Five, no SIX, Things I Learned from “Star Trek Beyond”

1. Given the similarities between Krall and the Green Goblin, what the Federation really needed to defeat Krall was your friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man. Could have saved a lot of lives and resources (I’m just sayin’).
Green Goblin Krall
2. An old Federation Starship can apparently be hot-wired from beneath the conn console, though the original crew must not have grown up in the right ‘hood and/or was never taught the trick.
3. If a Federation Starship is lost in deep space, they can at least fulfill the Prime Directive by becoming a decent pirate radio station.
4. Really bad rock n’ roll is, indeed, ruinous in ways we never imagined. When our parents told us it would “rot our brains” they were, apparently, just scratching the surface.
Destructive Rock n Roll
5. The U.S.S. Enterprise has more lives than your average, proverbial cat. At what point do Federation tax-payers revolt?! “How many times to we have to rebuild this thing?!!!” And, at what point does the Federation decide that sending the (seventh) multi-trillion dollar Enterprise into the Nebula, out of contact of civilization, for a sketchy, unsubstantiated rescue mission of a small, unidentified crew of alien beings is NOT a great use of resources?!
6. The Federation has no lack of naive, altruistic young people willing to lay down their lives needlessly. Seriously, the Enterprise takes more damage and incurs more loss of life (of non-Bridge personnel) than a 1970 Ford Pinto with a suitcase of wired C4 in the back hatch. Why would you accept an assignment on the Enterprise unless you’re assigned to the bridge? Captain Kirk and the bridge crew always beat Spock’s (unemotionally) stated, impossible odds but the eternal throng of “Red-shirted Engineer’s Mate #6” and his compatriots never do. But they STILL find beautiful young people willing to fill the crew.
Ford Pinto Flames
(Considering both #5 and #6, maybe the future really does belong to Hillary and the liberals. Sorry, Donald.)

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