I’m on vacation for three weeks. While I’m gone, please enjoy the top 15 posts from 2023 based on total number of page views and podcast plays. Cheers!
A Spiritual Stake in the Ground (CaD Job 13) – Wayfarer
“Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him”
Job 13:15 (NIV)
In my head and heart are a number of things I would like to write about in greater length than a blog post. Perhaps a book, an essay, or an article. I have several thoughts that have long begged for me to unpack them in a larger way. Among them is a man-to-man perspective on walking with your wife on the path of infertility.
I came to the infertility journey in the middle-innings of life. We are a blended family. Our daughters are from my first marriage. Wendy had never been married, and our desire was to have children together. We tried for years and did everything medical science knows how to do in order to bring a child into this world together.
I observed and learned many things during this stretch of our journey together. To this point in life, it is the toughest stretch of the journey I have experienced. Infertility is particularly strange because it is so intensely personal. No one talks about it, even close friends, because they don’t know what to say. Because it is so intensely personal, you aren’t sure what to say, nor are you even sure you want to do so.
Since we have spoken about it publicly, we will occasionally learn of a younger couple dealing with it. In a few cases, we will make ourselves available to talk to them. That pretty much never happens. When you’re in the depths of trying to conceive, you don’t want to talk to the couple who were never successful. You don’t want to entertain such a notion. If you talk to anyone, you’d pick one of the couples that were finally successful. But even then, you feel a little resentful of all the couples who finally conceived when you’ve got a years-long streak of failure piling up. It’s hard.
Like Job, infertility leads to the heart of the “why” question with God. Why is it that the homeless crack addict conceives when she turns a trick for drugs, but we don’t? Why does that thirteen year old girl conceive when she has sex for the first time, but we don’t? Why is it that seemingly everyone has a cheery “when we finally gave up and talked adoption we got pregnant that month” story, when every month brings us closer to the reality that for some reason God’s answer to us is a perpetual “No” ? Are you punishing us for our sins? What wrong have we committed that we should suffer this fate?
For men, who aren’t the best at navigating common emotions in the shallow end of the relationship pool, it’s particularly difficult to keep one’s head above water and not drown in the deep end of emotions where infertility naturally leads.
In today’s chapter, Job continues his discourse with this three friends, whom he angrily turns on. He bemoans their combined arguments of “suffering is the consequence of sin, so you must have done something sinful to deserve this.” And then, in the depths of his suffering and despair Job says something amazing in it’s faith and hope:
“Though [God] slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless person would dare come before him!
Listen carefully to what I say;
let my words ring in your ears.
Now that I have prepared my case,
I know I will be vindicated.
Can anyone bring charges against me?
If so, I will be silent and die.”
While Job writhes in the agony of his physical, emotional, and spiritual suffering; While he searches the depths of the eternal mystery for a simple “Why” from a seemingly silent God, he places a spiritual stake in the ground. He will hope. He will believe that he will be delivered. He will trust that he will be vindicated.
“Though He slay me, yet will I hope in him,” are words that Wendy is fond of quoting. She understands them at depth that would be lost on many.
In the quiet this morning, I am thankful to be on the other side of the infertility journey. I also grieve, even in this moment as I type these words, the loss that comes with Wendy and I never having a child together. I am also grateful for the good things that have flourished in our lives on the other side of the journey. Wendy and I have, together, placed our stakes in the ground:
Though He slay me, yet will I hope in him.”
Chapter to read for tomorrow’s Best of 2023: Joel 1
If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.
