But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.
1 Samuel 20:33 (NIV)

I had an unexpected conversation with a loved one the other day. It was about a person they loved barreling down a path of self-destruction. They have done everything they can from kindness and encouragement to truth-filled intervention — but their friend’s trajectory has yet to change. As we chatted about the situation, it became clear that my loved one was grappling with one of life’s most harsh lessons.

No matter how much we love a person and no matter how much we want the best for them, we cannot control or change another human being. That has to come from within them.

Today’s chapter is one of the most emotionally deep moments in all of the Great Story. It speaks to the depth of friendship between David and Saul’s son, Prince Jonathan. As I meditated on the chapter, I wondered why Jonathan isn’t studied and discussed more often. He is a model of humility, spiritual maturity, and godly surrender. His love for David requires that he set aside his own selfish ambitions and vain conceits — to surrender his will to God’s will regarding who will sit on the throne. That surrender comes with a personal cost to Jonathan, but he chooses love of a friend over his own personal interests.

That’s the kind of person God calls all of us to be. The kind of person I want to be.

The struggle for Jonathan thus far in the story is that the love for his friend David does not negate his love for his own father. Jonathan wants what’s best for everyone. He wants David to live and flourish and realize all that God has planned for him. He also wants his father to be mentally healthy, to do the right thing, and to be faithful to God. But when things come to a head — and at some point life always leads to those fish-or-cut-bait moments — Saul hurls his spear at Jonathan with murderous intent. Jonathan’s own father tries to kill him because of his friendship with David.

Jonathan finally sees clearly.

For a long time he has hoped his father might change. For a long time he has believed things might improve. For a long time he has tried to reconcile what he knows about David with what he hopes about Saul.

Then dad’s spear came hurtling toward his heart.

That settles the matter. Reality can no longer be denied. Sometimes spiritual maturity requires grieving the truth rather than pretending it isn’t true.

As I look back on my life journey and recall a number of broken relationships, I see with the clarity of 20-20 hindsight so many moments when I desperately wanted someone to become who they are not becoming.

I want the relationship restored.
I want the wound healed.
I want the conflict resolved.
I want the person to change.

And sometimes God gently but firmly brings us to the place Jonathan finally arrives in today’s chapter. The place where hope gives way to clarity.

Not despair.
Not bitterness.
Clarity.

Jonathan does not stop loving Saul. He does not stop honoring his father. But he finally accepts reality as it is.

Along my life journey I’ve spent enormous energy trying to force reality into the shape of my wishes. The wisdom in today’s chapter is that faith often begins where illusion ends.

Jonathan’s tears are not weakness. They are the tears of a man who has finally stopped arguing with the truth. And once he accepts the truth, he is free to do the next faithful thing.

And that is exactly what God continues to ask of me on this journey.

Stop fighting reality. Stop defending what God has exposed. Stop clinging to the version of the story I wish were true. Grieve what is lost, accept what is real, and then take the next faithful step.

That is what David and Jonathan do as they part in tears beneath the open sky.

And that is the very real place I left my loved one in our chat the other day. It’s that place of bitter reality Jonathan found himself. When we finally embrace that all our hopes and wishes for another person will not miraculously change them. Sometimes love means that our deep desires for their well-being will sit — perhaps forever — in the grief that the person will tragically make other choices.

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