritual sphere.

In today’s chapter, Paul makes a very clear distinction that is important for any of us who follow Jesus. When Paul had told the believers in the city of Corinth that they were not to associate with immoral people, he was not talking about non-believers in their community. He was referring specifically to those individuals in their local gathering who claimed to follow Jesus but also considered God’s forgiveness as a license for doing whatever they wanted. These people boasted that they could do whatever they wanted morally because Jesus’ forgiveness covered it all, and they encouraged others to join them in their “freedom.”

This morning I’m reminded that I can’t make a difference in my world if I’m not living in it and fostering relationship with those who are not in my holy huddle. Jesus washed His followers feet and encouraged them to do the same. The word picture is both clear and powerful: “Your whole body is clean,” Jesus said, “but your feet get dirty when you’re out walking in a dusty, dirty world. So, you’ll need to wash each other’s feet on occasion.”

My feet will never be dirty if I confine my journey within the “purity” of my holy huddle.

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Chapter-a-Day, Uncategorized

Time to Grow Up

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“…so that you may not be mixed with these nations left here among you, or make mention of the names of their gods, or swear by them, or serve them, or bow yourselves down to them, but hold fast to the Lord your God, as you have done to this day.”
Joshua 22:7-8 (NRSV)

There are different stages in life. What may be good and appropriate for one stage of life may change and evolve as we grow and mature. This is natural. It is a part of the journey. It is how God designed it.

When I was a child there were boys that my parents did not want me hanging out with. My parents saw that they had different values. They were older. There was every possibility that they would have drawn me into trouble. My parents didn’t say these were “bad” kids. They simply told me to steer clear.

As I got older my parents stopped warning me about people. They sent me off to work, to college, to the mission field, and to the broader world. They wanted me to explore, to meet people, to learn, to grow, and to influence the world around me. They trusted me to be wise and discerning regarding my relationships.

I have come to believe that the relationship between God and man in history parallels the stages of human life. In today’s chapter, humanity is in its early childhood years. The people of God have become aware of their place in the world. They are learning about interacting with others. Their heavenly father warns them to steer clear of those who might have an unhealthy influence on them. Just like my parents did at that age.

Along life’s road I’ve known many followers of Jesus who still cling to this early childhood attitude of fear and suspicion towards others. They insulate themselves from their neighbors. They fear contact with others who are not like them and who don’t believe the same ways. It is as if they fear contamination should they associate with anyone who is not a part of their insular church family. They might even use Joshua’s words in today’s chapter to justify it.

Jesus’ death and resurrection was a rite of passage in the relationship between God and man. It was relational graduation into adulthood of sorts. Holy Spirit was poured out into the hearts and lives of those who believe. Jesus now sent His followers out into the world. No more hanging with the homeys behind locked doors. No more keeping to yourself. Jesus said, “Go….” Heavenly Father was kicking His children out of the nest. You’re old enough. You’re wise enough. I’ve prepared you and equipped you and it’s time for you to get out there an influence your world.

Today, I’m thinking about stages of life. There was a time when I was a child and I needed to be wary of others influencing me. Now I’m a man, and if I still live with that fear then there’s something that has short circuited in the maturation process. As Paul wrote to the followers of Jesus in the city of Corinth: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.”

At some point, it’s time for every one of us to grow up, go out into the world into strange places among people who are new to us and influence those we meet with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.

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featured image: shenamt via Flickr

Chapter-a-Day

Creative False Narratives

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“No! We did it from fear that in time to come your children might say to our children, ‘What have you to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? For the Lord has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you, you Reubenites and Gadites; you have no portion in the Lord.’ So your children might make our children cease to worship the Lord.”
Joshua 22:24-25 (NRSV)

Along life’s journey I have repeatedly encountered situations in which others have chosen to believe things about me or my intentions that were far askew from reality. Misreading a word, an action, or my intentions led someone to create a narrative in their head about what I desired, felt, or intended. Their narrative, created out of fear, ignorance, or personal insecurity led to accusation, conflict, and relational distance. As I sit here in the quiet I can feel the scars of several specific examples on my soul.

If I am honest with myself, I must confess that I have created similar narratives in my own head about others. I am not merely a victim of this phenomenon. I am a perpetrator, too.

Conflicts often arise out of misunderstandings. In today’s chapter we find a story about this type of misconception between the tribes of Israel. The tribes of Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh had been given land on the west side of the Jordan River prior to Israel’s conquest of  Canaan, but with the caveat that they must cross the Jordan with the rest of the tribes and assist in the conquest. With the conquest over, they were released to return back over the Jordan to the lands they’d been promised.

Without saying a word to their kindred, the three tribes secretly harbored fear that in time their fellow tribes would turn against them. The Jordan River had become an important boundary line, and the people of Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh feared that they would eventually be branded outcasts for living on the west side of the river. They created a narrative in their minds in which the other tribes rejected them and treated them like foreigners. This led them to the build an altar as a symbol of their devotion to God and their connection to the other tribes.

Without having actually communicated their fears, the building of the altar was misunderstood by the remaining tribes east of the Jordan. It was the remaining tribes turn to create a false narrative in their minds in which Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh were abandoning their faith and tradition. The altar was misconstrued as an attempt to abandon God and start their own religious system. Whipped into a frenzy by their misperceptions, they gathered for war against their kindred.

As things were about to turn into a bloody civil war, the three western tribes confessed their fears and their intentions in building the altar. The crisis was averted at the last minute by the two sides communicating with one another, coming to a mutual understanding of each other’s intentions, and reuniting in mutual respect for each other.

Today, I’m thinking about the many ways I project onto others what I believe that person desires, thinks, feels and intends without any conversation or inquiry with that person. I confess that conflicts and misunderstandings arise out of my own fears and insecurities. I create false narratives about others that are really reflections of my own weaknesses. And, I suffer from when others do the same with me.

God, grant me the honesty to perceive when I am jumping to conclusions that are born out of my own fear and shame. Grant me the courage to speak with others rather than about them, to address misunderstandings before they become conflicts – both in my relationships with others and with You.

So be it. Yes. Word. Amen.

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Chapter-a-Day

“Give Me Land, Lots of Land…”

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So they finished dividing the land.
Joshua 19:51 (NRSV)

When I was in college I took a semester off and worked as an abstractor. It was tedious, monotonous work. In the morning a stack of property abstracts sat on my desk in the Polk County Office Building. One by one I would walk a legal history of property around the Recorder’s Office checking various land and tax records for buyers, sellers, and the property itself to make sure that the abstract was accurate and no one was trying to pull something (on at least one occasion, I caught people attempting to do just that).

That semester my acquaintance with property records and their arcane legal descriptions gave me an appreciation for the value and importance we humans place on land.

“Give me land, lots of land, with the starry sky above!”

I finished my college career and a few years later found myself leading a congregation in a small Iowa farm town of 300. As a city boy, this was my first real exposure to the way farming exists for so many in my home state: legacy, business, family, inheritance, and life. It is hard to appreciate just how inseparable people become with the land they and their family possess.

Every Sunday there two old farmers who sat in the back pews as far away from one another as possible. The two had a long standing dispute over a boundary line and fence between their adjacent properties. They never spoke to one another.

As I read through today’s chapter, which is basically an ancient abstract, I had all sorts of thoughts about land and the value we place on it. The property descriptions laid out in these chapters are so black and white, but you have to believe that there are all sorts of stories and emotions that the book of Joshua does not record. Families feeling cheated that another tribe got more land. A tribe thinking they should have such and such a village, river, well, forest amidst their property. Tribes disputing exactly how to interpret what it meant that the boundary “touched Tabor.” In time, these tribes would end up in a bloody civil war. How much bad blood was rooted in resentments hidden in these property descriptions.

This morning I’m thinking about God’s original admonishment that we should “subdue” the earth, and how we may have misinterpreted His intent. History teaches me that we’re really good at misinterpreting things. I’m thinking about Jesus who owned so little and encouraged his followers to hold on loosely to the things of this earth (including, I imagine, the earth itself). I’m thinking about Iowans intimate relationship with the land from which we make our livings and feed the world. I’m pondering the ways that possessions, including that same land, can end up coming before and between relationships.

I’m happy not to be an abstractor.

Chapter-a-Day

For Your Consideration

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Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

It’s when I’m hungry and ready to eat that I seem to be most consistently inconsiderate. It’ usually about half-way into my sandwich or meal prep that Wendy looks across the island.

Wendy: “Did you get a plate out for me?”

Tom: Uh…[he stares blankly in shame at her]

It would be really easy for me to make some lame excuse about a man being driven by his stomach. The excuse conveniently pops to mind and sits waiting on my frontal lobe waiting for me make its argument. It would be inappropriate to do so. I was simply inconsiderate of what Wendy was doing in that moment, if Wendy was hungry, what Wendy planned to eat, and if Wendy might also need a plate.

Believe me, this example is just the convenient tip of the iceberg. I have plenty more patterns of inconsideration that I could reference. I am honestly ashamed at just how self-centered I am.

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned being a work in progress, and I meant it. I am literally and actively working on my personal and interpersonal development on an on-going basis. One of my big goals of late has been to work on being more considerate of others, and I’ve been really focused on the word consider-ate. I’m finding that, with me, it takes discipline to proactively set aside my “want” of the moment to consider others persons, thinking about what they need, what they desire, what I can do to help them. It then takes initiative to act on it.

Today, I continue my desire to consider the needs of others ahead of my own silly whim or fleshly appetite of the moment. I’m once again taking a moment to consider the example of Jesus, who considered my spiritual need of salvation as more important than His comfortable position in heaven, and considerately came to die in my place. Please forgive my not being a better and more grateful, tangible reflection of that kind of consideration.

I’m working on it.

 

photo:  tjgehling via  Flickr

Chapter-a-Day

To Tell the Truth

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source: Ashley Rosex via Flickr
source: Ashley Rosex via Flickr

“as long as I have life within me,
    the breath of God in my nostrils,
my lips will not say anything wicked,
    and my tongue will not utter lies.”
Job 27:3-4 (NIV)

I am what is known in general and colloquial psychological terms as a pleaser. It’s always been my nature to desire relational peace with others and to want others to “be pleased” with me. Like all personality bents, being a pleaser has both its strengths and corollary struggles. On the plus side, I tend to be amiable and easy to get along with. I’m not usually given to strong public reaction, rather holding my emotions in check until I can process and thoughtfully respond. I’m generally diplomatic and tend to be sensitive to all sides in a conflict. The downside is that I will sometimes stuff my emotions until they begin eating away at my soul like corrosive acid. I respond to others in the way that will make them happy rather than responding in a way that is true in expressing what I really think, feel, and believe. Throughout my life journey I have been guilty of suppressing and submitting my own thoughts, will, and emotions to the thoughts, will, and emotions of others in order to please and placate. For the record, that that never turns out well¹.

Interestingly enough, I am married to a woman who lies at the opposite end of the personality spectrum. “Holding emotions in check” and “suppressing strong reactions” are not apt descriptors for Wendy, but “emotionally expressive” and “forthright honesty” definitely hit the mark. This, of course, makes for some really interesting conversational choreography when it comes to conflict in our house, but we’ve learned a few steps from one another which has ultimately made us better relational dance partners.

So it is that I really appreciated reading Job’s honesty in today’s chapter. Job reveals the same qualities that I admire and appreciate in Wendy. He will not suppress, submit his thoughts and emotions to please or placate his wife or three friends. He is compelled to be honest and true in expressing his thought and emotion, realizing that it would actually be wicked of him to be dishonest about his anger and frustration with God. It would be a lie to plead guilty to some heinous sin that precipitated his suffering. It would be untrue to say that he’s okay with his lot when he honestly feels that his suffering and circumstances are utterly unjust.

This morning I’m realizing that, if I were in Job’s sandals, I would be tempted just to say to my friends, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks for setting me straight, guys.” I admire Job’s honesty. It challenges me. I appreciate his willingness to tell the truth about what he really thinks and feels, even though it’s not what the others want to hear. That’s a trait that this pleaser has been striving to develop over time.

I think I’ve made progress. I’ve got a good coach! 🙂

 

¹See exhibit A: the divorce decree.

Chapter-a-Day

Learning to Please

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Celebrating Wendy's Birthday with the VLs at the Lyric Opera
Celebrating Wendy’s Birthday with the VLs at the Lyric Opera

…and find out what pleases the Lord. Ephesians 5:10 (NIV)

In many ways, Wendy and I are the epitome of the adage “opposites attract.” Several months ago, prompted by Taylor, our entire family took the Enneagram personality test on-line. Since that time we’ve often found ourselves in family conversations about how we are alike and how we are different. According to the test (and validated by loved ones) I am a #4 (Individualist) and Wendy is a #8 (Challenger).

While visiting a few weeks ago Taylor mentioned that someone had told her that 4s and 8s “should never get married” to which Taylor laughed thinking of Wendy and me. The truth is, there are challenges with almost any mixture of people and personality types. Part of being married is learning where there are gaps of communication, expectation and choosing to meet the other where they are at.

The first year of marriage, I made the mistake of being thought-less and inconsiderate about Wendy’s birthday. In my family, birthdays are never a big deal – but I’ve learned with my wife and with my friends that others view birthdays as a much bigger deal than I do. I’ve had to regularly retrain my thinking to realize how important it is for others in my life. I’ve learned that it pleases Wendy when I’m prepared for the birthday-Christmas-wedding anniversary trifecta that descends on us every December 21-31.

I was struck this morning by the little verse (above) that’s crammed into a chapter filled with meaty teaching about life and relationships. Having been reminded of my need to be more considerate of what pleases other key relationships in my life, I am now reminded to apply the same principle to God. How often am I thoughtless and inconsiderate of what pleases God? If I am motivated to change my thought patterns and behaviors in a way that shows love in a way pleasing to my wife and friends, wouldn’t I also be willing to learn what pleases my Creator?

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Chapter-a-Day

With Nobody Else But Me

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Isaac Newton apple tree, Babson College, 231 F...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
    is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
    and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
Song of Solomon 2:2 (NIV)

I am reminded this morning of two relationships in my past. In each relationship, the young woman whose affections I was courting would regularly talk about other guys. It was either young men they had dated previously or I else I would realize that there was a guy that she always seemed to talking about in random discussions. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. In each of these relationships I soon began to feel diminished. No matter how much time and attention they gave me, I realized that these young ladies’ hearts and true affections were focused elsewhere.

How interesting that the young women in Solomon’s lovers’ duet speaks of her man as a fruitful apple tree in the middle of the forest. She sees the tree for the forest. I also find another hint of the original paradise in Eden. While the story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis does not specifically state that the tree of forbidden fruit was an apple tree, art and tradition always depicts it as an apple. The picture here is of exclusivity. To her he is the one tree that stands out.  She delights in the shade under his limbs and tastes the sweetness of his fruit. Once again, the metaphors are layered with meaning both spiritual and sexual.

Very early in our relationship, Wendy and I were walking on the street and she suddenly saw a man with whom she had once been in relationship. She asked me to wait for her for a moment and I watched as she spoke briefly and directly to the man. She returned to explain to me that she felt it necessary to tell the man that in no uncertain terms what was in the past between them was in the past. She did not want to hear from him and she would not talk to him again. I felt honored in that moment, and it’s something I have never forgotten. In contrast to the previous relationships I described, in which I constantly felt diminished, I suddenly felt infused with sudden strength. I felt Wendy leaving the forest to settle in under the shade of my boughs.

Be mindful and wary of misplaced and competing affections and appetites.

Speaking of songs, I am also reminded this morning of the lyrics to an old Andrews Sisters song from WWII (don’t ask me how I know, my brain works in mysterious ways!):

Don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me, 
Anyone else but me, anyone else but me, NO NO NO! 
Don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me 
Till I come marching home.

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Chapter-a-Day

How I Run Today Determines How I Finish the Race

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Four ThingsFor my life is full of troubles,
    and death draws near.
Psalm 88:3 (NLT)

Over this past year, Wendy and I had the privilege of participating in a local service project through Union Street Players and the Pella Shakespeare Festival to record an audiobook for our local hospice. The book we made into an audiobook (with permission of the author and publisher, of course) is The Four Things That Matter Most by Dr. Ira Byock. Our local hospice gives a copy to all patients and their families, but most Hospice patients are not able to read, so the audio book was needed. In the book, Dr. Byock shares the four things that everyone should say and hear before dying:

  • “Please forgive me.”
  • “I forgive you.”
  • “Thank you.”
  • “I love you.”

I thought of “The Four Things” this morning as I read Heman’s lyrics in Psalm 88. The ancient song powerfully describes a person who is facing death and feeling the pain, anxiety and fear that accompanies it. Those who work in Hospice and palliative care like Dr. Byock can tell you about the spiritual and emotional pain experienced by those who are facing death and have unfinished business with loved ones. There is a writhing of spirit that can easily overshadow any physical pain the person may be feeling.

This morning I am reminded that how I end this life journey depends largely on how I handle my most important relationships today. I don’t want to hobble to the finish line in relational pain, emotional anxiety and fear. I want to finish strong surrounded by and taking comfort in loved ones with whom I’ve shared the sojourn. That will only happen if I take care of unfinished relational business today and not leave it for tomorrow.