Four Things That Matter Most

For my life is full of troubles,
and death draws near.
Psalm 88:3 (NLT)

Over this past year, Wendy and I had the privilege of participating in a local service project through Union Street Players and the Pella Shakespeare Festival to record an audiobook for our local hospice. The book we made into an audiobook (with permission of the author and publisher, of course) is The Four Things That Matter Most by Dr. Ira Byock. Our local hospice gives a copy to all patients and their families, but most Hospice patients are not able to read, so the audio book was needed. In the book, Dr. Byock shares the four things that everyone should say and hear before dying:

“Please forgive me.”
“I forgive you.”
“Thank you.”
“I love you.”

I thought of “The Four Things” this morning as I read Heman’s lyrics in Psalm 88. The ancient song powerfully describes a person who is facing death and feeling the pain, anxiety and fear that accompanies it. Those who work in Hospice and palliative care like Dr. Byock can tell you about the spiritual and emotional pain experienced by those who are facing death and have unfinished business with loved ones. There is a writhing of spirit that can easily overshadow any physical pain the person may be feeling.

This morning I am reminded that how I end this life journey depends largely on how I handle my most important relationships today. I don’t want to hobble to the finish line in relational pain, emotional anxiety and fear. I want to finish strong surrounded by and taking comfort in loved ones with whom I’ve shared the sojourn. That will only happen if I take care of unfinished relational business today and not leave it for tomorrow.

These are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father said as he told his sons good-bye. He blessed each one with an appropriate message. Genesis 49:28 (NLT)

What we say as parents and, perhaps more importantly, what we left unsaid can create soul-wounds which can and will negatively affect generations of a family. A few months ago, Wendy and I had the privilege of participating in a service project in which we read part of an audiobook that will be used by our local hospice when families have a loved one who is dying. The book, The Four Things That Matter Most, was written by Dr. Ira Bock who is an authority in the area palliative and end-of-life care. In his book, Dr. Bock recommends four messages that need to be said between loved ones before death:

“Please forgive me.”
“I forgive you.”
“Thank you.”
“I love you.”

I thought about Dr. Bock’s book this morning as I read Jacob’s death-bed words to each of his sons. I put myself in the shoes of each son and considered what each might have felt upon hearing the words. I came up with a broad range of emotions from shame, guilt, envy, curiosity, hurt, anger, bewilderment, and pride. While there were some positive emotions in the list, they were overshadowed by the negative.

I believe Jacob spoke the right words, but they were at the wrong time. I’m sure that he spoke spoke truth to his sons and expressed what his heart felt before he died, but as I look at the diverse list of emotions I jotted down I can only imagine that Jacob’s words created more wounds and division than healing and harmony among the brothers. Furthermore, Jacob purged his heart and mind before he died, giving no opportunity for conversation, reflection and relational healing.

There is a time for everything, a time to wound and a time to heal. There is a time for confrontation and honesty, but confrontation and honesty right before one breathes his or her last tends to create a one way monologue that may open wounds in their loved ones which will never heal this side of death. The time for that crucial conversation is when both parties are able to have a conversation, perhaps a series of conversations, along with the necessary time and space to work things out and come to a mutual understanding. When this is done in a timely way in life, there is a greater opportunity to hear the four things that matter most to be said before death.

Our words have the power to wound or to heal. Let us be careful how we wield them, especially with those whom we love most in this life.