Tag Archives: Direct

Miscommunication’s Collateral Damage

October 4, 2022 Tom Vander Well Leave a comment

In the course of time, the king of the Ammonites died, and his son Hanun succeeded him as king. David thought, “I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.” So David sent a delegation to express his sympathy to Hanun concerning his father.

When David’s men came to the land of the Ammonites, the Ammonite commanders said to Hanun their lord, “Do you think David is honoring your father by sending envoys to you to express sympathy? Hasn’t David sent them to you only to explore the city and spy it out and overthrow it?” So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.
2 Samuel 10:1-4 (NIV)

This past week I was witness to an unexpected public confrontation. An intoxicated friend publicly confronted another friend regarding a particular past incident. The former was blind-sided and blamed the latter for something after it had been poorly communicated via a third party and created a projected misunderstanding of intent and consequence. It was messy and awkward and completely unnecessary.

For almost thirty years of my career, I’ve been assessing customer expectations, experiences, and satisfaction. Having analyzed literally tens of thousands of interactions between customers and companies, I can tell you that almost every escalated customer situation begins with miscommunication or a misunderstanding of intentions. I’ve observed that the same is true for most human conflicts.

I’m spending this week on-site with a client, mentoring a group of relatively inexperienced managers. As I shadow them and observe them interacting with and coaching their team members, I am reminded of how critical intention, tone, and clarity are to the power and reception of communication.

So it was for the Ammonites in today’s chapter. David sent his envoys with the purest of intentions, but his intentions were misunderstood and the resulting escalation and conflict claimed the lives of over 40,000 soldiers.

In the quiet this morning, I’m reminded of the sage of Proverbs who wrote “when words are many, sin is not absent.” No wonder Jesus told His disciples to speak clearly and directly with a simple “yes” or “no.” Miscommunication of both words and intent can carry a high price in collateral damage relationally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically. When it comes to those types of price tags, I prefer to be a cheapskate.

A Note to Readers
I’m taking a blogging sabbatical and will be re-publishing my chapter-a-day thoughts on David’s continued story in 2 Samuel while I’m take a little time off in order to focus on a few other priorities. Thanks for reading.
Today’s post was originally published in May 2014.

If you know anyone who might be encouraged by today’s post, please share.

Featured image on today’s post created with Wonder A.I.

Chapter-a-Day

Mentor, Protégé, and Attitude

February 12, 2019 Tom Vander Well Leave a comment

the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down.
2 Corinthians 13:10b (NIV)

Both professionally, and personally, I have done quite a bit of coaching and mentoring of others along my life journey. It is a fascinating process and I have learned a lot about myself and others along the way.

In my professional coaching I am typically hired and tasked with mentoring or coaching a person as part of a corporate initiative. Most often, the person has no choice in the matter and so I must begin the coaching relationship gauging the attitude of my protégé. There’s a pretty wide spectrum of attitudes that I encounter from enthusiasm to outright defiance. The most common attitude I find is a mixture of both curiosity and anxiety. I am aware in our first meeting that my protégé is as actively gauging me and my attitude, as well.

One of the things that I typically try to establish from the beginning of a coaching or mentoring relationship is that my goal is to build-up, encourage, equip, and help the individual both develop and become more successful. The path may incorporate me challenging the individual, and I may need to be uncomfortably direct in certain circumstances. Nevertheless, I always want a protégé to know my positive desire and support for his or her well-being and success. I am always for him or her.

Along the way I’ve discovered that there is only so much that I can do to convince a person of my desire and support. There has to be a willingness to have faith in me and accept me at my word. The mentoring relationship doesn’t always work out. Sometimes my protégé can’t get past their own fear, anxiety, or shame. Sometimes I’ve come to recognize and accept that my protégé doesn’t respond well to me, I don’t respond well to him or her, and that there’s an underlying difference in personality or temperament which we may or may not be able to overcome. Other times, the person in my charge simply isn’t ready to change and/or do the work required to develop.

As Paul finishes his letter to the followers of Jesus in Corinth, he recognizes that his tone has been at times harsh and confrontational. Individuals have been speaking out against Paul, questioning his authority, and stirring up dissension among the believers. Paul loves these people. He has been their spiritual mentor for years. The Corinthian believers are his spiritual protégés. As he wraps up his direct and confrontational letter, Paul the mentor reminds his charges of the motivation behind his sometimes direct, challenging words: “for building you up, not tearing you down.”

In the quiet this morning I’m thinking about a conversation Wendy and I had before bed last night. Wendy is an Enneagram Type 8 (“The Challenger”). The truth is that Wendy is an amazing coach of others in her own right. She’s better than me. I’ve observed Wendy, time-and-time-again, helping others reach incredible new levels of development. As the Enneagram Institute puts it, healthy Eights “use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.” But, just like Paul with the Corinthian believers, the protégé has to be able to see the positive, “I’m for you!” desire behind the mentor’s challenge or it gets lost in anxious, fear-driven translation and gets misinterpreted as destructive criticism.

Today, I’m inspired to continue developing my skills and abilities as a coach. I’m reminded that I want to be a good protégé when I am challenged by others who are for me.

Chapter-a-Day

The Dance of Sliding Doors

April 12, 2016 Tom Vander Well 2 Comments

But the people of Judah could not drive out the Jebusites, the inhabitants of Jerusalem; so the Jebusites live with the people of Judah in Jerusalem to this day.
Joshua 15:63 (NRSV)

There was a film many years ago called Sliding Doors which has stuck with me since I first saw it. The movie, starring Gwyneth Paltrow, tells the story of a young woman. Actually, the movie tells two stories. In the beginning of the story we see her heading to catch a train. The movie then splits. In one part of the movie we see what her life would be like if the “sliding doors” of the train stop her from catching her train. In the other part of the movie we see what her life would be like if she squeezed through the “sliding doors” and made it on the train. The film leaves you thinking about all of the small moments in life that may have had profound impact on the way our lives turned out.

As I look back over my life journey I can pinpoint certain waypoints where a decision made a significant impact on my trajectory. This is life. What may seem like a relatively small decision in the moment may change our lives forever. Even typing that sentence prompts my heart to whisper: “Lord, please direct my steps.”

Today’s chapter ends with what seems like a relatively trivial fact. Caleb and his tribe did not drive the Jebusites from Jerusalem. Okay. Great. Whoop-te-do. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?

For Caleb and his generation it mattered very little. Jerusalem was, at that time, a rather insignificant village on the borderlands of the tribe of Judah’s inheritance. No one had any inkling that the small village of Jerusalem would someday be the political and religious hotspot on Earth. The fact that the Jebusites remained there and Caleb didn’t drive them out wasn’t a major deal for them. But, it would be a bigger deal in a few generations when David was ascending the throne.

It was David who chose the Jebusite city of Jerusalem to be the capitol city of the nation of Israel. David was desperately trying to unite a fractured family of tribes into one nation. Jerusalem was a strategic choice for a host of reasons. The fact that it was a Jebusite city made Jerusalem a more neutral choice in the eyes of the other tribes. Being a border town, Jerusalem was less likely to raise the ire of the other tribes than if David chose a town in the heart of Judah’s land. David would have to take the town that Caleb left alone in order to make it his capitol. In the end, Caleb’s choice not to take Jerusalem allowed Jerusalem to remain an inter-national city where people of different peoples lived in contention with one another. It remains so to this day.

Today I’m thinking about choices. I’m thinking about decisions that effect the course of our lives. I’ve come to believe along the journey that there is a dance that happens between me and God in the choices I make. I seek where He is leading me, but He doesn’t force my hand. I sometimes am required to make my own move. As with a good dance partner, He anticipates my step and counters to be right where I need Him to be. Sometimes I stumble awkwardly, but He counters again and somehow redeems my misstep into what seems a choreographed moment.

It’s easy to be paralyzed in fear of choices we must make. I observe many wallflowers who stand endlessly on the periphery of life, afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of looking foolish, or falsely believing that their every step must be perfect. I’ve learned that I have to get in there and dance. Maybe the doors shut before I get on the train. Maybe I sneak on and catch my connection. Either way, I can trust God to direct my step. He’s a flawless dance partner.

featured image: sudama via Flickr