Self Discovery | Wayfarer

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”
Matthew 7:8 (NIV)

The further I get on this life journey, the more things I discover about myself. When I was a young man, I thought I knew myself well, but the reality is that I didn’t know my true self at all. What I realized along the way is that self-discovery required the hero’s journey. It is only through wilderness wanderings, crisis, and trial that I discovered the means by which I uncovered things buried deep within.

It is only later in life that I have learned to recognize one of my patterns of behavior. The truth is that I am, at the heart of things, a wallflower. I don’t like to initiate things, rather I like to be invited in to things. I tend not to insert myself or take the first step. I don’t want to go chasing after things, I like to wait for things to naturally flow to me.

I have learned and experienced that this particular trait, like most quirks of personality and temperament, comes with both positive and negative consequences.

Today’s chapter is the final of three chapters that make up Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. As He approaches the end of His message, Jesus famously tells His audience to take the initiative to spiritually ask, seek, and knock. As I read this in the quiet this morning, my soul felt familiar pangs of internal discomfort. Asking, seeking, and knocking on opportunity’s door all require initiative. They all come with the risk of failure, disappointment, and rejection. That’s where my struggle is rooted.

I have learned from my study of the Enneagram that across the nine types there is a triad of core struggles: fear, anger, and shame. As an Enneagram Type Four, shame is my core struggle. It is the deep sense that there is something flawed in me, that I am not enough, and I am worthless.

If I step out and take the initiative to ask, there’s a chance that the answer will be “no, not for you” and it will only reinforce my shame. Nope. I think I’ll just stand here and wait for someone to come along, notice me, and offer me what I desire.

If I seek and take the initiative to find, I could easily find myself back in the wilderness again, feeling lost and void of the things I need to find my way. Nope. I think I’ll just stand here at the edge of opportunity until someone offers to safely guide me.

If I knock, I don’t know who will open the door. I don’t know how they will respond to my interruption. Maybe they’re having dinner, or indisposed, or hate being interrupted. There’s a chance they’ll slam the door in my face. Nope. That would only reinforce my shame. It’s easier just not taking the risk. I’ll just stand here outside the door and wait for the door to open on its own.

Ugh. Even writing this honest assessment of my inner thoughts stirs my sense of shame.

In the quiet this morning, I find myself reminded of the older brother in Jesus’ story of the Prodigal Son. He was angry that His father threw a big homecoming party for his wayward, disobedient little brother. He complains that not once had his father thrown a dinner party for him and his friends. The father replies, “But, son, you never asked.”

I’m still learning. Overcoming my core struggle with shame requires me to exercise faith despite my fear. This wallflower has to have the faith to step out onto the dance floor, approach that girl with the wild head of curly, mahogany hair and mischievous look in her blue eyes and ask her to dance. Yes, she might say no. On the other hand, I might find out her name is Wendy and taking the initiative to ask her for a dance might launch the greatest and most profitable adventure of my life journey.

I’m still learning.

Lord, in the quiet this morning, I ask that you continue to teach me, I seek your grace for being a slow learner. Heavenly Father, I’m knocking on your door this morning and wondering if I might possibly have your blessing this day. Thanks.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

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But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgment.
1 Corinthians 11:31 (NIV)

Discern /dəˈsərn/ verb [from Latin: discernere]

Perceive or recognize (something).
Distinguish (someone or something) with difficulty by sight or with the other senses.

One of the more intriguing themes I’ve enjoyed in the Star Wars epic is the spiritual journey and formation of the Jedi. In the world of Star Wars, those who are strong in the force begin their training as “younglings.” Eventually, developing Jedi become a “padawan learner” who is coupled with a mentor. The process of development never ends, as Obi Wan says to his rebellious padawan (Anakin Skywalker, aka Darth Vader) in their final battle: “If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

Great stories resonate with us because they echo our own human experiences and our deepest human longings. Much like a Jedi, I have found that my spiritual journey on this earth has been a journey of ever and increasing self-discovery. When I was a young man (youngling, if you will) I did many things out a sense of compulsion or ignorance. I had no idea why I felt compelled in certain ways. I did not understand why I said and did certain things. I acted out of my broken human nature without giving it a second thought.

When I became a follower (a padawan, if you will) of Jesus I experienced an acute desire to be more like Jesus and the person Jesus described in His teachings. This resulted in the awareness that many of my behaviors did not match up to Jesus’ teaching and example. A process of behavior modification began spurred by God’s prompting/power along with my willingness to change and be transformed.

Some behaviors were snap to change. Others required a wee bit of humility, patience, and determination. I was making progress and feeling good, but as time went on I recognized that there were the pesky, ugly things of my character and behavior that were of the Dark Side. They seemed hard wired and immovable. Discouragement, doubt, and frustration set in.

As much as I desired for God’s power to simply, and miraculously remove such things from my character, I came to realize that this was part of my spiritual journey. God’s power and grace (and patience) would be key ingredients, but much would be required of this padawan learner along this marathon journey of spiritual self-discovery:

Self study: A willingness to take the time to dig beneath my words and behaviors to excavate my past, my thoughts, my relationships, my emotions, my personality, and the desires of my heart and soul.
Meditation: A willingness to think honestly and transparently about the things I learned about myself, to fix the eyes of my heart steadily on Jesus, and to ingest God’s Word in my very soul.
Conversation: A willingness to have an on-going dialogue, not only with God, but with a select group of trusted companions who are on the journey with me. An openness to listen to and honestly embrace what they see, hear and perceive in me.
Professional Assistance: The assistance of professionals (in person or through their writings) who understand both spiritual truth and human psychology.
Perseverance: Accepting that the process of self-discovery and the spiritual transformation of becoming more like Jesus (a process theologians call sanctification) continues uninterrupted through this earthly journey’s end.

In today’s chapter Paul is writing to a young community of Jesus’ followers. They are spiritual younglings and a long way from becoming spiritual Jedi. Their behavior and conflicts, as described in Paul’s correspondence, reflect the blunt, early stages of spiritual transformation. And to this Paul says that they need discernment. They need to perceive the spiritual, emotional, social, relational drivers of their behavior and conflicts.

Welcome to the journey, my young padawan. Lace ’em up tight. It’s a long trek…. and an absolutely worthwhile journey!