Tag Archives: Amnon

“Everyone Has Their Shit”

May 23, 2024 Tom Vander Well 1 Comment

All these were the sons of David, besides his sons by his concubines. And Tamar was their sister.
1 Chronicles 3:9 (NIV)

Wendy and I created the lower level of our home with a British theme including a small bar that’s our homage to a British Pub. Add in all of the memorabilia from our years in theatre, and I’d like to imagine it would be at home in London’s West End. Next to the bar is a portrait of Scotland’s Robert the Bruce. In the adjoining guest room, you’ll find portraits of some of the more famous kings and queens of Britain. It’s something we’ve had a lot of fun with.

Royalty is a funny thing. Most of the European nations still acknowledge their royal families and lines of succession though they have no real political power. It’s amazing how the Royal family of Great Britain continues to attract such worldwide fascination. The travails of Harry and Megan over the past few years are a glaring case in point.

For our ancient Chronicler and all of the Hebrew people who returned from exile, it is no different. For over half a millennium their history and heritage were intertwined with the royal family and line of succession, the line of King David.

We’re in our third chapter of the Chronicler’s laying out of the historical genealogies of the Hebrew people. Get ready. There are six more chapters of it coming before we switch to the narrative. In today’s chapter, the focus is on the ever-important line of David. David was God’s appointed King and it was through David’s line that the prophets proclaimed a Messiah would be born. For the Chronicler and his people, the lineage of David was at the core of their history and identity.

Of course, anyone who’s watched Netflix’s wonderful series The Crown (which I highly recommend), knows that the story of Queen Elizabeth isn’t complete without the story of her wild sister, Margaret. Then there’s the tragedy of Diana, the whispers-turned-marriage to Camilla, and the bratty “spare” Prince Harry.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that one of the things I look for when reading through genealogies in the Great Story is something that is out of place. One of the things I mentioned is the mention of a woman amid all of the men. We find that in today’s chapter. The Chronicler lists all of the sons of David from his various wives and concubines. At the very end of the list, he adds “And Tamar was their sister.”

David certainly had plenty of daughters to go with the sons, but only one is mentioned. Without saying another word, the Chronicler has acknowledged to all of his contemporary readers what he knows they all talk about. He’s telling us “There is a story here.” Tamar was that daughter.

For those who may not know, or may have forgotten, Tamar fell in love with her half-brother Amnon who was also the first-born and heir to David’s throne. The heir to the throne ends up raping his younger half-sister and then completely shuns her and tosses her aside. David shoves the entire event under the proverbial rug, which only serves to plant a seed of rage within the heart of Absalom, his third-born son, and Tamar’s full-blood older brother. Absalom would eventually take out his other brothers like Michael Corleone taking out the heads of the five families at the end of The Godfather, and launch a coup to steal the throne from his father. All of this gets reduced to:

“And Tamar was their sister.”

In the quiet this morning, my mind wandered to a couple of conversations I’ve had in the past few weeks. In each case, I was speaking with individuals I have known for over 30 years. I first met each of these people when they were in high school, though there’s no relationship between the two. They are of different ages and from completely different places in life. The connection is that each of them is in the midst of unbelievably difficult circumstances concerning one of their children. The circumstances are completely different but each case is beyond anything I have personally encountered. I can hardly even imagine what these people are going through.

But you’d never know.

In one of these conversations, as I dug into the difficulties they were living with daily, my friend said, “You know, everyone has their shit. It just looks different. Yet, with each person, it’s their shit in their life and they are having to work through it and deal with it and learn from it.” And, this observation stuck with me. I’ve been chewing on it and meditating on the truth of it.

What my friend was getting at is that each person has their own messy, struggling, difficult, tragic, and even shameful story. We are fallen people living in a fallen world. Yet we project to strangers, acquaintances, friends, and even family that things are “normal” and “good.” Nothing to see here. “And Tamar was their sister.”

Over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself considering those with whom I interact. What is this person’s story? What are they dealing with in life about which I have no clue? The lady behind the counter has a company name tag that says, “Karen. I’m here to help.” It could just as easily say, “Tamar. I’m just the sister.”

I’m reminded of Jesus’ scandalous conversation with the Samaritan woman, a stranger who happened to come to draw water while He was sitting there. He ends up telling the woman, “You’ve been married five times, and you’ve not bothered to get married to the man you’re living with.” It’s easy to read that as subtle condemnation, but there’s no hint or evidence of Jesus condemning her in any way. I think it was really about Jesus saying “I see you. I see the story behind the ‘Hello, my name is Mara’ way in which you’re going about the daily chore of drawing water for you and your husband.”

I confess to you that God’s Spirit has long been working on me to be more considerate. Today’s chapter compels me to consider that every individual I interact with has more going on in life than I can possibly know, and respond accordingly.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

“If You Can’t Do the Time…”

October 14, 2022 Tom Vander Well 1 Comment

Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the people of Israel. 2 Samuel 15:6 (NIV)

Much like David, I made a mess of life and my first marriage when I was a young man. Those sins and mistakes are among the long laundry list of sins I have committed that God has graciously forgiven. There are still friends, however, who’ve never spoken to me since. Some I’ve reached out to, but they never reciprocated or returned my calls.

Being forgiven does not erase the fact that we must face the natural consequences of our actions. After being confronted by the prophet Nathan regarding his adultery with Bathsheba and subsequent conspiracy to commit murder, David showed great remorse and sought God’s forgiveness. The events, however, sewed seeds of scandal, anger, and resentment both inside David’s family and in the public among King David’s subjects. Part of Nathan’s prophetic word to David was that the sword would never depart David’s house as the consequences of David’s blind spots would bear bitter fruit.

David’s children knew their father’s weaknesses both as a father and as a king. David’s son Absalom witnessed first-hand King David’s turning a blind eye to the favored, eldest son Amnon’s rape of Absalom’s sister. The seeds of anger, bitterness, and vengeance have taken root in Absalom’s heart. In today’s chapter, Absalom masterfully exploits his father’s scandal and weakened poll numbers in a brilliantly planned and executed coup d’etat. David is forced to make hasty preparation to escape the city with his closest followers and arrange for spies to gather inside information regarding his renegade son and the rebel plot. David’s very own son had stolen his kingdom and was now reaching out to steal his crown.

David, on the run again just as he was as a young man fleeing from Saul, does what he always does. He cries out to God in song. It was during this episode that David, fleeing from his own son and the rebels seeking to usurp his kingdom that David wrote the lyrics to Psalm 3, a desperate plea for God to protect and deliver David and bless God’s people.

Lord, how many are my foes!
    How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me,
    “God will not deliver him.”

But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
    my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the Lord,
    and he answers me from his holy mountain.

I lie down and sleep;
    I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear though tens of thousands
    assail me on every side.

Arise, Lord!
    Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
    break the teeth of the wicked.

From the Lord comes deliverance.
    May your blessing be on your people.

In the quiet this morning, I am reminded of many mistakes I’ve made along the journey and their residual effect on relationships, circumstances, and perceptions. Jesus advised people to “count the cost” before agreeing to follow Him. The same advice might also be given when tempted to sin. There is a cost to wrong-doing and we are all wise to give consideration to the tragic consequences that quote arise in the wake of our poor choices. As the saying goes, “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”

A Note to Readers
I’m taking a blogging sabbatical and will be re-publishing my chapter-a-day thoughts on David’s continued story in 2 Samuel while I’m taking a little time off in order to focus on a few other priorities. Thanks for reading.
Today’s post was originally published in May 2014.

Today’s featured image was created with Wonder A.I.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Lament (and Parenting)

October 30, 2020 Tom Vander Well 1 Comment

If an enemy were insulting me,
    I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
    I could hide.
But it is you, a man like myself,
    my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
    at the house of God…
Psalm 55:12-14 (NIV)

Thus far, in my entire life journey, I discovered that the process of releasing my adult children on to their own respective paths of life to be one of the most surprisingly difficult things I’ve ever experienced. It’s not just about the loss of control and the fact that my child may choose paths unfitting my dreams, desires, and expectations. It’s also the experience of catching glimpses of my own weaknesses and shortcomings as a parent, and the useless wonderings of “What if I had only….”

The greatest challenge of David’s life was not the Bathsheba scandal which I talked about in the podcast on Psalm 51. Bathsheba gets top billing and is better known because it has all of the classic plot elements we love in a steamy Harlequin Romance. The greatest challenge of David’s life is lesser known, but I personally find it even more fascinating because it is more intimate and complex. Late in David’s life, he faces a coup de tête finds himself fleeing for his life, and almost loses his throne and his life to his very own son.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 13-19. Let me give you the Reader’s Digest condensed version. The seeds of the rebellion are in David’s own shortcomings as a father. Marriage and family looked very different for a monarch in ancient times. Not only was polygamy regularly practiced, but a monarch had the added layer of nations wanting to marry off daughters to other kings to establish diplomatic ties. David had eight wives, and at least 10 concubines. Which meant the palaces were teaming with princes and princesses who were half-brothers and half-sisters. Long story short, Prince Amnon had the hots for his sister, Princess Tamar. He rapes her, and then in his shame, he shuns Tamar and wants nothing to do with. He treated her like a prostitute. King David is furious according to the record, but he does nothing. He passively seems to ignore the whole thing.

Princess Tamar’s older brother is Prince Absalom, and Absalom bottles up his rage against his half-brother Amnon, who raped his sister, and against his father who did nothing to justly deal with Amnon. The seeds of Prince Absalom’s rage take root and grow into a plot to kill his brother and steal his father’s kingdom. He succeeds at the former, and nearly succeeds with the latter.

In the process of his scheming to steal his father’s throne, the Great Story records that Absalom spent a lot of time establishing allies among the rich, noble, and powerful people in the kingdom. Quietly, slowly he used his position and influence to create both debts and alliances so that when he pulled the trigger on his coup David had virtually no one supporting him.

We can’t be certain, but the lyrics of David’s song that we know as Psalm 55 seem as though they could very well have been penned during the time of Absalom’s rebellion. David expresses that Jerusalem is a boiling cauldron of deceit, treachery, and violence. He feels the sting of an unnamed “companion” who he thought was a friend and ally, but turns out to have sold him out. It is certainly reasonable to think that he’s referring to someone that Absalom convinced to aid in his rebellion.

Like many of David’s songs, Psalm 55 is a personal lament. He is pouring out all of his emotions from despair, hurt, anguish, fear, confusion, and the desire to fly away from all of his troubles. In the pouring out of his deepest emotions he also is reminded of how faithful God had always been and the song ends with a simple proclamation of his unwavering trust.

One of the fascinating threads in the story of Absalom’s rebellion is David’s unwavering love for Absalom. Despite the fratricide, the rebellion, and the attempt to destroy David and take everything that was his, David ordered his men to be gentle with Absalom. When he heard Absalom had been killed, David wept and mourned to the point that his own General called David out for humiliating all of the soldiers who had been loyal to him.

In the quiet this morning I find myself contemplating the complex relationship between parents and children, especially as children mature into their own selves and lives. The whole story of David and his children Amnon, Tamar, and Absalom is a hot mess. There is so much of the story that is not told. Nevertheless, it reminds me of the intense and infinite love a parent feels for a child no matter the differences, conflicts, or chasms that emerge in the relationship.

Once again, there is no concrete evidence to directly correlate Psalm 55 with the story of Absalom’s rebellion, nor is there concrete evidence to the contrary. Some mornings, I find that this is the way the chapter-a-day journey goes. The text connects me to one idea which leads down another path of thought, and I end up in an unintended destination of thought and Spirit. C’est lav ie.

Parenting is one of the grand adventures of this life journey. It has produced the greatest of joys and the deepest of sorrows. It has humbled me to my core, and has equipped Lady Sophia with some of the most powerful practicums for teaching me wisdom.

Chapter-a-Day

Blind Spots (and Parenting)

May 8, 2020 Tom Vander Well 2 Comments

I have the blessing this weekend of spending time with a friend and his son. It’s a rite-of-passage weekend. It is a time to empower, launch, and let go. Every parent has his or her blind spots, but I am so thankful for those who are willing to confess this, address it, and work to shed Light on the blind spots even after their children are launched. This post about King David’s parenting “blind spots” has had a lot of traffic in the five years since I first published it. I’m sowing it out there again today, and praying for good soil.

When King David heard of all these things, he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.
2 Samuel 13:21 (NSRV)

David was a great warrior, a great general, and a great leader of men. Evidence leads me to believe that he was not, however, a great husband or father. As we’ve read David’s story he has slowly been amassing wives like the spoils of war and the result was many children. But, an army of children do not an army make. A family system and the complex relationships between birth order and gender can be difficult enough for a monogamous, nuclear family. I can’t imagine the exponential complexities that emerge when you have eight wives, ten concubines and children with most all of them.

As I read through these chapters I’ve noticed that we never see David telling his children “no” nor do we see him discipline them for their behavior. David appears to have even had a reputation among his offspring of not refusing their requests. David’s daughter, Tamar, tells her half brother Amnon that if he simply asks Dad she’s sure he’ll let them get married. When Amnon rapes Tamar instead and then turns her away we hear of David’s anger, but he doesn’t do anything about disciplining his beloved firstborn son. When Tamar’s full brother Absalom plots to kill their half brother Amnon in revenge, Absalom goes to David and presses good ol’ dad until David relents and sends all the brothers on Absalom’s little fratricidal sheep-shearing retreat.

David has a blind spot. He can lead an army to endless victories but his record as leader of a family is a tragic string of failures and defeats.

I cannot point at David without three fingers pointing back at me. We all have our blind spots. Our greatest strengths have their corollary weaknesses. We cannot escape this reality, but we can escape being enslaved to it. What we can do is be honest about our blind spots. We can choose to shine a light on our time and attention to addressing them. We can surround ourselves with others who will graciously help us see them, work through them, and who will patiently love us as we do.

Today’s chapter seems perfectly timed as I’ve been made painfully aware of a blind spot in my life. If you’re reading this, and are a person who prays, please say a prayer for me as I address it.

Chapter-a-Day

Blind Spots

May 15, 2014 Tom Vander Well 10 Comments

When King David heard of all these things, he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.
2 Samuel 13:21 (NSRV)

As I read through these chapters I’ve noticed that we never see David telling his children “no” nor do we see him discipline them for their behavior. David appears to have even had a reputation among his offspring of not refusing their requests. David’s daughter, Tamar, tells her half brother Amnon that if he simply asks Dad she’s sure he’ll let them get married. When Amnon rapes Tamar instead and then turns her away we hear of David’s anger, but he doesn’t do anything about disciplining his beloved first born son. When Tamar’s full brother Absalom plots to kill their half brother Amnon in revenge, Absalom goes to David and presses good ol’ dad until David relents and sends all the brothers on Absalom’s little fratricidal sheep-shearing retreat.

David has a blind spot. He can lead an army to endless victories but his record as leader of a family is a tragic string of failures and defeats.

I cannot point at David without three fingers pointing back at me. We all have our blind spots. Our greatest strengths have their corollary weaknesses. We cannot escape this reality, but we can escape being enslaved to it. What we can do is be honest about our blind spots. We can choose to shine a light of our time and attention to addressing them. We can surround ourselves with others who will graciously help us see them, work through them, and who will patiently love us as we do.