The simple believe anything,
but the prudent give thought to their steps.
Proverbs 14:15 (NIV)
My friend, Matthew, likes to say that “everyone is having a conversation with life.” He describes it as an “inner conversation with your center as external circumstances beg for a response.”
Along my journey, I’ve come to believe that the quality and depth of that inner conversation is critical to my progress in Life, health, growth, and relationships. I’ve also observed along the way those who appear to choose not to engage in that conversation. Maybe they don’t know how to have that conversation. Maybe they really don’t want to have that conversation. The result, from my perspective, are lives that seem to run on uninterrupted cycles of appetite, impulse, reaction, and habit. Tragedy and/or life becoming unmanageable become the only way a conversation with Life might possibly get jump-started.
This morning I find my heart and mind still mulling over yesterday’s post and thoughts of introspection. I’ve always been a bit introspective, but I know many who aren’t and who don’t even know where to begin. Many years ago, when I worked with young people, I always tried to teach them both to be introspective and how to have conversations about those inner conversations. The lessons I learned I now apply in my relationships with clients, team members, friends, neighbors, and even strangers.
Typically, I would start with a simple ice-breaker type of question:
- Good/Bad: Name one good thing and one bad thing from your week?
- Where have you been? Where are you now? Where are you going?
- What’s your biggest pet peeve?
- If you had five other lives to live, what would you do/be?
Then, I would listen to the young person’s answer and begin what I call “moving upstream.” Moving upstream is really the process of introspection, but I find that one typically learns how to do it first by being led by a parent, friend, counselor, teacher, therapist, pastor, or mentor.
You know how the mouth of a river pouring into the ocean is usually really wide (and usually not very picturesque)? That is what a general answer to a general question is. That’s where introspection begins. Conversations with Life, for those who’ve never really had one, begin with a simple ice-breaker with yourself. But the really good stuff, the scenic views, the waterfalls, the natural springs, the crystal-clear mountain stream can only be reached by paddling upriver, then up a tributary, through a few locks and dams, then up another tributary, and another, and another. There will be a portage around a rapid or three, maybe some smaller dams, and then up yet another small stream. You keep moving upstream towards the Source.
Here’s how it sounded with one of the kids in my youth group as I tried to guide them upstream:
Me: “Name one bad thing from your week.”
Them: “Um, (young people always begin with “Um”) My bad thing this week was getting grounded by my parents.“
Grounded? Okay, there’s a story there. Let’s move a little further upstream and find out what it is.
Me: “Ouch! How long are you grounded?”
Them: “Two weeks.”
I keep paddling. With each answer, I move a little farther upstream by taking what’s given to me and exploring further.
Me: “Two weeks!? That sucks! What on earth earned you two weeks?”
Them: (Head is down. Eyes stare at the floor. Shoulders shrug.)
We’ve reached our first dam. Sometimes the lock to a conversational dam is humor.
Me: “What did you do? MURDER SOMEBODY?“
Them: (laughs) “No.”
Me: “ROB A BANK?!“
Me: “Well, being late for curfew isn’t a two week offense. So it’s got to be somewhere between getting in late and murder.”
Silence. Silence is okay, even when it’s painful. Silence is a necessary part of introspection. As my friend Matthew says, “Let silence to the heavy lifting.”
More silence. Finally…
Them: (Mumbling after a sigh) “I got caught smoking weed.”
Hey! There’s a new tributary! Let’s move up that stream and see where it leads.
Hopefully, you get where I’m going. Keep asking questions. Look at the answer to those questions and let them lead you to the next question. The strings of questions and answers are the conversation with Life. The better I’ve become at having those inner conversations about my external circumstances, the further I get towards the Source and the more rewarding the journey has become.
In the quiet this morning, I’m whispering a prayer of thanks for the many friends, family members, teachers, professors, mentors, pastors, and therapists who helped guide me upstream at different stages of my journey. They taught me how to be introspective. Over the course of 50 plus years, my conversations with them taught me how to have a conversation with myself, with Life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.
Hope your own conversations with Life are leading you to good places, even when the portages, paddling, and dams are a pain.
Have a great day, my friend. Thank you for reading along with me on this journey.