Courtesy | Wayfarer

[An elder] must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)
1 Timothy 3: 4-5 (NIV)

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’m currently working on a book about my work. The working title is This Call May Be Monitored with a subtitle What Eavesdropping on Corporate America taught me about business and life. Over 30 years I’ve evaluated around 100,000 phone calls and trained individuals and teams how to improve the customer experience. It’s been a quirky career. I have learned a lot of lessons worth sharing, and as the subtitle says, many of those lessons apply to both business and life. This morning’s chapter brought one to mind that I was just writing about yesterday.

When working with clients who primarily serve internal customers (team members from their own company) or regular customers they talk to every day, I will often be told “All of this customer service stuff doesn’t apply to me. I talk to this person everyday,” or “I don’t serve customers. It’s just another employee.” The subtext of these statements is that the more you know a person and the closer you are to them means you shouldn’t have to treat them with the courtesy and quality that you would a complete stranger who calls. Follow this reasoning to its logical end and it’s a justification for putting on appearances for outsiders while you excuse treating the most important people in your life poorly.

As I observed this happening at work, it caused me to personally reevaluate my own thoughts and behaviors at home. Shouldn’t my family and my closest friends get the best of me? Why would I ever conclude that I’m excused from rude, discourteous, disrespectful, and mean behavior at home simply because it’s family? I think Wendy, my children, and my grandchildren should get the best of my love, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control.

This prompted me to start saying “thank you” to Wendy every time I walk into the kitchen and find her doing laundry. I’ve shared that with individuals who responded, “That’s crazy. Why would I thank my spouse for something that’s just expected?” Because I’m grateful for all Wendy does for me. I want her to know how much I appreciate it. A simple “thank you” costs me nothing but has slowly changed our marriage and our household into a more courteous, appreciative, and loving environment.

In today’s chapter, Paul instructs young Timothy regarding the qualifications for leadership in the local gathering of Jesus’ followers in Ephesus. The highest rung in the evolving local leadership structure at that point of the Jesus Movement is translated “Overseer,” “Elder,” and sometimes “Bishop.” Paul makes the point that anyone who holds this position must “manage his family well.”

In the ancient world, the household (Greek: oikos) was the fundamental social unit. A leader who could manage his household well demonstrated the ability to manage the “household of God” (the church). This wasn’t just about kids behaving at the dinner table—it was about practicing justice, hospitality, and responsibility in the daily microcosm of family life.

Along my life journey, I’ve observed and worked with many men in church leadership who interpret Paul’s words as an excuse to bully, browbeat, and tyrannize their wife and children in the name of “controlling” or “managing” the household. I’ve never understood how anyone could think that this is what Jesus desires or expects. But those are extreme cases.

In the quiet this morning, I’m thinking that the more common and far more insidious problem lies in the more subtle mindset in which I believe I’m excused from treating my family with the best I’ve got when it comes to courtesy, servant-heartedness, respect, and kindness.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend some quality time with the most important person in my life.