W.I.P.

…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

A week ago I gave a message among our local gathering of Jesus’ followers. It was part of a series of messages from Paul’s letter to the Philippians thinking about how we think. As part of the message I had Wendy join me on stage to talk through a tense relational moment that the two of us had the previous week. As part of the dissection of the tension between us, we recognized that the two of us think very differently. Neither of us are right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse in our differences. The different ways in which we think have equal strengths and challenges.

Wendy is an external processor. It’s in talking her thoughts and emotions out loud that she best processes what it is she’s thinking and feeling in the moment. As an external processor, she wants to “get it out.”

I am an internal processor. I require time alone to think, journal, and sort out my thoughts and feelings before I can make any sense of them. It is only then that I’m ready to talk things through, express my feelings, and seek some resolution to whatever the issue is.

As an Enneagram Type Eight, Wendy is in the “Anger” triad (along with Nines and Ones). Her internal thoughts, feelings, and needs will often first appear on the surface as flashes anger. In addition, Eights tend to be future oriented, always thinking about what’s on the horizon, what’s directly ahead, and what needs to happen in order for their world to be well-ordered and everyone in their world to experience peace and goodness.

As an Enneagram Type Four, I am in the “Shame” triad (along with Twos and Threes). My internal thoughts, feelings, and needs will often be hidden beneath an internal blanket of shame. In addition, Fours tend to be past oriented, always thinking about what has gone before, what important life lessons can be learned, what context it can provide our present, and the peace and goodness that can come from understanding and embracing it.

In the message, Wendy and I shared together how we’ve had to learn to think about the way each of us think. We’ve learned to do this in the moment even as we’re navigating a rather benign conflict over a prescription that didn’t get picked up at the pharmacy and the issues that it triggered in a bedtime explosion of external anger and internal shame.

Because we think differently in these ways, we often have very different perceptions of everyday life. One example that we’ve learned over time and shared with others is the way we perceive and think about home improvement. Wendy did a great job of helping design our house. She was passionate about having a home that would be bring peace and goodness to our daily lives, our future grandchildren, and our frequent guests. I, on the other hand, am not a great DIY-er or home improvement guy. I am functional with certain maintenance task, but I take little-to-no joy in it. In fact, simply having conversations about DIY home projects will sometimes create acute emotional angst in me, and makes me want to run screaming from the room. Why? In part, it’s because of some painful past experiences and the personal feelings of shame that surround them.

Over the years, Wendy and I have progressed a long way in understanding ourselves and one another. We also share a foundational heart desire to continue growing to become more like Jesus in the way we think, act, and relate to one another and everyone in our circles of influence. This, in turn, motivates us to think about the way we think, dissect our conflicts, and learn how to improve how we relate to one another. I’ve learned that when she has flashes of anger I don’t have to let it trigger my shame or react to her anger as though it is an inherently wicked thing. Wendy has learned to lovingly release me to go process and sort out my thoughts and feelings. The further we get in our journey together, I can say the more oneness we experience; This is not because we have learned to be the same, but because we’ve learned how to dance with our differences in increasingly beautiful ways.

As Paul begins his letter to the disciples of Jesus in the ancient city of Philippi, he reminds them that being a disciple of Jesus is not about perfection, but of progress. Believing in Jesus does not result in immediate transformation into righteousness. Rather, believing in Jesus launches a long-term, top-to-bottom, spiritual DIY renovation project. In other words, for the remainder of this earthly journey I am a Work In Progress (W.I.P.).

As it is a DIY project, I am so grateful to have Wendy as a partner.