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Untold Stories

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Untold Stories (CaD 1 Chr 27) – Wayfarer

Ahithophel was the king’s counselor. Hushai the Arkite was the king’s confidant. Ahithophel was succeeded by Jehoiada son of Benaiah and by Abiathar.
1 Chronicles 27:33-34 (NIV)

I’ll never forget the weekend my father and I made a trip to northwest Iowa to visit my grandfather who was well into his nineties. As we sat around the table with Grandpa V that afternoon, he began to share family stories that my dad and his brother had never heard. They were stories of the issues that had created division in the family and had partially shaped his life. But they had never been talked about.

I find it fascinating the things that people choose to talk about and those they keep secret. What is perhaps even more fascinating are the motivations that drive the silence.

In today’s chapter, the Chronicler continues his lists outlining the reign of ancient Israel’s greatest King, King David. Today’s lists are the Army divisions and their commanders, the tribal leaders, and the overseers of the King’s lands, flocks, vineyards, and storehouses. David definitely had an impressive spread.

At the very end of the chapter, the Chronicler mentions David’s counselor, Ahithophel, and then quickly mentions that Ahithophel was succeeded by Jehoiada. Once again, I find that when reading through these ancient lists the stories are in the exceptions. I always look for things that don’t fit the pattern. In this case, nowhere else in his lists does the Chronicler name someone’s successor. So, what’s up with that?

The story is found in 2 Samuel 15-17. David’s very own son, Absalom, killed his brothers and very nearly succeeded in a coup d’etat to steal his father’s kingdom away. Why? Absalom’s sister had been raped and discarded by their half-brother, the eldest of David’s sons. David, their father, did nothing. When it came to unleashing his coup, Absalom was aided by his father’s own counselor, Ahithophel. When the coup failed and Absalom was dead, Ahithophel committed suicide.

The Chronicler is silent when it comes to this story or any story that might tarnish the memory of the great King David. Some historians argue that the Chronicler’s audience knew these stories well and they didn’t need to be repeated. While that may be true, his readers also knew the stories of David’s mighty men, but he lists them anyway. I think the motivation in the Chronicler’s silence is simply that he wants the history he’s writing to inspire the work of rebuilding and restoring the Temple that was happening in his generation. He was selective in sharing the glorious bits while leaving out the things that might tarnish those memories.

“Every family has bad memories.”
Michael Corleone, Godfather Part III

This morning in the quiet I found myself pondering anew my grandfather’s decades of silence and then his confession late in life. I’m grateful to have been there to hear it, and I’m glad that he shared it. It helped me understand a lot of things about our family and about my grandfather’s life. I don’t, however, know exactly what his motivation was in never talking about it. Perhaps it’s as simple as “letting bygones be bygones.”

I get that there are a million and one “what ifs” depending on the specific skeletons in the family closet. At the same time, I have observed along my life journey that there is a common human desire to understand ourselves, our families, and the things that shaped our life experiences. Knowing the truth, even a difficult-to-hear truth, may very well be a key ingredient in that journey of understanding. I don’t want to rob my descendants of knowing a difficult truth simply to avoid personal shame.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

“Everyone Has Their Shit”

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"Everyone Has Their Shit" (CaD 1 Chr 3) – Wayfarer

All these were the sons of David, besides his sons by his concubines. And Tamar was their sister.
1 Chronicles 3:9 (NIV)

Wendy and I created the lower level of our home with a British theme including a small bar that’s our homage to a British Pub. Add in all of the memorabilia from our years in theatre, and I’d like to imagine it would be at home in London’s West End. Next to the bar is a portrait of Scotland’s Robert the Bruce. In the adjoining guest room, you’ll find portraits of some of the more famous kings and queens of Britain. It’s something we’ve had a lot of fun with.

Royalty is a funny thing. Most of the European nations still acknowledge their royal families and lines of succession though they have no real political power. It’s amazing how the Royal family of Great Britain continues to attract such worldwide fascination. The travails of Harry and Megan over the past few years are a glaring case in point.

For our ancient Chronicler and all of the Hebrew people who returned from exile, it is no different. For over half a millennium their history and heritage were intertwined with the royal family and line of succession, the line of King David.

We’re in our third chapter of the Chronicler’s laying out of the historical genealogies of the Hebrew people. Get ready. There are six more chapters of it coming before we switch to the narrative. In today’s chapter, the focus is on the ever-important line of David. David was God’s appointed King and it was through David’s line that the prophets proclaimed a Messiah would be born. For the Chronicler and his people, the lineage of David was at the core of their history and identity.

Of course, anyone who’s watched Netflix’s wonderful series The Crown (which I highly recommend), knows that the story of Queen Elizabeth isn’t complete without the story of her wild sister, Margaret. Then there’s the tragedy of Diana, the whispers-turned-marriage to Camilla, and the bratty “spare” Prince Harry.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that one of the things I look for when reading through genealogies in the Great Story is something that is out of place. One of the things I mentioned is the mention of a woman amid all of the men. We find that in today’s chapter. The Chronicler lists all of the sons of David from his various wives and concubines. At the very end of the list, he adds “And Tamar was their sister.”

David certainly had plenty of daughters to go with the sons, but only one is mentioned. Without saying another word, the Chronicler has acknowledged to all of his contemporary readers what he knows they all talk about. He’s telling us “There is a story here.” Tamar was that daughter.

For those who may not know, or may have forgotten, Tamar fell in love with her half-brother Amnon who was also the first-born and heir to David’s throne. The heir to the throne ends up raping his younger half-sister and then completely shuns her and tosses her aside. David shoves the entire event under the proverbial rug, which only serves to plant a seed of rage within the heart of Absalom, his third-born son, and Tamar’s full-blood older brother. Absalom would eventually take out his other brothers like Michael Corleone taking out the heads of the five families at the end of The Godfather, and launch a coup to steal the throne from his father. All of this gets reduced to:

“And Tamar was their sister.”

In the quiet this morning, my mind wandered to a couple of conversations I’ve had in the past few weeks. In each case, I was speaking with individuals I have known for over 30 years. I first met each of these people when they were in high school, though there’s no relationship between the two. They are of different ages and from completely different places in life. The connection is that each of them is in the midst of unbelievably difficult circumstances concerning one of their children. The circumstances are completely different but each case is beyond anything I have personally encountered. I can hardly even imagine what these people are going through.

But you’d never know.

In one of these conversations, as I dug into the difficulties they were living with daily, my friend said, “You know, everyone has their shit. It just looks different. Yet, with each person, it’s their shit in their life and they are having to work through it and deal with it and learn from it.” And, this observation stuck with me. I’ve been chewing on it and meditating on the truth of it.

What my friend was getting at is that each person has their own messy, struggling, difficult, tragic, and even shameful story. We are fallen people living in a fallen world. Yet we project to strangers, acquaintances, friends, and even family that things are “normal” and “good.” Nothing to see here. “And Tamar was their sister.”

Over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself considering those with whom I interact. What is this person’s story? What are they dealing with in life about which I have no clue? The lady behind the counter has a company name tag that says, “Karen. I’m here to help.” It could just as easily say, “Tamar. I’m just the sister.”

I’m reminded of Jesus’ scandalous conversation with the Samaritan woman, a stranger who happened to come to draw water while He was sitting there. He ends up telling the woman, “You’ve been married five times, and you’ve not bothered to get married to the man you’re living with.” It’s easy to read that as subtle condemnation, but there’s no hint or evidence of Jesus condemning her in any way. I think it was really about Jesus saying “I see you. I see the story behind the ‘Hello, my name is Mara’ way in which you’re going about the daily chore of drawing water for you and your husband.”

I confess to you that God’s Spirit has long been working on me to be more considerate. Today’s chapter compels me to consider that every individual I interact with has more going on in life than I can possibly know, and respond accordingly.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Different Times, Same Journey

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Different Times, Same Journey (CaD Gen 38) – Wayfarer

As [Tamar] was being brought out, she sent a message to her father-in-law [Judah]. “I am pregnant by the man who owns these,” she said. And she added, “See if you recognize whose seal and cord and staff these are.”
Genesis 38:25 (NIV)

I have blogged often in my posts about my maternal great-grandmother, Daisy, who was the celebrated matriarch of my mother’s family. The untold story of Grandma Daisy is her complicated relationship with her husband, Will. As heralded as Daisy was for her faith, joy, strength, fortitude, Will was remembered by his family as a tragically broken man who, from birth, was trapped in circumstances that were not of his own making, and from which he would never truly escape.

One of the challenges for modern readers of Genesis is to understand the social customs and mores of the tribal Near Eastern Mesopotamian cultures in the time of 1900 B.C. There are aspects of humanity and human behavior in which “nothing is new under the sun.” At the same time, the matters of daily life, systems of family, marriage, commerce, religion, government, survival, and culture are largely foreign to a 21st-century reader.

Today’s chapter is a fascinating lesson in the roles of men and women with regard to marriage and widowhood. It was a true patriarchal system. A woman had no status but for her husband and/or sons. She could not own land or inherit an estate. Widows were in a particularly vulnerable position. Unless her husband’s family agreed to marry her to a relative and she produced male offspring (called a Levirate marriage), she could either return to her father’s household (if he would have her) or try and survive by prostitution or the generosity of others.

Once again, the recurring theme of deception crops up, now in the fourth generation from Abraham. In yesterday’s chapter, Joseph’s brothers deceive their father into thinking his favorite son had been killed by a wild animal. In today’s chapter, Judah’s eldest two sons die, leaving him to care for his daughter-in-law, Tamar. He promises to marry her to his third son once he was of age, and sends her back to her family as was the custom of that day. He didn’t keep his word, however, and married his youngest son off to another. Judah knew he was not keeping his pledge to Tamar in yet another deception.

Tamar, left in a vulnerable position with no recourse, shrewdly beats Judah at his own family’s game of deception. Eerily similar to Judah’s father’s deception of Isaac, Tamar disguises herself, pretends to be a prostitute in order to get Judah to sleep with her and impregnate her. Having birthed a son by Judah, he is forced to bring Tamar and his son into the family or risk public humiliation.

Which, in the quiet this morning, brought me back to the story of Will and Daisy who, like Judah and Tamar, lived in a culture of intense social pressure. Their divorce left Daisy alone and scandalized with five children to raise on her own with whatever meager means she could scrounge in that day. She even graciously agreed to marry Will a second time as he attempted to redeem himself and pull himself out of his endless cycle of poor choices and unfortunate circumstances. His death was a sad metaphor for his life. He was run over in the street. Not surprisingly, no one in my family talked about Will. I only learned his story because my great aunt investigated and wrote a short biography of her father. I believe it was a daughter’s attempt to understand and reconcile with a father who brought so much pain into her life.

And thus, I return to the fact that humans of every time and place in history are human. In that, there is nothing new under the sun. In Judah and Tamar’s story, in Will and Daisy’s story, are two human beings navigating their own life journeys complete with the obstacles of personal failings, generational sin, relational struggles, and cultural obstacles. Sometimes we’re hampered by our own choices. Sometimes we’re stuck with circumstances that were not of our own making. Sometimes we struggle against the systems of culture, religion, community, and society that are lined up against us. It’s all part of our journeys and our stories. How I walk that journey will impact the legacy and the journeys of my physical and spiritual descendants.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Chapter-a-Day

Lament (and Parenting)

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Lament (and Parenting) [CaD Ps 55] – Wayfarer

If an enemy were insulting me,
    I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
    I could hide.
But it is you, a man like myself,
    my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
    at the house of God…
Psalm 55:12-14 (NIV)

Thus far, in my entire life journey, I discovered that the process of releasing my adult children on to their own respective paths of life to be one of the most surprisingly difficult things I’ve ever experienced. It’s not just about the loss of control and the fact that my child may choose paths unfitting my dreams, desires, and expectations. It’s also the experience of catching glimpses of my own weaknesses and shortcomings as a parent, and the useless wonderings of “What if I had only….”

The greatest challenge of David’s life was not the Bathsheba scandal which I talked about in the podcast on Psalm 51. Bathsheba gets top billing and is better known because it has all of the classic plot elements we love in a steamy Harlequin Romance. The greatest challenge of David’s life is lesser known, but I personally find it even more fascinating because it is more intimate and complex. Late in David’s life, he faces a coup de tête finds himself fleeing for his life, and almost loses his throne and his life to his very own son.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 13-19. Let me give you the Reader’s Digest condensed version. The seeds of the rebellion are in David’s own shortcomings as a father. Marriage and family looked very different for a monarch in ancient times. Not only was polygamy regularly practiced, but a monarch had the added layer of nations wanting to marry off daughters to other kings to establish diplomatic ties. David had eight wives, and at least 10 concubines. Which meant the palaces were teaming with princes and princesses who were half-brothers and half-sisters. Long story short, Prince Amnon had the hots for his sister, Princess Tamar. He rapes her, and then in his shame, he shuns Tamar and wants nothing to do with. He treated her like a prostitute. King David is furious according to the record, but he does nothing. He passively seems to ignore the whole thing.

Princess Tamar’s older brother is Prince Absalom, and Absalom bottles up his rage against his half-brother Amnon, who raped his sister, and against his father who did nothing to justly deal with Amnon. The seeds of Prince Absalom’s rage take root and grow into a plot to kill his brother and steal his father’s kingdom. He succeeds at the former, and nearly succeeds with the latter.

In the process of his scheming to steal his father’s throne, the Great Story records that Absalom spent a lot of time establishing allies among the rich, noble, and powerful people in the kingdom. Quietly, slowly he used his position and influence to create both debts and alliances so that when he pulled the trigger on his coup David had virtually no one supporting him.

We can’t be certain, but the lyrics of David’s song that we know as Psalm 55 seem as though they could very well have been penned during the time of Absalom’s rebellion. David expresses that Jerusalem is a boiling cauldron of deceit, treachery, and violence. He feels the sting of an unnamed “companion” who he thought was a friend and ally, but turns out to have sold him out. It is certainly reasonable to think that he’s referring to someone that Absalom convinced to aid in his rebellion.

Like many of David’s songs, Psalm 55 is a personal lament. He is pouring out all of his emotions from despair, hurt, anguish, fear, confusion, and the desire to fly away from all of his troubles. In the pouring out of his deepest emotions he also is reminded of how faithful God had always been and the song ends with a simple proclamation of his unwavering trust.

One of the fascinating threads in the story of Absalom’s rebellion is David’s unwavering love for Absalom. Despite the fratricide, the rebellion, and the attempt to destroy David and take everything that was his, David ordered his men to be gentle with Absalom. When he heard Absalom had been killed, David wept and mourned to the point that his own General called David out for humiliating all of the soldiers who had been loyal to him.

In the quiet this morning I find myself contemplating the complex relationship between parents and children, especially as children mature into their own selves and lives. The whole story of David and his children Amnon, Tamar, and Absalom is a hot mess. There is so much of the story that is not told. Nevertheless, it reminds me of the intense and infinite love a parent feels for a child no matter the differences, conflicts, or chasms that emerge in the relationship.

Once again, there is no concrete evidence to directly correlate Psalm 55 with the story of Absalom’s rebellion, nor is there concrete evidence to the contrary. Some mornings, I find that this is the way the chapter-a-day journey goes. The text connects me to one idea which leads down another path of thought, and I end up in an unintended destination of thought and Spirit. C’est lav ie.

Parenting is one of the grand adventures of this life journey. It has produced the greatest of joys and the deepest of sorrows. It has humbled me to my core, and has equipped Lady Sophia with some of the most powerful practicums for teaching me wisdom.

Chapter-a-Day

Blind Spots (and Parenting)

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I have the blessing this weekend of spending time with a friend and his son. It’s a rite-of-passage weekend. It is a time to empower, launch, and let go. Every parent has his or her blind spots, but I am so thankful for those who are willing to confess this, address it, and work to shed Light on the blind spots even after their children are launched. This post about King David’s parenting “blind spots” has had a lot of traffic in the five years since I first published it. I’m sowing it out there again today, and praying for good soil.

When King David heard of all these things, he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.
2 Samuel 13:21 (NSRV)

David was a great warrior, a great general, and a great leader of men. Evidence leads me to believe that he was not, however, a great husband or father. As we’ve read David’s story he has slowly been amassing wives like the spoils of war and the result was many children. But, an army of children do not an army make. A family system and the complex relationships between birth order and gender can be difficult enough for a monogamous, nuclear family. I can’t imagine the exponential complexities that emerge when you have eight wives, ten concubines and children with most all of them.

As I read through these chapters I’ve noticed that we never see David telling his children “no” nor do we see him discipline them for their behavior. David appears to have even had a reputation among his offspring of not refusing their requests. David’s daughter, Tamar, tells her half brother Amnon that if he simply asks Dad she’s sure he’ll let them get married. When Amnon rapes Tamar instead and then turns her away we hear of David’s anger, but he doesn’t do anything about disciplining his beloved firstborn son. When Tamar’s full brother Absalom plots to kill their half brother Amnon in revenge, Absalom goes to David and presses good ol’ dad until David relents and sends all the brothers on Absalom’s little fratricidal sheep-shearing retreat.

David has a blind spot. He can lead an army to endless victories but his record as leader of a family is a tragic string of failures and defeats.

I cannot point at David without three fingers pointing back at me. We all have our blind spots. Our greatest strengths have their corollary weaknesses. We cannot escape this reality, but we can escape being enslaved to it. What we can do is be honest about our blind spots. We can choose to shine a light on our time and attention to addressing them. We can surround ourselves with others who will graciously help us see them, work through them, and who will patiently love us as we do.

Today’s chapter seems perfectly timed as I’ve been made painfully aware of a blind spot in my life. If you’re reading this, and are a person who prays, please say a prayer for me as I address it.

Chapter-a-Day

Blind Spots

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Davids Family TreeWhen King David heard of all these things, he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.
2 Samuel 13:21 (NSRV)

David was a great warrior, a great general, and a great leader of men. Evidence leads me to believe that he was not, however, a great husband or father. As we’ve read David’s story he has slowly been amassing wives like the spoils of war and the result was many children. But, an army of children do not an army make. A family system and the complex relationships between birth order and gender can be difficult enough for a monogamous, nuclear family. I can’t imagine the exponential complexities that emerge when you have eight wives, ten concubines and children with most all of them.

As I read through these chapters I’ve noticed that we never see David telling his children “no” nor do we see him discipline them for their behavior. David appears to have even had a reputation among his offspring of not refusing their requests. David’s daughter, Tamar, tells her half brother Amnon that if he simply asks Dad she’s sure he’ll let them get married. When Amnon rapes Tamar instead and then turns her away we hear of David’s anger, but he doesn’t do anything about disciplining his beloved first born son. When Tamar’s full brother Absalom plots to kill their half brother Amnon in revenge, Absalom goes to David and presses good ol’ dad until David relents and sends all the brothers on Absalom’s little fratricidal sheep-shearing retreat.

David has a blind spot. He can lead an army to endless victories but his record as leader of a family is a tragic string of failures and defeats.

I cannot point at David without three fingers pointing back at me. We all have our blind spots. Our greatest strengths have their corollary weaknesses. We cannot escape this reality, but we can escape being enslaved to it. What we can do is be honest about our blind spots. We can choose to shine a light of our time and attention to addressing them. We can surround ourselves with others who will graciously help us see them, work through them, and who will patiently love us as we do.

Today’s chapter seems perfectly timed as I’ve been made painfully aware of a blind spot in my life. If you’re reading this, and are a person who prays, please say a prayer for me as I address it.

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Chapter-a-Day

Divinely Sanctioned Detours on Life’s Road

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Judah and Tamar (painting circa 1650–1660 by t...
Judah and Tamar (painting circa 1650–1660 by the school of Rembrandt) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tamar was aware that Shelah had grown up, but no arrangements had been made for her to come and marry him. So she changed out of her widow’s clothing and covered herself with a veil to disguise herself. Then she sat beside the road at the entrance to the village of Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. Genesis 38:14 (NLT)

Interesting that as Joseph is taken off to Egypt and sold into service of the man in charge of Pharaoh’s  house guard, the writer of Genesis gives us a literary aside. As Joseph lives out his unintended exile, we now get a picture of what’s going on in the lives of one of Joseph’s brothers back home. It’s no surprise that we see a perpetuation of the back-dealing and deception that has marked the family system to this point. Judah deals falsely with his daughter-in-law and forces her to resort to her own deception to survive and force Judah to lawfully provide for her.

I am reminded this morning that sometimes when circumstances force us to make detours on life’s road, God can actually use them to protect and provide. No doubt Joseph had every reason to feel angry at his brothers, miss his home, and bemoan the difficult circumstances into which he was forced. At the same time, he was placed into one of the most prominent households in Egypt where he would have opportunity to be trained, educated and to become his own person. Had he not been removed from the family system at a relatively young age, one wonders what affect it would have had on him. As we will find, the “detour” on which his brothers forcibly sent him would arguably be the best thing that ever happened to him.

When life throws you a wicked curve ball, just wait for it. Time and time again I’ve witnessed God knock it out of the park.